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What should you expect from an autistic boyfriend?

NAS39212

Hi all,

I'm nearly 22 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He got diagnosed with autism only last year, just a couple months into me seeing him. He asked me if it put me off him, and of course it didn't even cross my mind, it did not bother me at all, even though I knew it would be a challenge at times. He has high-functioning autism, which means compared to other forms of autism, he function very well, and sometimes you would not even know until you got to know him. But I have come on this site because although I have managed very well over the past year, I feel like I need some support because sometimes I cannot always distinguish what is his autism or what is his being selfish, etc.

His autism makes him prone to overthinking a lot of things, this happens so frequently and he can get angry or upset about things anyone else wouldn't because its as though he jumps to too many conclusions and always thinks 'what if..'. When he gets like this, he will calm down with a little time, and often I found giving hugs, head rubs, and general attention makes him relax. Does anyone experience this or know how to help?

Sometimes I really really struggle with his lack of empathy. I try to understand but it just really hurts me sometimes that I will practically bend over backwards to make him feel better so often, but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel emotionally drained and I cry because he does not give me nearly as much attention as I give to him. It just feels hurtful sometimes, even if he doesn't mean it but I don't know how to say this to him without him getting defensive. How can I cope with this lack of empathy? Do I just have to continually remind myself that he doesn't mean it? I think that's something I am learning, its just difficult. A couple of weeks ago when he was in an extremely stresses state he said that he didn't want to look at me, and although I wanted to cry, I tried to tell myself he didn't mean it (he did later apologise) and I somehow found the strength to ignore it and cuddled him. Is that what I should do? Its not just me, he will do this with his mum as well and he adores us both, so I know deep down he does not mean to.

This seems like a strange question, but I'll ask anyway. Is it common for adults with autism to lose interest in sex or have low sex drives? He does not like sex frequently, and in particular right now. In the first few months of our relationship we did it once maybe twice a month. However, we haven't had sex for over 5 months now, and I do believe other factors are involved, such  as stress, but generally speaking a man his age, should have a healthy sex drive or some interest. It doesn't bother me how often we do it (i'm really a bit of a prude anyway) but him not wanting it makes me feel really bad about myself. if I knew it was a common trait autism, I would feel better rather than blaming myself.

Sorry for the lengthy questions but I'm feeling like a useless girlfriend right now.

Thanks

Parents

  • I’m having the exact same experience I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 23. I’ve only been with my boyfriend for a few months now and on our first date he did tell me he had Asperger Syndrome. I didn’t really understand what that meant so I googled it a lot so I could understand him better. He told me that I was the first person to ever make an effort and try and understand him. 

    We’ve had many arguments about silly stuff especially when I say no to something he will react like I’ve ripped his world apart. He will wind himself up so much that he will say really hurtful things like I don’t want to be around you or see your face, just because I say no to driving him somewhere or to buying him some food (especially when I’m low on money for that month which I explain to him). 

    I feel as if I am bending over backwards to support him and I receive no support back. He won’t even give me a hug or hold my hand when I’m physically balling my eyes out in front of him. I’ve spoken to him many times about if I’m learning to understand him he needs to also learn to understand me. But it always ends up with me apologising when I’ve not done anything. 

    Its weird because he is friends with this girl and he can be supportive of her like pick her up when she needs it, will be pleasant to her and listen to her etc. But I needed to be picked up one time which I’d arranged with him and he cancelled on me because he had an argument with his mum and ‘didn’t want to see anyone’. Is there a reason he is more pleasant with this girl or is it just an act in front of her? And I receive the harsh reality?

  • in reply to NAS39228

    Thank you so much for the reply! Our situations sound so similar, and although I'm sorry you're struggling with it I am happy that I am not alone in this. Even tonight he has said hurtful things to me. He had been driving for over 2 hours (and this stresses him out) so when I was on the phone he shouted at me that he did not want to talk to me, even though I was only calmly reassuring him. A few weeks ago like I mentioned he said he did not want to look at me, which I found really hurtful but I try my best to remember he doesn't mean it because within a few hours he can be ok again and generally loving.

    I totally understand not having that support back, its something I really struggle with. I 've had a hard past year, and often when I cry (because its frequent because of some of the stress I'm under) he actually gets annoyed saying he doesn't need that, which only makes me even more upset than I was. I think I'll just have to talk about how that makes me feel and be more explicit for what I want him to do when I cry or get upset.

    It always seems to be me apologising too. I always end up saying sorry for making him angry when I did not provoke it in the first place. I always hope he'll realise that he was wrong for saying things that may have hurt me and apologise but I think he doesn't realise with that lack of empathy that it has hurt me.

    Its funny you should mention his friend. My boyfriend has female friends and whenever he message them (he doesn't see them because they live far away) he'll always pick them up, call them beautiful and say nice things (he's not cheating or anything, I do know for fact they are his friends). But it just upsets me because he rarely calls me beautiful anymore and its like he said that he takes any anger out  on the people closest to him, and I've seen him do it to his mum too and I know he adores her.

    The best way I could describe is that I feel like he doesn't quite know how to have a girlfriend. Would you say the same about your boyfriend? I think I may get some books or something because there are some books out there for people dating people on the autistic spectrum.

  • in reply to NAS39212

    It’s so nice to hear that someone is experiencing the same and similar things! 

    The same thing happened to me tonight my boyfriend said some really hurtful things, I’ve been helping him look for a place to move into (I’ve literally done all the work and arranged/ driven him to view the places) and he still had a go at me saying that I didn’t want to help him etc. I stood up for myself and explained to him that he can’t say things like that and I think he kind of understood. 

    I’ve been very stressed too and get the exact same response if I’m upset or crying he will sometimes say I’m overreacting and that he can’t deal with me. When in reality all I need him to do is hug me and listen to what I need to say. But I’ve now explained that to him that If I am crying or upset I need him to hug me and listen and just comfort me, not walk away or get annoyed at me. 

    I’m glad you mentioned about the friend thing it’s so frustrating that they get the charming side of our boyfriends! It started to concern me because he is always so nice to her and even defends her when she’s been and continues to be quite unfriendly towards me, but he always tells me that they are friends only and I do believe him. 

    I would say it’s 50/50 like he doesn’t know how to have girlfriend, because he’s told me how he’s treated pass girlfriends and it sounds great. However I know from his pass relationships and from what I’ve gathered they’ve ended because they’ve cheated on him for the lack of empathy he can give them. I know I would never ever cheat but it’s a worry if that is how his pass relationships have ended. 

    I wish there was some easy guide to understand everything!

  • in reply to NAS39228

    Hi all, i found this page as i am also trying to deal witn these issues, my husband of 7 years, been together 21.Has just today been to the gp to ask about referal for autism assessment. We have four children, two of whom as autistic, and im finding the same issues as posted above, i have over the year been very alone, depresed and very stressed over the way he acts, we cant communicate as he finds this very difficult  we also have issues regarding no emotional support over the years. We are now both attending marriage guidance to help with these issues  but i have come to the realisation, its me that needs to change my expectations and what i need, as he probably will never be able to provide what i need.   Sorry to hijack your post, but i just wanted to say hi and and this all sounds very similar to my life x

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  • in reply to NAS39228

    Hi all, i found this page as i am also trying to deal witn these issues, my husband of 7 years, been together 21.Has just today been to the gp to ask about referal for autism assessment. We have four children, two of whom as autistic, and im finding the same issues as posted above, i have over the year been very alone, depresed and very stressed over the way he acts, we cant communicate as he finds this very difficult  we also have issues regarding no emotional support over the years. We are now both attending marriage guidance to help with these issues  but i have come to the realisation, its me that needs to change my expectations and what i need, as he probably will never be able to provide what i need.   Sorry to hijack your post, but i just wanted to say hi and and this all sounds very similar to my life x

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