Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I'm nearly 22 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He got diagnosed with autism only last year, just a couple months into me seeing him. He asked me if it put me off him, and of course it didn't even cross my mind, it did not bother me at all, even though I knew it would be a challenge at times. He has high-functioning autism, which means compared to other forms of autism, he function very well, and sometimes you would not even know until you got to know him. But I have come on this site because although I have managed very well over the past year, I feel like I need some support because sometimes I cannot always distinguish what is his autism or what is his being selfish, etc.
His autism makes him prone to overthinking a lot of things, this happens so frequently and he can get angry or upset about things anyone else wouldn't because its as though he jumps to too many conclusions and always thinks 'what if..'. When he gets like this, he will calm down with a little time, and often I found giving hugs, head rubs, and general attention makes him relax. Does anyone experience this or know how to help?
Sometimes I really really struggle with his lack of empathy. I try to understand but it just really hurts me sometimes that I will practically bend over backwards to make him feel better so often, but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel emotionally drained and I cry because he does not give me nearly as much attention as I give to him. It just feels hurtful sometimes, even if he doesn't mean it but I don't know how to say this to him without him getting defensive. How can I cope with this lack of empathy? Do I just have to continually remind myself that he doesn't mean it? I think that's something I am learning, its just difficult. A couple of weeks ago when he was in an extremely stresses state he said that he didn't want to look at me, and although I wanted to cry, I tried to tell myself he didn't mean it (he did later apologise) and I somehow found the strength to ignore it and cuddled him. Is that what I should do? Its not just me, he will do this with his mum as well and he adores us both, so I know deep down he does not mean to.
This seems like a strange question, but I'll ask anyway. Is it common for adults with autism to lose interest in sex or have low sex drives? He does not like sex frequently, and in particular right now. In the first few months of our relationship we did it once maybe twice a month. However, we haven't had sex for over 5 months now, and I do believe other factors are involved, such as stress, but generally speaking a man his age, should have a healthy sex drive or some interest. It doesn't bother me how often we do it (i'm really a bit of a prude anyway) but him not wanting it makes me feel really bad about myself. if I knew it was a common trait autism, I would feel better rather than blaming myself.
Sorry for the lengthy questions but I'm feeling like a useless girlfriend right now.
Thanks
NAS39212 said:Its just strange because he loves physical contact. He loves tickles, cuddles and always prefers sleeping next to me, and loves hugs, and often kisses.
That's not strange (in the way you meant it).
Read your words back to yourself.
Do they describe a mother?
You could perhaps ask him what he thinks (notice I didn't say "feels") when he sees you crying.
[Look up "Alexithymia", see if that might apply in your relationship].
One possible answer might be that he finds emotional displays overwhelming and just doesn't know what to do, but is scared of getting things wrong. Again.
Thanks for the reply and advice! Its just strange because he loves physical contact. He loves tickles, cuddles and always prefers sleeping next to me, and loves hugs, and often kisses. When he got diagnosed with autism he did get told that sex was very much on his terms. So when he has wanted it, its something that he needs basically, and when he doesn't theres no changing that. I will have to talk to him again just about how I'm feeling, so thanks
Ok, thank you for the good advice. Yes, I think I will be more explicit and say something like ' when I cry, I would really like it if you gave me a hug.' I think until this point I didn't quite know how his lack of empathy worked, so I didn't really realise that when I cried he didn't understand or couldn't put himself in my shoes.
Thank you so much for the reply! Our situations sound so similar, and although I'm sorry you're struggling with it I am happy that I am not alone in this. Even tonight he has said hurtful things to me. He had been driving for over 2 hours (and this stresses him out) so when I was on the phone he shouted at me that he did not want to talk to me, even though I was only calmly reassuring him. A few weeks ago like I mentioned he said he did not want to look at me, which I found really hurtful but I try my best to remember he doesn't mean it because within a few hours he can be ok again and generally loving.
I totally understand not having that support back, its something I really struggle with. I 've had a hard past year, and often when I cry (because its frequent because of some of the stress I'm under) he actually gets annoyed saying he doesn't need that, which only makes me even more upset than I was. I think I'll just have to talk about how that makes me feel and be more explicit for what I want him to do when I cry or get upset.
It always seems to be me apologising too. I always end up saying sorry for making him angry when I did not provoke it in the first place. I always hope he'll realise that he was wrong for saying things that may have hurt me and apologise but I think he doesn't realise with that lack of empathy that it has hurt me.
Its funny you should mention his friend. My boyfriend has female friends and whenever he message them (he doesn't see them because they live far away) he'll always pick them up, call them beautiful and say nice things (he's not cheating or anything, I do know for fact they are his friends). But it just upsets me because he rarely calls me beautiful anymore and its like he said that he takes any anger out on the people closest to him, and I've seen him do it to his mum too and I know he adores her.
The best way I could describe is that I feel like he doesn't quite know how to have a girlfriend. Would you say the same about your boyfriend? I think I may get some books or something because there are some books out there for people dating people on the autistic spectrum.
I’m having the exact same experience I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 23. I’ve only been with my boyfriend for a few months now and on our first date he did tell me he had Asperger Syndrome. I didn’t really understand what that meant so I googled it a lot so I could understand him better. He told me that I was the first person to ever make an effort and try and understand him.
We’ve had many arguments about silly stuff especially when I say no to something he will react like I’ve ripped his world apart. He will wind himself up so much that he will say really hurtful things like I don’t want to be around you or see your face, just because I say no to driving him somewhere or to buying him some food (especially when I’m low on money for that month which I explain to him).
I feel as if I am bending over backwards to support him and I receive no support back. He won’t even give me a hug or hold my hand when I’m physically balling my eyes out in front of him. I’ve spoken to him many times about if I’m learning to understand him he needs to also learn to understand me. But it always ends up with me apologising when I’ve not done anything.
Its weird because he is friends with this girl and he can be supportive of her like pick her up when she needs it, will be pleasant to her and listen to her etc. But I needed to be picked up one time which I’d arranged with him and he cancelled on me because he had an argument with his mum and ‘didn’t want to see anyone’. Is there a reason he is more pleasant with this girl or is it just an act in front of her? And I receive the harsh reality?
NAS39212 said:but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything.
This might be because:
a) He doesn't know what you want from him in this situation (hint: tell him explicitly; he may find it difficult to imagine it for himself).
or
b) He's treating you the way he would want to be treated when he's upset. Maybe watch programmes/films together where one character is upset and the other one offers some sort of support? You might need to bring up the scene in conversation to get him to reflect on it, and mentally file it away as one of several potential responses when someone needs support?
im 53 and haven't had any physical contact with a woman for nearly 15 years i don't miss it one bit though i know at my age its not surprising but when i was younger it wasn't much of a priority as i find any form of physical contact uncomfortable and sex is about the most intimate you can get with another person people with autism can seem very distant and not emotionally connected and for N.Ts i imagine they find it challenging not to have the emotional support they would normally expect from their partner i can assure you what you're going through is very common with people who are autistic it's not personal it's just we are often unaware of other peoples needs and emotions that's not too say we don't have emotions i have some very emotional feelings its just we don't always sense other peoples i am no expert im sure there are others who may have better advice but mine would be talk to your boyfriend tell him what you're feeling it may help him to understand your needs better