Published on 12, July, 2020
Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me.
Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.
These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.
As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.
Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.
Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.
I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.
I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.
If I new then what I know now regarding my autism I would have known my limitations enabling me to make objective decisions that I could recognise as being doomed to failure like getting married. I too would have had a different but shorter life. My older brother died a confirmed batchelor at the young age of 51. I too would likely have died at a similar age joining the early death statistics of batchelorhood. I'm not good for any woman with my inability to display affection or to read emotions. How my second and current wife has put up with me for so long is a wonder. I have this deeply ingrained fear of rejection I have had all my life. There were many occasions where I fought against this fear by intentionally placing myself in uncomfortable situations. They never had a positive outcome. Had I been diagnosed at an early stage I could have saved women from me. I am tired of fighting rejection. For the record, I respect women, and would never consider using violence or intimidation.
I am married to an autistic man and we have an autistic son. We call ourselves 'The Family Aut'. We're so happy because none of us have the same needs as a 'norm'. So, I say, it is finding the right person, with similar attributes and expectations. There is hope and the better you know yourself, the more likely you are to meet a suitable partner. Don't give up. You are worthy and you could be the answer to somebodies prayers.
I could almost have written this…
I had a converse with my wife just a few days ago and pretty much stated the same feelings. I’m almost 50 and don’t particularly feel like I make a good dad or a good husband. The lady does put up with a lot, sometimes not without frustration but she knows my behaviour isn’t intentional and I love her and the kids deeply ( despite the blank expression). Im undiagnosed and waiting in the que but most people see the weirdness in me. Had I been able to understand what makes me tick way back when I was young, things would have no doubt been different. I too would have probably not gotten married or had children BUT to be honest, I’m glad I do have them and a great wife. Through all the ill timed episodes and poor choices, they are there and I know they love me. I have learned so much from just reading these blogs and researching traits. It has really helped me to manage my ASD.. well, the pills help of course. There are a great many days that I wish I was ‘normal’. I’d have friends, be able to socialise, show emotion, laugh and wouldn’t constantly be in fear of every non-neurologically challenged man taking it all away from me. Been there before, that really hurts !!
I’ve learned also to be me. Enjoy what I enjoy and go about my day being the best version of myself that my brain will allow that day. Rejection is almost a daily thing but stressing doesn’t help. I don’t argue with the world, I just take it for what it is… and that really annoys my hot headed wife that will rise to anything she doesn’t agree with.
Have fun with it, do the things and have the habits you’re compelled to have, understand and accept it. Be a kind, gentle person with a few oddities that if people don’t really get, then that’s their issue. At almost 50, despite a messy past that’s fast catching up with me… I’m living my best life right now and as my grandad lived to be 99yrs young, I plan to be a burden to everyone for some years to come.