Published on 12, July, 2020
Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me.
Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.
These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.
As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.
Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.
Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.
I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.
I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.
It’s a hard question, I know the last 50+ years were worse not knowing I’m autistic, the same struggles still exist but I now know much better how to cope in the outside world. I’m more conscious of things like masking in public, l almost have an inner giggle when I realise how I have portrayed myself in front of others and realised afterwards that I was on automatic pilot.
Not being autistic would make me a totally different person, the depression, anxiety or general struggles may not be different, there are so many who struggle with these things and aren’t autistic, or are there others who slipped through the net?
I'm lucky that I found a partner at a young age, I lived at home and then have only ever lived with my wife. That hasn’t been easy, my wife has put up with an autistic person who didn’t know he was. What I have realised is that I’m actually incapable of living alone, never had to do it but now know how my wife makes sure that things are paid for and everything is sorted, I would just be an ostrich with my head buried in the sand. On balance knowing at a young age in the 70’s or 80’s wouldn’t have helped, I’m not like the man in the Dustin Hoffman film, it’s almost like not mentioning the Scottish Play!
As a foot note, I grew up with no social media, that made life much easier.