Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm interested if other people are parents. I have two daughters, age 3 and 7. They are part of what prompted me to speak to my GP about autism as I found myself often being very blunt and cold towards them. My 7yr old told her dad that I love my dog more than her because I give it more attention. I do find stroking my dog soothing, whereas I really struggle with my children trying to grab me all the time. I also feel an aversion to their voices if they speak too loud or too much. It feels so horrible to say that as I do love my children. I can't stand being around young children generally because of the noises that they make, so it isnt just my own children. My 3yr old also told her childminder that I don't like her sitting on my knee, which is true but it sounds absolutely awful when she says it to other people so I just laughed it off.
I dont want my children to think I don't love them.
My son is now 24 (Yikes!). Luckily, my grandmother (who it seems I get my hyper-sensory / hyper-focus and dialectic skills from) gave me some incredible advice when he was young. So, I'll just relay what she told me, which seemed to help. First she said that Children need to feel safe, secure. And one of the ways to avert their stress (and when they're stressed, they'll take it out on the parent), was to give them 100% full attention when they ask for it, OR give them a timer or a sense of counting time to wait for the moment when you can give them your full attention, which does require strict follow through. however, eventually they won't need it all the time because they'll trust when they need you, they can depend on you being emotionally present. Psychologically, this is normal for humans in general it seems. The more we trust someone close, the less we sort of 'need' them. There's more to this, but hopefully it makes sense. It's an upfront investment. With both parents working or with single parenting this can be difficult, but it pays off in the long run. The second thing she taught me was that since they mimic every thing you do, you can teach them how to use their voice by how you speak to them (I used to say thank you while handing my son something - this is a popular routine) or affirming them as small humans and presenting another option for speaking. But this lesson came in the form of, never say 'no', just redirect and find a different way of expressing the boundary. Only use No when it is of grave consequence.
As for the knee, can you ask her to negotiate with you? It's incredibly useful for young girls to learn it's ok to not care for a thing and not EVER have to explain why :) It's also useful to brainstorm an alternate form of engagement that works for everyone. "I don't know why I don't like it. But perhaps we can think of something we both like?" And present options. Allow her to think of options. Hopefully someday this method of re-configuring a connexion will be useful when she's older!
Also I simply set aside a particular time of day (like bed time) to do something my son liked. Perhaps just brushing their hair for a few minutes each night is a small self-less endeavour that eases the need to attach themselves to you during the day.
I'm not sure if any of this helps! I had an incredible grandmother x
She sounds very wise.
I really struggle to give my children undivided attention. I haye being disturbed from whatever I'm doing and I struggle with their voices in a physical way. Why do children have such high pitched voices?!
It is good advice to try to focus more on what they are saying though. We always do bedtime reading (they can listen quietly, perfect). I do explain boundaries to my older daughter but my younger one is more like me in personality and is very emotional, especially if told no. I suppose it is a work in progress!
I hate being interrupted as well! So I feel that. I've found that how I treat my son, he treats me and maybe we're a lot alike. They do require much attention at a young age and I definitely struggled, so it's not easy.