Published on 12, July, 2020
MY Husband was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years ago and has always had episodes where it has been hard to live with him. Recently due to Covid and isolation, these have become worse than usual, and I am really struggling. He has so much hate for the world inside him, which he takes out on me. I cannot do or say the right thing at the moment and its really getting me down. We are supposed to be decorating our lounge before Christmas, but he has given up on it after removing all the furniture and destroying the carpet. My problem is I find it hard to distinguish between ASD behaviour and a controlling relationship. I seem to spend all my time saying sorry. I try to understand him, but I dont always get it right and spend my life walking on eggshells around him. Feeling quite desperate right now.
There's 3-4 books out there for couples. I'm not a big fan of the two I read, I'm AS and was reading them regarding a relationship with an AS person. They pathologised the AS person a bit too much, expected the NT to do too much of the compromising, and could be a bit bleak. I've seen plenty of AS/AS and AS/NT relationships work just as well or better than NT/NT ones, but the difficult ones are the ones that get written up about. Still, you might recognise yourselves in the stories and advice, and they might help.
I'm not sure it matters whether your partners behaviour is caused by ASD or some other reason for being controlling. The impact on you is the same, and the choice to expect better is the same. He needs to acknowledge and own his behaviour, as well as work with you to find a way around it, or change it. Just acknowledging that he's been unreasonable can take all the upset out of a situation. The question is whether his behaviour is unacceptable and should you have to put up with it short/long term. Walking on eggshells is not nice! Poor you:(. If he can talk about his pain I'm sure your sympathy and tolerance would go up loads.
Good luck.