Wishing you weren't autistic

I really needed to hear this. Thank you.

I need to write down the library books I'd borrowed and finished.

Hi I actually really like being autistic. I like how I can hyper focus on cool things like music and films and never get bored of it.

I like how I'm still pretty childish and play with my dolls. Despite getting older and nearly finishing school I'm still really like a child.

I like how I'm so organised I keep everything neat and tidy, all my books on my shelf are in perfect order and never look untidy. I like writing lists. None of this would be me if I wasn't autistic.

I've often heard it said "it is never too late", but for me at age 78 ---it is too late. It's a case of "better the devil you know" after 42 years of marriage.

I am married to an autistic man and we have an autistic son. We call ourselves 'The Family Aut'. We're so happy because none of us have the same needs as a 'norm'. So, I say, it is finding the right person, with similar attributes and expectations. There is hope and the better you know yourself, the more likely you are to meet a suitable partner. Don't give up. You are worthy and you could be the answer to somebodies prayers. 

I too have an intensely hot headed wife who I regularly disappoint because I don't share her view expressed by my silence, but she has a great sense of humour with a ready laugh. I am a dullard in comparison to her wit.

I could almost have written this… 

I had a converse with my wife just a few days ago and pretty much stated the same feelings. 
I’m almost 50 and don’t particularly feel like I make a good dad or a good husband. The lady does put up with a lot, sometimes not without frustration but she knows my behaviour isn’t intentional and I love her and the kids deeply ( despite the blank expression). 
Im undiagnosed and waiting in the que but most people see the weirdness in me. 
Had I been able to understand what makes me tick way back when I was young, things would have no doubt been different. 
I too would have probably not gotten married or had children BUT to be honest, I’m glad I do have them and a great wife. Through all the ill timed episodes and poor choices, they are there and I know they love me. 
I have learned so much from just reading these blogs and researching traits. It has really helped me to manage my ASD.. well, the pills help of course. 

There are a great many days that I wish I was ‘normal’. I’d have friends, be able to socialise, show emotion, laugh and wouldn’t constantly be in fear of every non-neurologically challenged man taking it all away from me. 
Been there before, that really hurts !! 

I’ve learned also to be me. Enjoy what I enjoy and go about my day being the best version of myself that my brain will allow that day. 
Rejection is almost a daily thing but stressing doesn’t help. 
I don’t argue with the world, I just take it for what it is… and that really annoys my hot headed wife that will rise to anything she doesn’t agree with. 

Have fun with it, do the things and have the habits you’re compelled to have, understand and accept it. Be a kind, gentle person with a few oddities that if people don’t really get, then that’s their issue. 

At almost 50, despite a messy past that’s fast catching up with me… I’m living my best life right now and as my grandad lived to be 99yrs young, I plan to be a burden to everyone for some years to come. 

I still wonder what might have been if I were neurotypical and often wish for a second chance, but I am managing it better and keeping myself in the present.  

Unfortunately we are not all of the Elon Musk type of autistics, so there isn't much else to be said.

I don’t wish that I wasn’t autistic, I wish that things could go my way or that someone would pay for me to win, I’m done with the rigged-grind and now I want a cheat code. If I could do it all again it would be the same, because I have very-rarely doubted the decisions I have made in the face of adversity, I did the goodest I could and I continue to do that..

Be done with this "toxic masculinity" business---your'e asking for trouble

Yes, when people say you should love your mother and your father I sometimes think that’s ok but they are the ones responsible for me being in this world. (I’m not religious)

Of course i wish i wasnt autistic. Life has been hard, trying to function like everyone else. It has been exhausting. Now i know my limits and i respect that, but i didnt know. I wouldnt want to live my life again x

I'd  just like to say thank you for this post, I've scren-shotted it, and plan to put it on my CV

Autism has produced problems and limitations for me. However, on balance I think that I am probably a better person for it. I am honest, kind, conscientious, non-judgmental, I generally do not have hidden agendas or consciously manipulate people. Would I be as pleasant if I were neurotypical? Somehow, I do not think so. On balance, I would not prefer to be neurotypical, but to be an autist with less anxiety would be a pleasant change.

Yeah, I understand what you’re saying - you are what you are, you see what you see, you do what you do - and there isn’t a huge amount of choice in those things, we don’t choose who we are - we just are the way we are - but, as someone else said on another post, there are all sorts of random sparks flying around, and occasionally our brain just catches one, lights a fire, and we’re off again, back on the horse, until then we just sit and wait, but I don’t think we’re waiting for Godot, there is actually some predictability in the randomness, stuff happens, things change.

From a purely pragmatic point of view, although it doesn’t change anything on the ground, I find getting ecstatic sort of pops me out of the misery for a while, and things seem brighter on return, stuff I do, or have done:

Autistic guitar, or other instrument playing, play three or four notes over and over again until I start to feel something then really lean into the same notes to sort of express something, just do it over and over and over again until I feel something, and then when I feel something really focus on that.

Exercise - build it up gradually and gradually until I start to feel something then lean into the emotion and build and build and build until I’m really pumping and sweating and feeling something.

Dancing - alone or at something like 5 Rhythms, which is a bit cultish, but their whole thing is about absolutely getting completely out of you nut and, the best thing is, you literally don’t have to talk to anyone at all, or dance with or near people, so its sort of the best of both world, you get to dance like a complete outsider with the absolute support of everyone else around you, but you have absolutely no obligation, implied or overt to be social.

Mediatation - there are ecstatic practices in Sufism and Osho stuff, or Buddhists get off their heads by focusing and mindfulness.  Some schools will repeat a mantra in their heads or out loud for like hours at a time which get you completely blitzed.  You do have to put up with the religious bullshit though.

Overtone singing - singing one note for minutes on end, listening for the overtones, doing this with other people, if you like where you can hear this subtle noises that seem to be at one time part of you and at another some kind of weird pattern of sound intelligence.

Normal singing groups - its a real buzz in relaxed groups, you don’t have to read music you just sing with people and don’t have to be in tune, usually its just one or two people who can sing who sort of keep things moving along and in tune, and everyone else just has a good time.  The sense of singing in harmony when it comes together is beyond words.

Walking - for me this works best at the moment, I use the rhythm of my walk to sort of move my feelings and thoughts about - I live in London so no one seems to bat an eyelid at me walking quickly or slowly, after an hour or so I seem to really chill out.  I do occasionally have to deal with what’s going on in the street or park interacting with me, but I like that random element these days as it seems to help with the process, but it has more feeling of risk than the other things that are done in safe spaces.

Apologies if this is too much information, or expression - an autistic trait, I’m told - and, of course, I realise you are who you are, and no one else can ever be you,  or feel the way that you do, or experience what you are experiencing inside and it is only you can be on that wave and seeing where it takes you.

I was going to lend you my Care-bear but if that is your attitude then I will wish you a Tubby bye bye!

Doh !  Good point.

I'm going to crawl back under my Fifi Flowertots blanket and play with My-Little-Pony whilst I reflect on my own stupidity for a while.  I offer you a manly "cheery bye-bye" as I go.

I think I would be Howling Mad Murdock! There we’re good boy bands, The  Beatles and of course The Bay City Rollers, Shang-A-Lang!

Yeah, I've never been good at backing myself either in all honesty. Like, I never even allow myself to be happy about anything because I feel it's pointless, as it won't last.

I don't know, maybe I'll work it out or maybe I'll realise that I've done all I can and there's not much of a future.