Published on 12, July, 2020
MY Husband was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years ago and has always had episodes where it has been hard to live with him. Recently due to Covid and isolation, these have become worse than usual, and I am really struggling. He has so much hate for the world inside him, which he takes out on me. I cannot do or say the right thing at the moment and its really getting me down. We are supposed to be decorating our lounge before Christmas, but he has given up on it after removing all the furniture and destroying the carpet. My problem is I find it hard to distinguish between ASD behaviour and a controlling relationship. I seem to spend all my time saying sorry. I try to understand him, but I dont always get it right and spend my life walking on eggshells around him. Feeling quite desperate right now.
Hi, my long-term boyfriend also has ASD and I have been struggling with having him in the house all the time too. Similarly, I have been wanting to decorate our place for Christmas but am waiting for the right moment - if he's in the mood he's in right now it wouldn't surprise me if he got angry with me for doing it or even rip it down if he has a meltdown.
I completely understand you about the walking on eggshells thing - I feel like I have to when he's in a certain mood. He is studying and has a piece of work due in soon, so this is when he is at his worst. Sometimes he will be fine, like last night, but today he is in a foul mood and I'm sure I will suffer for it. One of the things I find difficult is where to draw the line - what is autistic behaviour that I should ignore and put up with and what is verbal abuse that I have every right to be angry about. That is the hardest part for me. But I know how you feel - my partner is in one of those horrible angry moods and I really struggle with it. I dread them. You're not alone in the way you feel. I often feel alone in what I have to deal with but it is sometimes good to hear other NS partners are going through the same things!
I am reading a book right now if it is of any interest for you - it's called 'Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome' by Eva Mendes. I haven't finished it yet but it has been really helpful for trying to understand him. I know its not going to change his behaviour drastically, but just me beginning to understand has been really good for me. I found myself nodding to the scenario parts of the book - I felt like she was describing my partner exactly! I don't know about you but I struggle when he gets angry - it has moved me to tears many times in the past - but reading about the anger issues related to autism made me realize that's how he processes overwhelming feelings and that he doesn't mean his words. It doesn't mean I will never be upset again, but I do feel better. When he got angry last week, I didn't cry and just distracted myself. I knew he was having a meltdown and it wasn't my fault. The best I could do is be calm.
If you want to speak any further, about the book or your hubby, feel free to message me, I know I am struggling too!
Best wishes and Take care.