Funeral

Quick heads-up for those who are currently replying to Matthew: the question was asked in July 2020.

Of course, any further advice is still potentially useful for others, but just flagging in case you hadn't realised.

Hi, so I’ve been to a couple of funerals and also get hot quickly. Usually there is a ceremony held indoors and then some sort of gathering of people afterwards often with food and drink- are you worried about the ceremony specifically (the usually indoors part) or just the funeral in general? Some suggestions:

• ask for a list of service and the plans for the day (there is often one produced anyway, listing speakers and music played etc.)
• wear slightly more relaxed clothing than you may think- if you’re worried about formal wear getting hot, there may be some changes you can make eg not wearing a tie or wearing loose fitting trousers made of plant fibres (cotton or linen). If there was an item of clothing your grandma loved, wearing that is also a lovely show of affection. 
• sit near the door, or consider only going to the ‘celebration of life’ afterwards (if there is one). If you tell the funeral home employees (or you could hand them a card explaining) they can help- they’re usually very kind. It’s quite acceptable if you need to leave the service halfway through for some air
• Take a comfort item- I have a little dinosaur I like to look at that helps me relax and ground myself, sometimes a distraction can be a good thing

I hope these help if you’d like to go, but there’s also no judgement from anyone here (or your grandma from the sounds of things) if you feel you can’t handle it. Grief is very personal and a complex topic, so feeling uncertain around it is totally understandable. 

I am sensitive to spirits and ghosts.

Perhaps you could ask her if there were any objects you might have to use for a personal ceremony of farewell that you can do privately? Ask her to come and witness while it's going on after her passing so you can say speak your heart have that closure.

I have never managed to go to a funeral myself for similar reasons to yours and I like to do these small farewells in private. Often the departed come by and acknowledge the sincerity of the gesture.

First off, sending lots of love and support your way during this tough time. Funerals can be really hard, especially when you're trying to navigate everything. Remember, it's totally okay to feel however you're feeling right now.

 Hey MatthewD - love your name, a boy I knew at school was called MatthewD (Dylan) and everyone used to call him MatthewD.

I know your post is from a while ago and it looks like you haven't checked in for a while but I hope the funeral went well dude and you did what was right for you. Just know whether you went to your Grans funeral or not she would have been proud of you man. You can say goodbye in your own way, you don't need to go to the funeral to do that. You got to do what's best for you always.

When my mum died I was in a similar situation to how you were and I wasn't sure what to do. In the end I didn't go, I wasn't up to it and I know my mum would have understood that. Instead I've since made a nice memorial cove to the garden, where there's a stone plaque for my mum with her name on it. It's surrounded by a stone border and there's a bench there too. I wanted to do something special for my mum so I could say goodbye in my own way that was right for me and also so her memory stays alive.

If you ever see this post MatthewD maybe that's something you could do for your Gran if you wanted to.

Take care dude. I hope things have improved since you made that post.

Maybe do something in your own time in your own way. Celebrate her life and how she impacted your own life. It isn't about what others think or see, it is deeply personal to you and your bond with her. Nobody else had the same relationship or experiences, no matter who they are.

I've never been "good" with handling deaths. My view differs from most other people. I am pratical minded. I understand loss but I don't emotionally express or feel it in the same way at NT, I suspect. What I'm trying to say it this; don't feel obliged to express yourself and how you react to her death the way others do or expect. I used to and don't anymore.

It sounds like she knew you very well and understood you.

With my Mum’s funeral the management at the supermarket I worked for at the time in 2009 deeply resented having to give me time off and hinted to other members of staff that I had made it all up just to get time off and got them to put all sorts of abusive and insulting comments on social media by people from work who were so called friends - when I came back and read this stuff online, I took snapshots and reported this to the company, who promptly took disciplinary action against me for attempting to raise this issue, for having social media accounts while working for the company, and for taking unauthorised time off despite my notifying them in advance as per their attendance policies 

Not even compassionate leave?

Living in Manchester U.K. 22 years and having family in Rural Ireland, I know from experience that Irish Catholic funerals are very well attended in Rural Ireland, even when my Mum died in 2009 and my Dad died in 2018 - many Irish people dying here in the U.K. before Covid who want to be buried in Ireland were usually brought over on the Ferries via Holyhead to Dublin in hearses and many Irish funeral directors prefer this way rather than air cargo at airports - what surprised me was the huge numbers of people at the removal, at the Mass, assisted by the local Gardai (police) and the burial - the stressful part for me was having to travel from the U.K. to Ireland at short notice and taking time off work, having to ring work to take a week off to sort things out, especially legal stuff with my Dad’s funeral 

Your gran's understanding nature shines through her words, offering you the freedom to decide what's best for you.

MatthewD said:

I'm very worried about the funeral because I've never been to one before and usually when I go out to places it causes me to get very hot and I usually pass out

Funerals can actually be much less stressful than you may expect if you are not a big emotion expresser normally.

It is an occasion where EVERYONE is working from the same script. Ask someone with experience to explain what will happen in detail and it will be much easier to follow.

You are going to be seen as normal if you are as unexpressive as post (some people get numb with grief) and if you cry (ask someone who is close to you -in advance- to help you out of this starts). About the only thing that is unacceptable is cursing/anger or humour.

Since the crowd are likely to be supportive and passive then I think this will help you avoid being overcome.

As a autist you may not be able to process your grief in the same time and way as everybody else, but if you get the chance I would suggest having your own little ceremony like AlenBorsh said - it may work or not, but trying is a part of helping process the situation.

I hope it works out OK for you.

I hope you got through it ok. What I did when I lost my dad was didn't go to the funeral but went on my own at a later date and had my own moment where I could say goodbye. I did it in my own little way and it worked for me. If you didn't go I'm sure your grandma would have understood. I hope you're doing better now.

I'm so sorry to hear about your gran's illness and your worries about attending the funeral. It's completely understandable to feel conflicted in this situation.

This is my biggest fear, I feel your pain.

The idea of me looking/sounding weird and being expected to show emotion OR not being hysterical with my emotion is constantly at the back of my mind.

If people have treated you nicely and you don't fear being mocked, then you should go.

go ! please go ---- it means alot to all the rest of your family. I made the mistake of not going to family funerals I regretted it afterwards. Go there cry and scream if need be..... thats what I do now .... be upset u have every right to be  everyone understands. I mean that. 

Keep seated as much as possible, or hold onto someone,,, would be the thing here so u dont hurt yourself 

people faint at funerals  all the time 

your presence will be highly significant . ......highly significant.... your granny asked you to be there. That is truely lovely of her

do this

tell ur mum and dad..... u want to go .............u really want to go because your granny asked you to go ......u really want to go but need them to be close by  ..... they will agree I can assure u  

I can completely understand your worry ,

My sister had to talk me into going to my dads funeral in 2012 as i felt the same worry and panic ,

But i  found people are a lot more easier to read at a funeral as you are all there to pay your respects and the places are very calm ,

It is up to you , you know if you are capable of going and by the sounds of it your nan does too ,

Take your time