Wishing you weren't autistic

Sporadic Sparkly said:

I do often wish is that more had been known about autism when I was a child, and how it can present differently in females.

....and that even some manly men can be more akin to a typical female presentation too!

True, people will always be more powerful, and generally we're not well-liked, or particularly brave, but I'm not really talking about being brave enough to take the world on -  just brave enough to back yourself inside in spite of whatever the world outside thinks, not angrily, but brave enough to let yourself make mistakes in the world, and still back yourself when things go wrong and you need to learn but you not sure what to learn or how to do it. 

We are taught to try to be something in the world, but really there's nothing we have to be or do.  The whole thing about masking is paying too much attention to what the world thinks and wants, and too little attention to who we are inside, and trying to figure that out. 

If we chose to enter into the world then it's in the full knowledge, that it's really difficult, and, as such, we will inevitably make mistakes, but we can be good parents to ourselves as we would be to anyone we love, and encourage that person struggling because mistakes are the only way we can learn, if there were no mistakes, our life would never change. I think intense pain is part of what wakes us up, and then self-love, or encouragement, is what gives us the permission to make mistakes, and the time and space to learn from them.

I hope you're able to get there.

Difficult while it's always with you

I'm not sure if this will help. But I have the same feelings. Sometimes I wish I wasn't autistic and I was "normal" and I'm trying to work on trying to not have those thoughts myself.

Despite the fact that I had always felt different, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my forties. Whilst there is no doubt about the fact that it has caused me issues throughout my life, I'm not so sure that I would want to be neurotypical.

What I do often wish is that more had been known about autism when I was a child, and how it can present differently in females.

I've been told my autism is the root of all the things that have made my life awful, so yeah, wish I wasn't and that seems a logical conclusion. 

I don't know what else to say 

That is precisely why I avoid the associated stress levels through 121 engagement. You're wrong if you openly admit to ASD and equally wrong if you stay shtum about it as I do. People in both instances do not understand. In my case I am labeled as antisocial and a person to be avoided. I guess it's finally a personal choice with continuing with the social struggle and its associated stressful complications or by taking avoidance tactics. 

I think I feel too embarrassed to believe in myself, I don't feel strong enough to 'sail against the wind' so to speak. 

The reality is the vast majority of people don't like me at all, and they're always going to be more powerful.

battybats said:

But I'd rather be able to say "sorry, I'm not trying to be a pain, my brain just works differently" than keep hating myself.

I wish I could without feeling like I am being difficult and a pain. Like someone's going to go "stop using your autism as an excuse" or "stop making everything about your autism".

When I added 'autistic' to my social media bios I got stuff like that from people I knew.

Yes  that's understandable, to lose hope sometimes, but things are rarely as bad as they seem - believe in yourself and whatever makes you beautiful in this world. Have courage, we only die once, and that happens to everyone, the rest is difficult, that's certain, but there can be some rewarding moments ahead, life is rarely awful for long - we might lose a certain naivety about who we are, and what the world is like, and our place in it - but there is still things to enjoy, beauty and joy to be experienced, and hopefully, love, again some time. 

I actually quite like being autistic- at least, I like KNOWING I'm autistic. It's a comfort to know that when people have called me oversensitive, or selfish, or a b-tch... they were wrong. I'm not the terrible person I'd come to believe I was. I'm just autistic.

I wouldn't say I love everything about it. It's frustrating for me and for others. But I'd rather be able to say "sorry, I'm not trying to be a pain, my brain just works differently" than keep hating myself.

I don't have much hope, in all honesty, and I flip between that and feeling determined to fight for it.

It feels like I've permanently damaged my life which is hard to accept.

Yep. I always would downplay any achievements.

I wish I could make amends but it's hard accepting that it's likely just not possible. 

I think everyone is their own worst critic, we don't see ourselves the way other people do, the achievements go under the radar almost blind to us.

I've spent a lot of time wishing I could start again, which is crazy as I know it's impossible but I still long for it.

No... I don't wish that. I'm sorry that I didn't realise sooner though, it would have saved me a lot of fear, doubt and pain, as I struggled to cope in a world in which I absolutely didn't fit, assuming that there was something very wrong with me, for which I was somehow responsible- as I had been told since childhood. I tried, without great success, to 'fit in' as I had been constantly told I must - although none of it really made sense to me, if I'm honest. I was forever playing a role, masking as I now know - and it just became an exhausting part of life. I had a lot to hide - acute social anxiety, fear of entering unfamiliar spaces - it could take me days to do it sometimes, if I managed it at all - and a 'antisocial' desire for solitude and the space and time to do what interested me (which never included others). Intelligence - nobody wanted that, so I hid that too, to avoid further persecution. 

Understanding that I'm autistic has made sense of pretty much everything 'different' about me, so actually, I'm happy about it. 

Now, I can finally be myself. 

Yes, I always feel like I'm being a complete idiot and pressing people's buttons and generally doing my best to be banished from the category of human being into something lesser - so losing that sense of belonging.

As you say much better than I could:

"I feel like I'm no longer welcome in the world" -

that is such a well-balanced way of phrasing the situation, as is the phrase:

"I'm still grappling with it"

So, though your world is split in half you are still not losing hope or going to the dark side, whatever that is, but still grappling to find a way through. To me that is wonderful.

I feel you on the last bit. I'm always my own worst critic and I feel like I don't deserve support. I felt I surrendered my right to it with all the screw ups I've made.

I just wish I could start again. 

I went through a somewhat traumatic event earlier in the year which has really split my life in half. It has definitely changed the person I am.

I'm still grappling with it. I feel like I'm no longer welcome in the world as an autistic person because of all those errors I've made.

I appreciate your kind words though.

There seems to be a lot of wisdom, and balance, in the way you talk about your experiences, that you are trying out different things and acknowledging when sometimes you could have done better, and feeling appropriate feelings around that. You may not see it yourself, but to me, you seem like a ray of hope, for the world, for yourself and for autism in general.