Don’t have any friends

I wish I had at least one friend or more. I need to feel the love and company of other people. I’m not sure if I feel lonely or not. I think I have been through so many bad things that I don’t really try anymore to make friends.

A friend would stay with you through your difficult times and be charitable and understanding. A friend would do whatever they could to help. To do loving things for one’s friend to the extent that one can is true friendship.

There are so many bullies

Yes I am not accepted it seems either and people have tried to get me to be someone I’m not. People have said to be ‘be more spontaneous, be louder, do this, do that, be this, be that,’ I’ve just had enough of it. I would like friends though or at least one friend. I just don’t understand why people generally seem to be so fake, mean, and uncharitable.

Yes the ‘normal person act’. I know exactly what you mean.

You can chat with me? 

I don’t like to say it but I’m glad I’m not alone with this. It feels better to finally chat to other people with similar difficulties.  It has taken me years just to actually start joining in a forum for people who have autism. I tried so many times but I was finding it difficult to do this. So I’m proud of myself that I have become involved like this.

I have tried my whole life to copy other girls and women and as a result have become quite a good actor.  But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t genuine in my feelings. I have always cared to make friends but soon realized especially as a teenager that I was different in an extremely different way from other girls when it came to talking (especially in a group), making friends, going out with friends, going to parties etc. I have found that people have not let me be myself and when I found some things difficult (as fore-mentioned) and couldn’t understand their conversations or their social behaviors they started to exclude me and bully me. A lot of people have been not only fake to me but have also deceived me and the worst of these cases has led to violence against me on many occasions. But I myself have always been kind to other people. My dad is the only person who really understands what I am going through (but not completely understands) and he has been supportive but it took me a long time to try to explain to him because as I was growing up, I didn’t communicate my feelings much (I didn’t really understand myself either) so the support and understanding has only recently started. 

I had a cat when I was a girl and although I didn’t think of it as a friend I did love it dearly.  I too was so sad when it died. I couldn’t bear to get another cat.

I have my favorite teddies too. I think that in many ways, like Peter Pan, I never grew up.

I have just given up trying to make friends at the moment. I’ve tried so hard but people have been so mean to me. There is one person I tried to make friends with whom I had known for a few years and as I never know when I’m actually friends with someone because I don’t really understand how this is ascertained (I usually have to ask people if they are my friend or if they want to be my friend whereas I have noticed that with adults this is usually a lot more subtle which I find difficult) I asked her one day ‘are we still friends?’ And she replied, cruelly ‘no we are not friends, you hardly ever go anywhere with me and you don’t do what is expected of friends and communicate properly-I haven’t heard from you for weeks’. (I thought that she didn’t want me to contact her because she hadn’t been contacting me). I was devastated. I then said to her, hoping for some understanding, ‘but I’ve recently found out I have autism so will you try to understand and help me to be a better friend because I’ve tried my best and I care about you and still want to be your friend and I’m sorry if I haven’t been what you want me to be but I’m trying so hard. If you can just accept that I find some things difficult like going out and communicating I will keep trying and I will be a loyal friend’. But, she didn’t care. She then cruelly said to me 

‘so you’ve found out you have autism. Good, now that you know that maybe now you can do some research and find out how you can be friends with someone but I’ll tell you this I will never be your friend, you didn’t go out places when I invited you, you did not communicate like a friend because I’ve not heard from you in months and so I hope you just find out how to fix yourself but not with me’.

And she was angry, so angry and unforgiving and uncharitable. I had not contacted her for a while because I thought she didn’t want to be my friend as she hadn’t contacted me either for months. I was correct though, it’s obvious that she didn’t want to be my friend. I also tried to go out places with her but I was going through a bad time at that time and anyway I do find going out places so difficult. It’s not my fault.

I have other similar experiences with trying to make friends.

I went to a mental health support group once and was friendly with the only other person who turned up. We swapped phone numbers and it seemed like I had make a friend. She invited me to the pub for a drink a few days later. I went and then to my horror when we got there people called out to her from two different tables, and she started chatting with them across from our table. So there were kind of three conversations going on at once: her and me, her and another table, her and yet another table. And the confusion of it all, not knowing who I should speak to, or what to say to these strangers, made me terrified. 

That traumatised me and made me more cautious about meeting new people. I've had some other experiences like that. Different but similar too, where getting to know someone leads to very quickly being pulled into a massive social circle, and you don't know if you're part of it or not, or liked by the people or not, or what makes them tick. 

Thanks. Do you find maybe that it was easier to make friends with people when you were a child but as a teenager and adult it became more difficult? 

Jen25 said:

any

Just wondering why you haven’t made any friends most recently (the past years)? What was different before those years?

I start to get friends, I mask so hard but eventually it slips and I'm alone. I do want just one friend that I can trust as I dont have family but I dont think it will ever be

I feel same way,  my friends.  

likewise, lol.

None here either.  I had some friends in school and a small social group when I was a teenager, but those relationships faded pretty quickly.  Used to bother me a lot I guess, but now that I'm middle aged (IKR) I'm not too bothered as my peers seem to have 'friends' on a superficial basis only.  Add to that all the drama and backstabbing that goes on, well, I wonder what's the point.

Hello agape, 

No, I'm certain you're not the only one on here.

I, myself, do not have a circle of friends. I had one friend from primary school that I last heard from over 12 months ago. He now works and lives in London.

With me, I DO want to have friends. Unfortunately, I have a difficult time trusting people my age. I have tried very hard to get involved with others before and they have then thrown it back in my face for no apparent reason.

I'm the same. There are people I know (acquaintances) and colleagues, but on the rare occasions when I got the chance to get a friend, they wanted the friendship to be full of social activities that make me feel mentally choked and suffocated, or the masking needed to spend time with them was just exhausting, because they wanted me to meet their other friends.  I got terrified and pushed them away, I can't let people get too close and I can't accept invitations or hang out without knowing exactly what's going to happen.  Then there are the awkward silences. 

There were 2 chances in the last 10 years to make a close friend this way. 

On weekdays I don't mind being isolated, but it's lonely at the weekends sometimes. Sometimes I go all day without speaking out loud. 

Thank you. 

Leaf said:

I don't think so but then I might not be the best person to ask

Touché. 

Nessie said:

This is Monkey.

And a very lovely Monkey he is too 

Nessie said:

Have I missed anything?

I don't think so but then I might not be the best person to ask 

Thank you, Nessie. 

This is Monkey. He'll love you and never leave you. He's also an excellent listener. (He's a bit rough around the edges now, but he is 17 years old, spends most nights squished in my left armpit, and doesn't particularly like baths.)

I guess it depends what friends are for:

1. To comply with social norms (i.e. So you can say, "Yes, I have friends.")
2. For emotional support (which I get, in part, from this forum)
3. For practical help (Monkey couldn't help me move house, but I could pay a removal company)
4. To enjoy shared experiences (movies, jokes, sunsets... whatever floats your boat, this seems important to NTs)
5. To fend off the bullies (there's something to be said for safety in numbers)
6. To not be alone (I do get lonely sometimes, but don't tell Monkey—he'd be hurt if he knew)

Have I missed anything?

Do you feel lonely or wish that you did have friends or are you just curious about other people? A yes to any and all of that is perfectly natural I suppose. 

Oh no it is definitely not just you. I don't have any friends, what puzzles me is that I kinda think I'm ok with that. In order to not keep squishing me into a social norm that I just didn't fit I seem to have removed myself from it entirely; I didn't do it consciously to begin with but it is now quite obvious that is what I've done. 

I would like to chat from time to time with other people like me but I think I would rather be alone than be uncomfortable and feel like I have to perform the 'normal person act'. 

Having said that the excessive amounts of time I spend with only myself are probably having a detrimental effect on my mental health. I can't keep it up I suppose but I don't know what to replace it with. 

No, it's not just you. After spending my whole life masking, the very few "friends" I have are all in inverted commas because I can't be myself around them and I have little interest in the things they do and talk about, so it feels fake.

I'm really lucky to have found my 'special someone' and we are getting married next year. He's my best friend and totally 'gets' me; I can just be myself around him and he loves me for it. I'm also quite close to my dad, although he's 70 now and I worry one day soon he'll be gone.

Growing up, my cat was my best friend, and when he died it completely crushed me.

I also have a small cuddly toy named Monkey (he's a monkey), so at least I know he'll never leave me.

I feel a lot closer to the people I chat to on this forum than most of the people I come across in real life, and I find it's a close enough approximation to friendship for me, so, for now at least, I've stopped looking to make new friends out in the real world.

I'm sorry you are going through this feeling :( I have a couple of friends who I have known for a really long time but for the past years I have not made any friends. College has been lonely and so has work and uni. It seems I am incapable :(