How do I encourage my partner to get things done?

I am NT and generally a very 'go getting' type, I know my partner procrastinates and I accept it however, sometimes things do need to be done.  Call the doctors or go food shopping it doesn't matter what but I don't know how to help him to get motivated.

Please help I am asking for actual ways or words as I don't want to upset him or send him into a meltdown.  I find myself getting really frustrated and I am trying meditation to help control that.

  • I have no problem doing some things, but others i procrastinate on forever, days, weeks, months, years even past their sell by date. I've not found any tricks. I used to worry about it and put loads of effort into fixing myself until someone challenged me and asked me if anything had ever gone wrong as a result. It hasn't, so now I acceot this is who i am. It gets to me, I'd love to stay on top of the dishes cos it looks nicer, makes the kitchen easier to use, and my cooking slides as it accumulates, but it seems easier to accept than change.

  • Give them time. It might be that they haven’t processed what you have said and need time to process. Make the tasks interesting so incorporate their special interests. It might be that they don’t like being on the phone, is there a way you can email the dr’s or tell them what to say so they can do it themselves?

  • mediation seems good - except the mediator should take into account asd, afaik.... if they don't - maybe disaster would ensue.

    i no for me, i'm pretty good at doing certain things (cooking, washing dishes, shopping, balancing a checkbook (maybe)) but terrible at most everything else. so 'that special someone' would probably have to work with, for example ------ washing cars? once every year or two. ironing? no thanks. installing the garbage disposal? probably not. vacuuming the house? probably not too.

    i'm saying from my point of view, you may have to really work with your partner's strengths, and work carefully around the weaknesses.... 

     i'm sure your partner is more accomodating than me.

  • He may be already overloaded with what's going on in his life so he's at 100% CPU overload.     Any additional requests are logged but never get CPU time as he's processing too many other things.     If he has too many requests nagging on his mind, he may be drowning under the pile and feel inadequately strong enough to bite into the tasks.

    Another one can be he's hearing what you say but he's measuring and prioritising your request and it rates as 'I'll do it later' after he's processed all the other stuff in his life.

    Another one is *when* you ask him - if he's just walked in the door and needs brain de-fragging time, any requests will represent extra stress and so even a little thing could trigger a meltdown.

    We are very bad at explaining what's going on in our brain - you need to get him into a low stress situation so you have access to his 'clean' brain so you can both list out all his worries and stress-generators and find a way to solve them together.    Nagging him will just force him to shutdown.    Throwing a load of emotional blackmail into it will just make him shutdown further.  

    If your frustrations are so bad that you need medication to not have a go at him possibly suggests that the way you talk to him will make him feel there's no point starting anything because it won't be done to *your* standard.

    You seem to expect him to make all the effort to be 100% 'normal' but what do you do to try walking in his shoes?      Putting up with his behaviour is not helping him at all - you need to understand why we function the way we do.

  • I had thart with my ex, she was picking up wrong moments and adding emotional blackmail, so my typical response was shut off.

    i'm pretty good at doing certain things (cooking, washing dishes, shopping, balancing a checkbook (maybe)) but terrible at most everything else.

    very much the same,

    if anything had ever gone wrong as a result.

    and that gives me and excuse to procrastinate with some things forever :P

  • I do meditation  what sort do u do/trying ? it takes a while for things to improve ( for me 1 year )  but i am autistic which i believe is a big factor

  • sort waiting for solution to spark in my head Stuck out tongue

    meditation won't work for me, if I lower my blood pressure even more I fall asleep,

    family trait - very low blood pressure

  • though I do something kind off similar, except it's involuntary Stuck out tongue

    I stop when walking and freeze like a statue, and submerge myself deep in thought for various length periods of time, 

    I started to look on a clock whenever I get up from my desk to observe time gap, and its between 15min and 1,5h

    unless it's a symptom of some ilness, that I don't know about, I will not fight it, because I find it useful, and it happens only when i face a dilemma and need to think it over properly, sometimes i come up with some solution during  the freeze.

    does it mean i'm totaly messed up ? yes or no it doesn't matter, because I kind of like that messed up me more then me in mask

  • This could easily be an issue in a partnership with 2 neurotypicals. Not everyone is so "motivated".

    You should maybe look at your list and see where stressors can be removed for both of you. Go food shopping - can it be delivered or click and collect? Go to the doctor - what's the appointment for? If it's a runny nose just leave it, new lump or head falling off then feel free to nag.

    We have done a lot to reduce trigger points in our household; dishwasher, robot hoover, magnetic to-do list, shop at exactly the same time each week, meal planning, 2 rooms with a big TV and enhanced TV package, household routine and division of chores where we both follow the schedule. It really helps but NT husband took a lot of training to realise how much I needed the routine to continue even during holidays.