What should you expect from an autistic boyfriend?

I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

I know this post is pretty old, but hopefully my reply is still helpful to OP and anyone else coming across it.

Communication can be difficult in any relationship. There’s an interesting method called RADAR that helps partners schedule and discuss various issues in the relationship before they become big issues. I think it could be very helpful for people with autism, because it’s very organized and everyone knows what to expect and when to expect it. Check it out, maybe it could work for you?

multiamory.com/radar

First of all, you don't sound like a useless girlfriend, you sound like an incredibly supportive girlfriend. Most would leave, you've not only stuck around but you've come here to find ways to help him, you're a diamond, it sounds like. 

With regards his worrying, it may be related to autism but it may also be related to OCD (I believe there's a lot of crossover) which I personally suffer from, and while it's under control now, at it's worst it's incredibly debilitating. It sounds like if he's asking these sorts of questions regularly, seeking reassurance over seemingly illogical concerns, he might also suffer from OCD. It sounds very similar to what I used to do, early on, and I needed reassurance all the time, too. 

As for the lack of empathy, it's common, and while it may seem like he doesn't care I can tell you that in my most recent relationship I cared deeply, I just didn't know how to express it or how to broach certain subjects, and it drove me crazy trying to work out the best way of doing so. In the end, I never did work it out so I'm sure she just thought I didn't care, it makes me really sad to think about tbh so I try not to. I'd hazard a guess his difficulty in communicating is just as frustrating for him as mine was, for me. 

As for the sex thing, I've come to realise that I have a lower sex drive than most, and it does seem to be another thing common among those with autism. Having said that, where I was always satisfied after one time my ex was, imo, a nymphomaniac and very demanding, and though with my lower sex drive I found it very challenging I did end up able to go up to four or five times a day, in the end, so I'd say you can probably train him up in that regard :p 

Oh but on that note if he is on medication that stuff can severely limit your sex drive, too, something to keep in mind if he takes any in future although there will likely be ways to remedy that if it's one of the side effects. 

Please don't let it make you feel bad about yourself, I am sure he treasures you and I realise it's difficult having a relationship with someone with this condition but you really do sound like an incredibly supportive, loving partner to him and even if he can't express that to you himself I'm sure he'll recognise and appreciate that, even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it. 

I hope this helps in some way :) 

Bit odd to say that to someone having sex with the guy, made my cringe.

No offence to you but your comment reads very oddly. 

I think autistic people vary far more than the norm. People vary anyway. I have a high sex drive, I like it a lot and often, even after four years of marriage, but that's me. You can expect that he'll respond oddly sometimes. I don't know if I've upset my partner because I had a bit of a meltdown or I had a melt down because something my partner did upset me. I'm not good at handling the situations like that. Not too common luckily. 

Since I only got diagnosed last year, I'm still fairly new to this, but I came to the realisation that I can be a right insensitive berk at times, and well over sensitive at others. And it is a problem with me and not the world's fault.

This does contrast with my political stance expressed elsewhere, but since my society seems now to be structured to give power to those who complain the most about "injustice" and expect the society to bend over backwards to cater for their minority interests, then that's the way that game is played..

In common with many Autists I've had a lot of people try to "fix" me or "teach me a lesson" over the years, and after over a half century of that ***, I'm not prepared to put up with it IN MY OWN HOME for a period longer than about 3 milliseconds.

I think that's a big part of why we have difficulty in relationships, we expect to be able to "drop the mask" at home and when we do we do not appear to be so nice or quick to be "false". On the other hand when I am supportive at least it is REAL.

I completely lost the love for my own partner in amongst all the stupid arguments and stresses, and found myself to be in a co-dependent relationship. (Which is supposed to be a bad thing, but at least if we depend on each other, there is something to build on).

Post diagnosis, I have been extremely tempted to leave, as with a different partner who supports me in overcoming the criticaI weakness I have applying for jobs, I could once again earn decent money, but OTOH she stuck with me (mostly) through 19 really bad years, about 13 of which I was living under her roof. I've decided to take an aggressive attitude towards obtaining both happiness and contentment for both myself and her from now on. I may not have the instincts some N.T's have for handling others, and "making them happy" but I do have an awful lot of book learning on the subject, and the first objective was to tolerate & participate in less stupid arguments. It's easy to shut down the arguments that arise from my Autism now, by asking "what's the point of punishing me for the way I am wired?

But, I feel it needs to be balanced by (now I know) me making an effort to do some of the stuff that doesn't come naturally to me as well. I am getting better at calling in when I am running late, better at doing more of what is expected of me.

But best of all, when I can feel myself starting to "sperg out" I can tell people what is happening, and call for a pause in my participation. Anyone who's seen me lose my *** before, seem to prefer to give me a bit of time to get myself straight, rather than experience it again. I now realise I can be in the middle of a foul mood before I've realised it. I long ago realised that emotions (either my own or other people's) are overwhelming ONLY IF I FEEL PERSONALLY INVOLVED and I've been self medicating for some forty+ years with a drug that provides some "detachment from reality" which is enormously helpful in stopping me from losing my stuff over the little things. I've also cultivated an ALL-IN attitude to conflict where I absolutely will use any tool or trick to win, and consequently I avoid conflict as much as possible.

One guy literally killed himself with the effort of trying to beat me & several others look pretty broken at this point in time, (no one expect me to win, I don't look strong!) and whilst I don't spare those people any consideration, (If you come at me, what happens next is your own fault!) I'd rather not have to destroy any more eejits, if I can find ways to ward off any new emerging conflicts.

The same goes with my social relationships, Now I know how I appear to others, I can modify my behaviour more to fit in with their expectations, and if it isn't enough, I can elect to leave the relationship before the unpleasant forced ending comes.

Knowledge really IS power. Power to do good or evil.

OF course the villain in many movies is often very Autistic. Brilliant but pissed off with the endless rejection or maltreatment from his peers he sets out to "conquer the world" or some other such tosh. In reality the story is more like that of Raoul Moat, who sought medical support for his issues, was prescribed the killer drug Prozac (which in my experience, removes one's ability to be "reasonable" in ones thinking and removes any urge towards self-control in specific areas) and went and "handed some out for a change".

That sort of thinking NEVER GOES WELL.        

In a nutshell, Autism sucks a lot of the "niceness" out of the life experience if you let it, which further compromises ones ability to sustain relationships. As a high functioning and reasonably powerful Autist, I find that part of the condition unacceptable, and I've been fighting it without knowing exactly what I was fighting for many decades. That each relationship I have had has been longer than the last, I take as an indication that I am winning that fight at last.

I have very little empathy or people reading skills of course, but I do have Christian teachings and the example of Jesus Christ to fall back on, and am successfully IN the world, even if I am not OF the world as a result. The "Golden Rule" is INVALUABLE to us Autists, I can tell you. I personally believe it's why I am high functioning and not completely dysfunctional.

I can confirm all of the above to be true. We had awful relationship problems until I got my diagnosis. I've often been accused of "not caring" about people, whereas the reality, is that I don't respond "properly". Worse I'm on the ADD end of the spectrum so I get distracted and forgetful unless I'm fixated. This clearly comes across as I only care about my own stuff, I.E. selfishness, when that is not what is in my heart. I've developed P.D.A. at some point, so the more an NT tries to bully me into acting as you expect, the more I shut down.

Most of N.T. activity seems to involve putting pressure on other people to get what they want, with many unspoken rules about how far and when they can push an issue and how much dishonesty is acceptable with different people. We autists tend to ask for what we want plainly and straightforwardly which simply does not work because we are seen as not playing by the rules...

The trouble with the "nicer" N.T. people is that it is almost always a "mask" and we don't see through it at first and then when we do, it always comes as a horrible shock, just as it is a horrible shock for an N.T. partner to realise they have fallen in love with an Autist.

What we do have going for us however, (which often gets overlooked) is usually above average problem solving skills, a "purity of being" or intrinsic honesty that those who are steeped in NT bullshit can never hope to achieve, which my friends do seem to value, and the ability to give love simply and wholeheartedly, which my cats over the years certainly appreciate and occasionally an NT notices. I personally would LIKE to be a nicer person, being more giving and supportive, except that on the majority of times I attempt that it seems to be taken as "weakness" by the NT's and treated appropriately according to their lights..

It's why I prefer to interact with cats and machines. 

Hello!!! Are you still active? Would love to speak to you as I believe I am dating an aspie but he is not diagnosed.

It might be worth mentioning, in addition to Troglodyte's comments about not knowing how we (or others) feel, that this can make emotions really overwhelming. I am very uncomfortable with extremes of emotion, mine or other people's. If I am in the presence  of someone who is very emotional, I really don't know what to do. I find it frightening, and get very anxious. My most common reaction is to remove myself physically (preferably) or mentally from the situation. If forced to remain, I will often end up tears myself, which people think is because I am upset that the other person is upset. It's not, it's because I am completely overwhelmed by the situation. 

I wonder if it might be worth asking your boyfriend how having you lying next to him crying makes him feel? I know that what you most want is for him to understand how you feel, but you may get an answer along the lines of he is paralysed by not knowing what on earth to do in this situation. He can't even begin to think about what a reasonable response might be, if he can't get past the anxiety of knowing this is a "bad situation" and having no idea what to do about it.

My boyfriend (I am female, he is not autistic, for info!) sometimes goes into a huge sulk about something and will then just stomp around the house looking depressed for ages afterwards. I have no idea what the appropriate response to this should be, so I do nothing. Sometimes I leave the room. Maybe he thinks I should sympathise, or feel bad because he is upset, I don't know. Part of me thinks that a 30-something guy sulking like a 5 year old deserves to be ignored anyway, but most of it is that I really have no idea what to do, and that makes me very uncomfortable. I probably look stand-off-ish to anyone else when I do this.

I guess what I am trying to say is that at some point when you are not feeling terrible or in an emotional state about something, it could be really good to ask him how those things make him feel. Very important that the question is not emotionally loaded, so he knows there is no right or wrong answer, just that you really want to understand.

As for the sex question, there is evidence that there is a higher percentage of people who are asexual amongst autistics. This means they do not experience sexual attraction to any gender. Hugging and intimacy fine, but the interest in sex is not there. This may be the case for your boyfriend, in which case don't blame yourself. It may be that he is simply not attracted to anyone in that way, rather than that he doesn't find you attractive, if that makes sense!

Best of luck, and for what it's worth, you don't sound like a rubbish girlfriend to me. You sound like someone who is making a big effort to understand the guy who is so important to you.

Some of what you say rings so true with me. My husband can come across as friendly & funny to others but then to me is really selfish & hurtful. He will fly off the handle at the slightest thing & say that I am constantly criticising him if I try to ask him to do something differently. It’s funny how someone can be so sensitive to criticism but then be so insensitive to how their behaviour affects others. 

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/13404/i-m-new-boyfriend-has-autism-want-advice/82595#82595

(...That is the Link, but the Thread is short.)

Hi all, i found this page as i am also trying to deal witn these issues, my husband of 7 years, been together 21.Has just today been to the gp to ask about referal for autism assessment. We have four children, two of whom as autistic, and im finding the same issues as posted above, i have over the year been very alone, depresed and very stressed over the way he acts, we cant communicate as he finds this very difficult  we also have issues regarding no emotional support over the years. We are now both attending marriage guidance to help with these issues  but i have come to the realisation, its me that needs to change my expectations and what i need, as he probably will never be able to provide what i need.   Sorry to hijack your post, but i just wanted to say hi and and this all sounds very similar to my life x

Just had to say thank you Trogluddite for your reply,, and I hope you don’t mind me pasting it up here for the two women looking for some guidance to read.

it really explains a great deal of what a lot of men go through.

 An insight to how some of us function. Yes we are all different,, but the most important thing in my mind is communication, don’t just accept and try to cope, dialogue is very important, 

And the comment “ don’t ever forget a relationship must be satisfying for both partners.”

Dont end up just being his carer or his mother. 

Many thanks Trogluddite...aspie hug ()

I do not know how to put up links to other threads but here is a recent response to a question or two about relationships,,

Would you have any advice on how to address things when they are one sided with out it turning into argument? I find that some times when I try to talk to him about things I don’t think I deserve he feels like I’m attacking him which I’m not and it usually ends in him saying more hurtful things. 

But thank you!

It’s so nice to hear that someone is experiencing the same and similar things! 

The same thing happened to me tonight my boyfriend said some really hurtful things, I’ve been helping him look for a place to move into (I’ve literally done all the work and arranged/ driven him to view the places) and he still had a go at me saying that I didn’t want to help him etc. I stood up for myself and explained to him that he can’t say things like that and I think he kind of understood. 

I’ve been very stressed too and get the exact same response if I’m upset or crying he will sometimes say I’m overreacting and that he can’t deal with me. When in reality all I need him to do is hug me and listen to what I need to say. But I’ve now explained that to him that If I am crying or upset I need him to hug me and listen and just comfort me, not walk away or get annoyed at me. 

I’m glad you mentioned about the friend thing it’s so frustrating that they get the charming side of our boyfriends! It started to concern me because he is always so nice to her and even defends her when she’s been and continues to be quite unfriendly towards me, but he always tells me that they are friends only and I do believe him. 

I would say it’s 50/50 like he doesn’t know how to have girlfriend, because he’s told me how he’s treated pass girlfriends and it sounds great. However I know from his pass relationships and from what I’ve gathered they’ve ended because they’ve cheated on him for the lack of empathy he can give them. I know I would never ever cheat but it’s a worry if that is how his pass relationships have ended. 

I wish there was some easy guide to understand everything!

Please remember we are all different,,, we are not all the same despite the label.

The cap fits all is not true,,,yes many do share similar traits,,, I feel unable to comment freely about intimacy, but just to let you know some of us are able to enjoy intimacy in a more “romantic” way.

Also wanted to add to you and NAS39228, you are amazing trying to find out how best to accomadate there needs, please remember you too are allowed to have needs met, it cannot be just a one way thing. There are ways but if you carry on bending and not being yourselves then ultimately he will be mothered, he then won’t want change,,, be kind to yourselves, don’t allow things to be purely one sided, 

take care and thank you for trying so hard to make things work.

Yeah thanks. He has said before that he doesn't really know what to do and he has said before that it makes him feel sad, I think he just doesn't know what to do in that situation.

Yes that does make sense, and I often feel like i'm being motherly sometimes.

But, some of the contact he likes, like spooning and kissing in a romantic way are not motherly, but I guess sex is just on another level really.