Published on 12, July, 2020
Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me.
Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.
These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.
As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.
Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.
Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.
I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.
I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.
I think it depends on how things are going, for me in my life. Sometimes I'm doing really well, and I love being autistic because I'm enjoying the good things it's bringing and allows me to do.
Other times I hate it and feel it's more of a curse. This year I went through an awkward relationship with a man and I hated myself for being autistic, as my difficulties with people partially ruining my chances with him.
Life is hard, it's extra hard with autism.
Sometimes I wish I was dead other times I love this life.
I feel you on the last bit. I'm always my own worst critic and I feel like I don't deserve support. I felt I surrendered my right to it with all the screw ups I've made.
I just wish I could start again.
Yep. I always would downplay any achievements.
I wish I could make amends but it's hard accepting that it's likely just not possible.
I think everyone is their own worst critic, we don't see ourselves the way other people do, the achievements go under the radar almost blind to us.
I've spent a lot of time wishing I could start again, which is crazy as I know it's impossible but I still long for it.