Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I'm nearly 22 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He got diagnosed with autism only last year, just a couple months into me seeing him. He asked me if it put me off him, and of course it didn't even cross my mind, it did not bother me at all, even though I knew it would be a challenge at times. He has high-functioning autism, which means compared to other forms of autism, he function very well, and sometimes you would not even know until you got to know him. But I have come on this site because although I have managed very well over the past year, I feel like I need some support because sometimes I cannot always distinguish what is his autism or what is his being selfish, etc.
His autism makes him prone to overthinking a lot of things, this happens so frequently and he can get angry or upset about things anyone else wouldn't because its as though he jumps to too many conclusions and always thinks 'what if..'. When he gets like this, he will calm down with a little time, and often I found giving hugs, head rubs, and general attention makes him relax. Does anyone experience this or know how to help?
Sometimes I really really struggle with his lack of empathy. I try to understand but it just really hurts me sometimes that I will practically bend over backwards to make him feel better so often, but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel emotionally drained and I cry because he does not give me nearly as much attention as I give to him. It just feels hurtful sometimes, even if he doesn't mean it but I don't know how to say this to him without him getting defensive. How can I cope with this lack of empathy? Do I just have to continually remind myself that he doesn't mean it? I think that's something I am learning, its just difficult. A couple of weeks ago when he was in an extremely stresses state he said that he didn't want to look at me, and although I wanted to cry, I tried to tell myself he didn't mean it (he did later apologise) and I somehow found the strength to ignore it and cuddled him. Is that what I should do? Its not just me, he will do this with his mum as well and he adores us both, so I know deep down he does not mean to.
This seems like a strange question, but I'll ask anyway. Is it common for adults with autism to lose interest in sex or have low sex drives? He does not like sex frequently, and in particular right now. In the first few months of our relationship we did it once maybe twice a month. However, we haven't had sex for over 5 months now, and I do believe other factors are involved, such as stress, but generally speaking a man his age, should have a healthy sex drive or some interest. It doesn't bother me how often we do it (i'm really a bit of a prude anyway) but him not wanting it makes me feel really bad about myself. if I knew it was a common trait autism, I would feel better rather than blaming myself.
Sorry for the lengthy questions but I'm feeling like a useless girlfriend right now.
Thanks
It might be worth mentioning, in addition to Troglodyte's comments about not knowing how we (or others) feel, that this can make emotions really overwhelming. I am very uncomfortable with extremes of emotion, mine or other people's. If I am in the presence of someone who is very emotional, I really don't know what to do. I find it frightening, and get very anxious. My most common reaction is to remove myself physically (preferably) or mentally from the situation. If forced to remain, I will often end up tears myself, which people think is because I am upset that the other person is upset. It's not, it's because I am completely overwhelmed by the situation.
I wonder if it might be worth asking your boyfriend how having you lying next to him crying makes him feel? I know that what you most want is for him to understand how you feel, but you may get an answer along the lines of he is paralysed by not knowing what on earth to do in this situation. He can't even begin to think about what a reasonable response might be, if he can't get past the anxiety of knowing this is a "bad situation" and having no idea what to do about it.
My boyfriend (I am female, he is not autistic, for info!) sometimes goes into a huge sulk about something and will then just stomp around the house looking depressed for ages afterwards. I have no idea what the appropriate response to this should be, so I do nothing. Sometimes I leave the room. Maybe he thinks I should sympathise, or feel bad because he is upset, I don't know. Part of me thinks that a 30-something guy sulking like a 5 year old deserves to be ignored anyway, but most of it is that I really have no idea what to do, and that makes me very uncomfortable. I probably look stand-off-ish to anyone else when I do this.
I guess what I am trying to say is that at some point when you are not feeling terrible or in an emotional state about something, it could be really good to ask him how those things make him feel. Very important that the question is not emotionally loaded, so he knows there is no right or wrong answer, just that you really want to understand.
As for the sex question, there is evidence that there is a higher percentage of people who are asexual amongst autistics. This means they do not experience sexual attraction to any gender. Hugging and intimacy fine, but the interest in sex is not there. This may be the case for your boyfriend, in which case don't blame yourself. It may be that he is simply not attracted to anyone in that way, rather than that he doesn't find you attractive, if that makes sense!
Best of luck, and for what it's worth, you don't sound like a rubbish girlfriend to me. You sound like someone who is making a big effort to understand the guy who is so important to you.
Since I only got diagnosed last year, I'm still fairly new to this, but I came to the realisation that I can be a right insensitive berk at times, and well over sensitive at others. And it is a problem with me and not the world's fault.
This does contrast with my political stance expressed elsewhere, but since my society seems now to be structured to give power to those who complain the most about "injustice" and expect the society to bend over backwards to cater for their minority interests, then that's the way that game is played..
In common with many Autists I've had a lot of people try to "fix" me or "teach me a lesson" over the years, and after over a half century of that ***, I'm not prepared to put up with it IN MY OWN HOME for a period longer than about 3 milliseconds.
I think that's a big part of why we have difficulty in relationships, we expect to be able to "drop the mask" at home and when we do we do not appear to be so nice or quick to be "false". On the other hand when I am supportive at least it is REAL.
I completely lost the love for my own partner in amongst all the stupid arguments and stresses, and found myself to be in a co-dependent relationship. (Which is supposed to be a bad thing, but at least if we depend on each other, there is something to build on).
Post diagnosis, I have been extremely tempted to leave, as with a different partner who supports me in overcoming the criticaI weakness I have applying for jobs, I could once again earn decent money, but OTOH she stuck with me (mostly) through 19 really bad years, about 13 of which I was living under her roof. I've decided to take an aggressive attitude towards obtaining both happiness and contentment for both myself and her from now on. I may not have the instincts some N.T's have for handling others, and "making them happy" but I do have an awful lot of book learning on the subject, and the first objective was to tolerate & participate in less stupid arguments. It's easy to shut down the arguments that arise from my Autism now, by asking "what's the point of punishing me for the way I am wired?
But, I feel it needs to be balanced by (now I know) me making an effort to do some of the stuff that doesn't come naturally to me as well. I am getting better at calling in when I am running late, better at doing more of what is expected of me.
But best of all, when I can feel myself starting to "sperg out" I can tell people what is happening, and call for a pause in my participation. Anyone who's seen me lose my *** before, seem to prefer to give me a bit of time to get myself straight, rather than experience it again. I now realise I can be in the middle of a foul mood before I've realised it. I long ago realised that emotions (either my own or other people's) are overwhelming ONLY IF I FEEL PERSONALLY INVOLVED and I've been self medicating for some forty+ years with a drug that provides some "detachment from reality" which is enormously helpful in stopping me from losing my stuff over the little things. I've also cultivated an ALL-IN attitude to conflict where I absolutely will use any tool or trick to win, and consequently I avoid conflict as much as possible.
One guy literally killed himself with the effort of trying to beat me & several others look pretty broken at this point in time, (no one expect me to win, I don't look strong!) and whilst I don't spare those people any consideration, (If you come at me, what happens next is your own fault!) I'd rather not have to destroy any more eejits, if I can find ways to ward off any new emerging conflicts.
The same goes with my social relationships, Now I know how I appear to others, I can modify my behaviour more to fit in with their expectations, and if it isn't enough, I can elect to leave the relationship before the unpleasant forced ending comes.
Knowledge really IS power. Power to do good or evil.
OF course the villain in many movies is often very Autistic. Brilliant but pissed off with the endless rejection or maltreatment from his peers he sets out to "conquer the world" or some other such tosh. In reality the story is more like that of Raoul Moat, who sought medical support for his issues, was prescribed the killer drug Prozac (which in my experience, removes one's ability to be "reasonable" in ones thinking and removes any urge towards self-control in specific areas) and went and "handed some out for a change".
That sort of thinking NEVER GOES WELL.
In a nutshell, Autism sucks a lot of the "niceness" out of the life experience if you let it, which further compromises ones ability to sustain relationships. As a high functioning and reasonably powerful Autist, I find that part of the condition unacceptable, and I've been fighting it without knowing exactly what I was fighting for many decades. That each relationship I have had has been longer than the last, I take as an indication that I am winning that fight at last.
I have very little empathy or people reading skills of course, but I do have Christian teachings and the example of Jesus Christ to fall back on, and am successfully IN the world, even if I am not OF the world as a result. The "Golden Rule" is INVALUABLE to us Autists, I can tell you. I personally believe it's why I am high functioning and not completely dysfunctional.