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Wishing you weren't autistic

HMO
over 1 year ago

Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me. 

Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.

These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.

As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.

Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.

Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.

I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.

I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.

Parents
  • over 1 year ago

    As they say: ‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’. 
    It’s never too late to try to  turn your life around. 
    The past is gone - let it go and move on. You can’t change it - but you can learn from it. Think about how you want to live NOW.

    we often spend so much of our lives weighed down by the baggage of the past - forgive yourself for your mistakes - we all make mistakes. 
    Focus on what you enjoy, focus on your strengths. It’s easy to forget all the positives when we’re feeling battered and bruised by life, but it is possible to change our perspective in time to a more positive view of ourselves. 
    You can ‘start again’ - starting from today :) 

Reply
  • over 1 year ago

    As they say: ‘today is the first day of the rest of your life’. 
    It’s never too late to try to  turn your life around. 
    The past is gone - let it go and move on. You can’t change it - but you can learn from it. Think about how you want to live NOW.

    we often spend so much of our lives weighed down by the baggage of the past - forgive yourself for your mistakes - we all make mistakes. 
    Focus on what you enjoy, focus on your strengths. It’s easy to forget all the positives when we’re feeling battered and bruised by life, but it is possible to change our perspective in time to a more positive view of ourselves. 
    You can ‘start again’ - starting from today :) 

Children