Wishing you weren't autistic

There seems to be a lot of wisdom, and balance, in the way you talk about your experiences, that you are trying out different things and acknowledging when sometimes you could have done better, and feeling appropriate feelings around that. You may not see it yourself, but to me, you seem like a ray of hope, for the world, for yourself and for autism in general. 

I went through a somewhat traumatic event earlier in the year which has really split my life in half. It has definitely changed the person I am.

I'm still grappling with it. I feel like I'm no longer welcome in the world as an autistic person because of all those errors I've made.

I appreciate your kind words though.

Yes, I always feel like I'm being a complete idiot and pressing people's buttons and generally doing my best to be banished from the category of human being into something lesser - so losing that sense of belonging.

As you say much better than I could:

"I feel like I'm no longer welcome in the world" -

that is such a well-balanced way of phrasing the situation, as is the phrase:

"I'm still grappling with it"

So, though your world is split in half you are still not losing hope or going to the dark side, whatever that is, but still grappling to find a way through. To me that is wonderful.

Yes, I always feel like I'm being a complete idiot and pressing people's buttons and generally doing my best to be banished from the category of human being into something lesser - so losing that sense of belonging.

As you say much better than I could:

"I feel like I'm no longer welcome in the world" -

that is such a well-balanced way of phrasing the situation, as is the phrase:

"I'm still grappling with it"

So, though your world is split in half you are still not losing hope or going to the dark side, whatever that is, but still grappling to find a way through. To me that is wonderful.

Yeah, I understand what you’re saying - you are what you are, you see what you see, you do what you do - and there isn’t a huge amount of choice in those things, we don’t choose who we are - we just are the way we are - but, as someone else said on another post, there are all sorts of random sparks flying around, and occasionally our brain just catches one, lights a fire, and we’re off again, back on the horse, until then we just sit and wait, but I don’t think we’re waiting for Godot, there is actually some predictability in the randomness, stuff happens, things change.

From a purely pragmatic point of view, although it doesn’t change anything on the ground, I find getting ecstatic sort of pops me out of the misery for a while, and things seem brighter on return, stuff I do, or have done:

Autistic guitar, or other instrument playing, play three or four notes over and over again until I start to feel something then really lean into the same notes to sort of express something, just do it over and over and over again until I feel something, and then when I feel something really focus on that.

Exercise - build it up gradually and gradually until I start to feel something then lean into the emotion and build and build and build until I’m really pumping and sweating and feeling something.

Dancing - alone or at something like 5 Rhythms, which is a bit cultish, but their whole thing is about absolutely getting completely out of you nut and, the best thing is, you literally don’t have to talk to anyone at all, or dance with or near people, so its sort of the best of both world, you get to dance like a complete outsider with the absolute support of everyone else around you, but you have absolutely no obligation, implied or overt to be social.

Mediatation - there are ecstatic practices in Sufism and Osho stuff, or Buddhists get off their heads by focusing and mindfulness.  Some schools will repeat a mantra in their heads or out loud for like hours at a time which get you completely blitzed.  You do have to put up with the religious bullshit though.

Overtone singing - singing one note for minutes on end, listening for the overtones, doing this with other people, if you like where you can hear this subtle noises that seem to be at one time part of you and at another some kind of weird pattern of sound intelligence.

Normal singing groups - its a real buzz in relaxed groups, you don’t have to read music you just sing with people and don’t have to be in tune, usually its just one or two people who can sing who sort of keep things moving along and in tune, and everyone else just has a good time.  The sense of singing in harmony when it comes together is beyond words.

Walking - for me this works best at the moment, I use the rhythm of my walk to sort of move my feelings and thoughts about - I live in London so no one seems to bat an eyelid at me walking quickly or slowly, after an hour or so I seem to really chill out.  I do occasionally have to deal with what’s going on in the street or park interacting with me, but I like that random element these days as it seems to help with the process, but it has more feeling of risk than the other things that are done in safe spaces.

Apologies if this is too much information, or expression - an autistic trait, I’m told - and, of course, I realise you are who you are, and no one else can ever be you,  or feel the way that you do, or experience what you are experiencing inside and it is only you can be on that wave and seeing where it takes you.

Yeah, I've never been good at backing myself either in all honesty. Like, I never even allow myself to be happy about anything because I feel it's pointless, as it won't last.

I don't know, maybe I'll work it out or maybe I'll realise that I've done all I can and there's not much of a future.

True, people will always be more powerful, and generally we're not well-liked, or particularly brave, but I'm not really talking about being brave enough to take the world on -  just brave enough to back yourself inside in spite of whatever the world outside thinks, not angrily, but brave enough to let yourself make mistakes in the world, and still back yourself when things go wrong and you need to learn but you not sure what to learn or how to do it. 

We are taught to try to be something in the world, but really there's nothing we have to be or do.  The whole thing about masking is paying too much attention to what the world thinks and wants, and too little attention to who we are inside, and trying to figure that out. 

If we chose to enter into the world then it's in the full knowledge, that it's really difficult, and, as such, we will inevitably make mistakes, but we can be good parents to ourselves as we would be to anyone we love, and encourage that person struggling because mistakes are the only way we can learn, if there were no mistakes, our life would never change. I think intense pain is part of what wakes us up, and then self-love, or encouragement, is what gives us the permission to make mistakes, and the time and space to learn from them.

I think I feel too embarrassed to believe in myself, I don't feel strong enough to 'sail against the wind' so to speak. 

The reality is the vast majority of people don't like me at all, and they're always going to be more powerful.

Yes  that's understandable, to lose hope sometimes, but things are rarely as bad as they seem - believe in yourself and whatever makes you beautiful in this world. Have courage, we only die once, and that happens to everyone, the rest is difficult, that's certain, but there can be some rewarding moments ahead, life is rarely awful for long - we might lose a certain naivety about who we are, and what the world is like, and our place in it - but there is still things to enjoy, beauty and joy to be experienced, and hopefully, love, again some time. 

I don't have much hope, in all honesty, and I flip between that and feeling determined to fight for it.

It feels like I've permanently damaged my life which is hard to accept.