Struggling to cope with a ASD partner

1. I totally empathise with everything. My husband is the same and I now feel suffocated trapped in unending routines he has no friends nor wants any. He has unrealistic unfulfilled dreams but complains and has no motivation to read the electric meter. Hes not able to cope in work and to  get reasonable adjustments for autistic people seems impossible . I constantly walk on eggshells . I also have spent 32 years covering up for his inability to manage and rationalise his behaviour. Hes unable to say sorry or empathise or listen to my emotions .

Hi, my long-term boyfriend also has ASD and I have been struggling with having him in the house all the time too. Similarly, I have been wanting to decorate our place for Christmas but am waiting for the right moment - if he's in the mood he's in right now it wouldn't surprise me if he got angry with me for doing it or even rip it down if he has  a meltdown.

I completely understand you about the walking on eggshells thing - I feel like I have to when he's in a certain mood. He is studying and has a piece of work due in soon, so this is when he is at his worst. Sometimes he will be fine, like last night, but today he is in a foul mood and I'm sure I will suffer for it. One of the things I find difficult is where to draw the line - what is autistic behaviour that I should ignore and put up with and what is verbal abuse that I have every right to be angry about. That is the hardest part for me. But I know how you feel - my partner is in one of those horrible angry moods and I really struggle with it. I dread them. You're not alone in the way you feel. I often feel alone in what I have to deal with but it is sometimes good to hear other NS partners are going through the same things!

I am reading a book right now if it is of any interest for you - it's called 'Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome' by Eva Mendes. I haven't finished it yet but it has been really helpful for trying to understand him. I know its not going to change his behaviour drastically, but just me beginning to understand has been really good for me. I found myself nodding to the scenario parts of the book - I felt like she was describing my partner exactly! I don't know about you but I struggle when he gets angry - it has moved me to tears many times in the past - but reading about the anger issues related to autism made me realize that's how he processes overwhelming feelings and that he doesn't mean his words. It doesn't mean I will never be upset again, but I do feel better. When he got angry last week, I didn't cry and just distracted myself.  I knew he was having a meltdown and it wasn't my fault. The best I could do is be calm.

If you want to speak any further, about the book or your hubby, feel free to message me, I know I am struggling too!

Best wishes and Take care.

shudowns last usually a specific period and the person comes out of them. You're husband is having a depression bout to me.  Or he has a massive fear of something he cant face. Ask hime "Want are u afraid off" if he cant speak tell him to write you a letter/note. 

the aim s to locate the problem and to start getting him to express himself 

Yes he takes prescription for depression.

Damn I’m sorry to hear about your husband he might have depression it’s heavily linked with autism.

I have not heard about shut downs until now. He does tend to block everything out using white noise and spends a lot of time sleeping.  I am still struggling to communicate with him as he is still blocking me out.  I am dreading Christmas for my daughters sake.

community.autism.org.uk/.../autistic-shutdowns-collection---do-you-experience-these

Might be worth reading up about shutdowns using the search tool, and also searching on relationships. A few posts have covered similar issues.

I would find a major project (chaos, mess, disorder in my daily environment + loads of small tasks to process and finish it) in the middle of this pandemic totally debilitating. Some days things can be so overwhelming I can’t manage to make the tea in the evening.  You might need to find a way to get help and take that DIY off his to do list if it’s overwhelming. 

my NT partner and I have talked a lot about my heightened need for control these days. With so much feeling unpredictable in life (work, pandemic, changing routines) this is resulting in me seeking to need certainty elsewhere

hope you can find a way to help him open and communicate the things he’s experiencing and also how hard this is on your guys too

There's 3-4 books out there for couples. I'm not a big fan of the two I read, I'm AS and was reading them regarding a relationship with an AS person. They pathologised the AS person a bit too much, expected the NT to do too much of the compromising, and could be a bit bleak. I've seen plenty of AS/AS and AS/NT relationships work just as well or better than NT/NT ones, but the difficult ones are the ones that get written up about. Still, you might recognise yourselves in the stories and advice, and they might help.

 I'm not sure it matters whether your partners behaviour is caused by ASD or some other reason for being controlling. The impact on you is the same, and the choice to expect better is the same. He needs to acknowledge and own his behaviour, as well as work with you to find a way around it, or change it. Just acknowledging that he's been unreasonable can take all the upset out of a situation. The question is whether his behaviour is unacceptable and should you have to put up with it short/long term. Walking on eggshells is not nice! Poor you:(. If he can talk about his pain I'm sure your sympathy and tolerance would go up loads.

Good luck.

Thanks. I will give that a read. 

i was going to say get away from him for a bit eg ur mums etc for a break & leave a note 

NAS70253 said:

My problem is I find it hard to distinguish between ASD behaviour and a controlling relationship. I seem to spend all my time saying sorry. I try to understand him, but I dont always get it right and spend my life walking on eggshells around him. Feeling quite desperate right now.

You might possibly find 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome' worth a read, as usually costs just short of £20, or there is the following free PDF link: 

http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf

It explains pretty much everything and gives workarounds for a great deal of the problems we face. 

With you stating your husbands diagnosis was a couple of years ago, most people have a diagnostic hangover for up to about four years, as they readjust to recognising themselves as being different rather than being out of order or faulty, which can take some getting over.

It might help if your husband reads a copy of the book also ~ so that you can compare notes and discuss the most amenable work arounds for you both as equals.

One tip often suggested is that of writing down the relationship issues in a prearranged letter or text rather than addressing them verbally without warning ~ as it minimises emotional and sensory overload with no immediate pressure to respond, and replying in writing helps some people come to terms with emotional issues without directly involving their partner and facilitates as such a 'cooling-off' / 'settling-down' process.

Yes a daughter and I know its hard for her too.

so sorry, it not easy living with an autistic person.

Do you have children ?