Relationships

Snap! I'm autistic, my wife is self-diagnosed AuDHD. We get on well due to similar thought and communication patterns and compatible ways of showing affection.

There ARE nice People out there.
They WILL understand.
We just need to meet them.

Erm.. yes I suppose.. Ive had a degree of exposure to relationship and to a degree I’ve become competent. But I don’t believe I have exposed myself to one to the degree that I’ve been completely-satisfied, so whilst I am more-reluctant to achieve that same level again, due to the time and effort it would take, I am still wanting of greater-intimacy with the right person.

People ultimately are guarded and are reluctant to be intimate for reason of attraction or fear, because autists often have difficulty with unwritten rules, we are more likely to repel others. More so still we have a desire to have a genuine-interest with our partners so that adds another layer of difficulty when paired with poor theory-of-mind. 

I think relationships are difficult terrain for autists, but we should still remain open, we should still pursue them.. technically a high success-rate is less of an issue over time.

There is always Somebody out there for you who will understand you.
It does take take time,but as the saying goes " The best comes to those who wait "
Let that special Person prove themselves before you decide.
Best wishes.
Stay cool.

* i do think in certain aspects it’s harder 

I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and i’m autistic. I don’t think in certain aspects it’s harder and there has to be an understanding on their end that you (i know i do) may find certain things confusing or overwhelming and may need some time alone. I’m saying this i do believe it’s 100% possible. I use to think it was never going to happen for me, but if your open and meet the right person, it definitely can be successful in my opinion 

Hey Karma, 

I think you're super brave and bad-ass for putting yourself out there. The idea of doing the apps gives me the 'ick' probably because they are dependent on being pretty, cool or otherwise generally attractive and I am none of those things. So there would be no reason to stop (or swipe) on my profile.  

Personally, having been in two long term relationships, I find life a lot happier and simpler alone. Never having to dance to someone else's beat, never having to compromise on what to eat for dinner, never having to attend their boring family events never having to do someone else's laundry. 

I think it's great for those who it works for, but I hear a *lot* of complaints from my coupled-up/married friends that I feel lucky to not have to deal with.

I guess it isn't for everyone.

My experience has been mixed.

In some respects, I think I had more confidence when I was younger. Alternatively, because I was so desperate to be like my peers and be in a relationship, maybe I was more willing to do whatever it took to get myself a boyfriend. Such was my desperation that I ended up in a few incredibly short-lived relationships with boyfriends that I didn't really like, and had very little in common with.

I was fortunate enough to find myself in a really good relationship once with a neurotypical male, but the rest have been fairly disastrous.

To be honest, the thought of putting myself out there and going down the online dating route terrifies me now. I think the only way it would work would be if I already knew the person as a friend, and it felt like a natural progression.

Relationships can be hard work for anyone, but being autistic can make them more challenging. However, that's not to say that they are impossible. 

Dating is massivley about luck. I dated nobody until I was 30 and had my own place and the internet had been invented. It was very diffrent at the start and not the casual thing it is now. I had a 3 years, then a couple of 6 month relationships before I met my wife, we have been married 17 years. I had no idea at the time about ASD and only found out 3 years ago. I would say be honest, , if not right at the start, but on date two, don't get caught up too quickly, and realise some people are just not worth the effort but somewhere there is somebody who is.

T Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm sorry your last one was affected by your anxiety. I worry my own anxiety would be a killer for me in a relationship.. it rules me rather than I rule it. I hope your next relationship will be better for you with the anxiety.

I think I'm okay actually in relationships (at least autism-wise); it's more actually getting to that point that's difficult. And then my anxious breakdown torpedoed my last relationship and idk if I'll ever be okay with that again. 

battybats thank you for sharing your experience and I'm glad you've had a positive experience so far, long may that last.  

Katy Chocolate Lover I'm sorry you didn't have a good experience. I feel you're probably better off without someone like that in your life, he sounded not a nice person in my opinion. If you date again, I hope it goes better next time.

I met a guy online who I thought the world of. Unfortunately, my Autism being somewhat severe in places made it really hard-going as he was keen straight away and a bit obsessive – he also had Autism, so I think he found it difficult to give me space and understand how I was feeling. Anyway eventually I broke it off but he messaged me again, and then again... and then later on accused me of not being genuine because I broke it off, even though he messaged me again to get back in touch, and because I wouldn’t share my phone number, which IMO is only wise and safe.

I am disappointed it didn’t work out because I really liked him but there was some Red Flags, like his not giving me space and then suddenly accusing me of not being genuine. Even said I was messing him around like a puppet on a string which I found more than hurtful. But despite it all I loved him and had he been patient and more understanding to my own needs and feelings, we might still be together now. I am difficult to deal with, I know I am, but I feel hurt that he treated me that way and didn’t give me time to adjust to a relationship.

I don’t know if I’ll try another relationship again.

I think go for it if you want to, my experience wasn’t great but yours might be different. Just be careful and don’t be upset if it doesn’t work out.

Honestly, it's been far more successful for me since I started a relationship with another neurodivergent person, although neither of us knew that when we started dating. I'm diagnosed autistic, my partner is undiagnosed but most likely AuDHD. We think and communicate in similar ways so that makes life a lot easier, especially since we're both pretty direct and honest- we occasionally annoy each other short-term by pointing out stuff that bothers us but it's worth it for longer-term improvements, however small!

Ultimately relationships take work and good communication, so a big part of the problem for autistic people is that other folks don't always understand the way we discuss issues OR the way we demonstrate our love (and vice versa). I do feel that my partner and I got a head start on the communication due to us both understanding how the other thinks, but if everyone involved is committed to trying to understand each other, the type of mind you have doesn't necessarily matter so much.