How do I encourage my partner to get things done?

I am NT and generally a very 'go getting' type, I know my partner procrastinates and I accept it however, sometimes things do need to be done.  Call the doctors or go food shopping it doesn't matter what but I don't know how to help him to get motivated.

Please help I am asking for actual ways or words as I don't want to upset him or send him into a meltdown.  I find myself getting really frustrated and I am trying meditation to help control that.

  • Masking is unhealthy, it's the neurotypicals trying to force a brain type onto us that we don't have and will never have. 

    Even the best maskers will eventually run into problems with their mental health. 

    I mask at work but otherwise I'm me and everyone else can go take a run.

  • I really don't want him to mask at home or with me, i do want him to be himself because when he masks i know he isn't being truthful and i will pay the price eventually for 'forcing him to do something he doesn't want to' but at the same time i know he does want to do certain things but is scared to (again i get).

    If truth be told here I want to live life to the full and our idea of full whilst verbally is the same, practically I don't think he can.  I don't mean that in a bad way, I believe if thngs take effort they are worth the reward but he believes if its hard just give up.  Like saving hard and going without for a bit to have the holiday of a lifetime, like working at a ND relationship thats about learning and accepting one another takes time and can be really hard but you do what you can to accommodate your partner.  I know I have to accommodate (not change) to suit his needs, Am I unreasonable to want the same?  Its not natural for me to do some of his things, they bother me but I have to be the one to go without??

  • The point you make here is very valid!  I don't think he knows yet what he needs.  I know he is learning about himself a lot atm and until he is able to tell me what those are how can I understand?  He keeps telling me 'I should know' if I know him.... should I?  Am I not really in tune with him that much?

  • No that's an autistic thing, I'm terrible for thinking that if I know something then everyone else knows it too

  • I stop when walking and freeze like a statue, and submerge myself deep in thought for various length periods of time, 

    that  appears to be a autistic shutdown

  • Autistic masking is not deceit.

    When he masks it's because society has taught him that his inborn autistic personality is not acceptable and he needs to change his presentation to be allowed to participate. 

    Saving hard and going without for a bit, what does that mean for him? Does it impact his routine? Does he have to sacrifice purchases for his special interest? He's not being silly or immature or obstinate when he struggles to cope with having things taken away, they have a genuine impact on the autistic brain which has put these things in place to cope with demands placed on them by NTs. 

    The holiday of a lifetime, have you considered what this means to an autistic person? The changes, stresses related to travel, uncertainty about not knowing the place, new routine. Expectations as this is a SPECIAL HOLIDAY and not just a normal holiday. 

    You might need a bit of autistic friendly couples therapy to help you both communicate better.

  • Him thinking that I know what he knows is one of my biggest frustrations & his frustration with me...

  • That's called weak Theory of Mind, and I'm not sure there's much of a way around that. I can imagine it's frustrating. (Which is accidently an ironic comment cos that's exactly the problem of weak Theory of Mind, you can't imagine easily what the other knows and doesn't know.)