Don’t have any friends

I have my husband, who I met at 16. Then a guy from uni who I later became friends with through email, and a daughter of a colleague. All three are introverted and accept that I don't go out to parties or clubs. We probably meet 3 times a year and that's usually enough for me. I'm grateful to have them as I know I'm not very likeable.

Since my daughter started school I have tried to make friends with other parents but without fail they always cut off from me once they get to know me. In hindsight, I wish I had kept myself to myself as the constant rejection is horrible. In 2 cases they started acting hostile after I told them I have autism.

A life of feeling like "I think this person likes me" only to discover that they were lying or being fake, gets quite depressing. When I meet people with 30+ friends I feel very inadequate.

Having said that it feels very nice knowing that it's not just me. I guess if everyone had 0-3 friends I'd be okay with it.

lol, was that joke by accident ?

Yes it’s easier than talking. Does that friend behave differently to you now knows you are?

How did you become friends with your one friend?

The dreaded spontaneity- that’s funny I don’t know why. I’ll always remember the first time someone said to me when I was a teenager ‘you should be more spontaneous’ and I replied ‘what do you mean?’ The person explained what the word meant and then I said ‘I’ll try’ but little did I know then how difficult that would be! That person soon after started abusing me so not good.  if I can’t do something other people are doing then they sometimes start bullying me.

Yes sometimes it can be weeks

I've one, that's one way from being a full recluse.

One of the reasons I am glad I do not have any friends is that a fair number of the people I have managed to get reasonably familiar with in the past had the habit of identifying and attempting to rectify with their "Wise words" or warnings what they perceived as flaws in my character/personality/attitude or whatever.

I never know if I should express anger at their interference and what could be taken as their arrogance and lack of respect or be gracious and believe without question that they are making a sincere attempt to do me some good, either way I am saddened when such things take place because it means that another of my many shortcomings has gained attention and my inability to follow any advice-or even understand what the hell I am doing which is so wrong in the first place-is often viewed as being either carelessness/apathy/sloth/cavalier disregard,etc,etc and soon the distances become longer, the chats shorter and the previously friendly smiles become wearier.here we go again and there's no way back. 

Who needs any of that crap? I choose solitude and have greater peace of mind.

I only recently made a couple of friends. After discussing it during my assessment session I realised that both of these friendships are helped by a lot of our communication being by text or instant messaging (as opposed to talking), as this takes much of the stress out of communications. Only 1 of my friends know I've been diagnosed as autistic. 

I have a few acquaintances and one friend the rest I would consider as friend's are actually family so not a friend ha,

But I don't really like having friends because of the upkeep in the friendship becomes a strain and I feel bad that I don't want to talk to them or have them in my space nothing against them though,iterally I just don't want to be overwhelmed. Also I like pursuing individual hobbies like crafts, design, carpentry, sculpting, playing my guitar, growing plants, so no room for anyone else's distuing my zen

Maybe a couple of times, never all that bad tbh.  By age 11 I was almost 6' tall and still growing, so I got picked on a little because of that.  I think I was probably lucky to grow up when I did, nowadays kids seem to be so much more ruthless.

agape said:

Lots of people prefer spontaneity it seems and since I don’t fit with that I get rejected. When I ask people what’s going to happen or what exactly we’ll be doing they don’t want to tell me. It’s like events are like some game that has to be a secret to make it exciting. The problem is I find it so difficult to just go somewhere or do something without knowing exactly what’s involved.

Yes, the dreaded spontaneity. There are so many anxieties to be had - not just discomfort, but potential meltdown situations involved in socialising. And if I do meltdown, that will be the one thing everyone remembers. 

agape said:

I don’t like to say it but I’m glad I’m not alone with this.

You absolutely aren't. Just look at how many people have replied to this thread already, this is a really common problem for people with autism. 

agape said:

It feels better to finally chat to other people with similar difficulties.

Yep, I know exactly how you feel. I think, maybe, this defines the basis of lasting friendships—feeling that you've met someone who understands you, and you them.

agape said:

So I’m proud of myself that I have become involved like this.

I'm sorry you've struggled to join in previously. Really well done for conquering it! I know it can't have been easy.

I'm sorry to read about your experiences of friendship. I think it's more challenging being a woman and trying to relate to other women (or girls when we're younger) because they're so much more sociable, gossipy etc. so it takes a huge amount of energy to mask and copy, and they're also more likely to notice when you fall even slightly short, and then tell all their friends about it. Men are generally easier and less fussy. If you can talk about football and/or cars and/or computers, they accept you; if you're happy to buy a round of drinks once in a while or help them paint their fence or whatever, then you're golden. The downside with men is that, when you do all these things, they think you're their perfect woman and start hitting on you. It really is a minefield.

I think the person you described won't be a great loss from your life. She sounds very unkind. Can I ask how old you are? Her behaviour reminds me of the kind of thing I encountered in my teenage years.

agape said:

Yes what they expect is exhausting. It takes me hours or days just to recover from a party.

Same here. And because people don't see the recovery, they don't understand how challenging we find it all.

agape said:

I have certain things I like to do but a variety of different activities in a short amount of time is too much for me.

Same! I've not seen my fiancé's family since New Year's Day. We were invited over for lunch, which I thought would be okay, but we then spent the entire rest of the day playing full-on family games—not quiet, civilised things like Scrabble or Monopoly where people take turns (so you get some downtime in between each go)—but the crazy, loud, unrelenting stuff where everybody is joining in constantly. Different game, after different game, after different game for hours; all with different rules and social cues, and absolutely no intelligence or strategy required. It was far too much for me. Took me about 8 days to recover.

There are people I know (acquaintances) and colleagues

Same with me.

on the rare occasions when I got the chance to get a friend, they wanted the friendship to be full of social activities that make me feel mentally choked and suffocated, or the masking needed to spend time with them was just exhausting, because they wanted me to meet their other friends.

Oh, snap! It is completely exhausting, and I never understand their need to turn it into a group thing.

I can't accept invitations or hang out without knowing exactly what's going to happen.

Freaks me out too. As others have said, it's exhausting just going to a new place with a new person, let alone all the 'surprises' that happen once you get there.

Yes when one has been bullied, ostracised, abused, neglected, excluded, misunderstood, falsely accused, experienced violence from other humans it is difficult to trust.

I heard an older woman on tv who has autism say that ‘now that I’m older, finally, the bullying has stopped’.

Yes I know exactly what you mean by ‘faded’. That happened to me. I think I had one friend in junior school but she moved to another country. It seemed at first that I was part of a group when I was a teenager and starting secondary school but that faded quickly as soon as people found out that I was different. Then the bullying started.

The bullying is a continuous thing throughout my life. Incessant.

Yes humans can be so mean to eachother. What exactly do they do to eachother?

At least I know that I am a good person. 

Have you had any bullying? 

Hello CD, 

I don’t have any friends from primary school.

I do want to have friends too.

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I have tried so hard and been so kind to people but they have just been cruel to me.

I also need to know exactly what’s going to happen. Lots of people prefer spontaneity it seems and since I don’t fit with that I get rejected. When I ask people what’s going to happen or what exactly we’ll be doing they don’t want to tell me. It’s like events are like some game that has to be a secret to make it exciting. The problem is I find it so difficult to just go somewhere or do something without knowing exactly what’s involved.

Yes what they expect is exhausting. It takes me hours or days just to recover from a party.

I have certain things I like to do but a variety of different activities in a short amount of time is too much for me.

People should be more charitable and learn the wisdom to be more understanding then those of us who need friends would be able to have friends.

I never know when I could make a close friend. I just don’t know how other people are thinking a lot of the time.