Wishing you weren't autistic

Black Beauty & Mr Ed = I was all over that !

Boy bands didn't exist in my day because I'm old......although, I suppose, if you count the A-team = I am there!

I didn't know you liked boy bands and horses!

Sporadic Sparkly said:

I do often wish is that more had been known about autism when I was a child, and how it can present differently in females.

....and that even some manly men can be more akin to a typical female presentation too!

True, people will always be more powerful, and generally we're not well-liked, or particularly brave, but I'm not really talking about being brave enough to take the world on -  just brave enough to back yourself inside in spite of whatever the world outside thinks, not angrily, but brave enough to let yourself make mistakes in the world, and still back yourself when things go wrong and you need to learn but you not sure what to learn or how to do it. 

We are taught to try to be something in the world, but really there's nothing we have to be or do.  The whole thing about masking is paying too much attention to what the world thinks and wants, and too little attention to who we are inside, and trying to figure that out. 

If we chose to enter into the world then it's in the full knowledge, that it's really difficult, and, as such, we will inevitably make mistakes, but we can be good parents to ourselves as we would be to anyone we love, and encourage that person struggling because mistakes are the only way we can learn, if there were no mistakes, our life would never change. I think intense pain is part of what wakes us up, and then self-love, or encouragement, is what gives us the permission to make mistakes, and the time and space to learn from them.

I hope you're able to get there.

Difficult while it's always with you

I'm not sure if this will help. But I have the same feelings. Sometimes I wish I wasn't autistic and I was "normal" and I'm trying to work on trying to not have those thoughts myself.

Thank you x

I hope so too, and I hope you've been well recently. 

Despite the fact that I had always felt different, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my forties. Whilst there is no doubt about the fact that it has caused me issues throughout my life, I'm not so sure that I would want to be neurotypical.

What I do often wish is that more had been known about autism when I was a child, and how it can present differently in females.

Thank you I feel really lucky to have found this place

My confidence comes and goes I think it's one of those things which can be difficult to keep like its whisked away sometimes.

I hope you'll find the confidence again x

I'm glad that you've found a positive in it. I think I've just lost any confidence I had in it.

Despite the many problems it causes me in my every day life I do actually really enjoy having autism.

It's easy to see the negatives it brings but it does also bring a lot of positives into life and allows me to see life in a different way that a lot of people will never get

It's also allowed me to be a part of this community and for that I'll always be grateful.

I've been told my autism is the root of all the things that have made my life awful, so yeah, wish I wasn't and that seems a logical conclusion. 

I don't know what else to say 

That is precisely why I avoid the associated stress levels through 121 engagement. You're wrong if you openly admit to ASD and equally wrong if you stay shtum about it as I do. People in both instances do not understand. In my case I am labeled as antisocial and a person to be avoided. I guess it's finally a personal choice with continuing with the social struggle and its associated stressful complications or by taking avoidance tactics. 

I think I feel too embarrassed to believe in myself, I don't feel strong enough to 'sail against the wind' so to speak. 

The reality is the vast majority of people don't like me at all, and they're always going to be more powerful.

battybats said:

But I'd rather be able to say "sorry, I'm not trying to be a pain, my brain just works differently" than keep hating myself.

I wish I could without feeling like I am being difficult and a pain. Like someone's going to go "stop using your autism as an excuse" or "stop making everything about your autism".

When I added 'autistic' to my social media bios I got stuff like that from people I knew.

Yes  that's understandable, to lose hope sometimes, but things are rarely as bad as they seem - believe in yourself and whatever makes you beautiful in this world. Have courage, we only die once, and that happens to everyone, the rest is difficult, that's certain, but there can be some rewarding moments ahead, life is rarely awful for long - we might lose a certain naivety about who we are, and what the world is like, and our place in it - but there is still things to enjoy, beauty and joy to be experienced, and hopefully, love, again some time. 

I actually quite like being autistic- at least, I like KNOWING I'm autistic. It's a comfort to know that when people have called me oversensitive, or selfish, or a b-tch... they were wrong. I'm not the terrible person I'd come to believe I was. I'm just autistic.

I wouldn't say I love everything about it. It's frustrating for me and for others. But I'd rather be able to say "sorry, I'm not trying to be a pain, my brain just works differently" than keep hating myself.

I don't have much hope, in all honesty, and I flip between that and feeling determined to fight for it.

It feels like I've permanently damaged my life which is hard to accept.