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What should you expect from an autistic boyfriend?

NAS39212

Hi all,

I'm nearly 22 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He got diagnosed with autism only last year, just a couple months into me seeing him. He asked me if it put me off him, and of course it didn't even cross my mind, it did not bother me at all, even though I knew it would be a challenge at times. He has high-functioning autism, which means compared to other forms of autism, he function very well, and sometimes you would not even know until you got to know him. But I have come on this site because although I have managed very well over the past year, I feel like I need some support because sometimes I cannot always distinguish what is his autism or what is his being selfish, etc.

His autism makes him prone to overthinking a lot of things, this happens so frequently and he can get angry or upset about things anyone else wouldn't because its as though he jumps to too many conclusions and always thinks 'what if..'. When he gets like this, he will calm down with a little time, and often I found giving hugs, head rubs, and general attention makes him relax. Does anyone experience this or know how to help?

Sometimes I really really struggle with his lack of empathy. I try to understand but it just really hurts me sometimes that I will practically bend over backwards to make him feel better so often, but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel emotionally drained and I cry because he does not give me nearly as much attention as I give to him. It just feels hurtful sometimes, even if he doesn't mean it but I don't know how to say this to him without him getting defensive. How can I cope with this lack of empathy? Do I just have to continually remind myself that he doesn't mean it? I think that's something I am learning, its just difficult. A couple of weeks ago when he was in an extremely stresses state he said that he didn't want to look at me, and although I wanted to cry, I tried to tell myself he didn't mean it (he did later apologise) and I somehow found the strength to ignore it and cuddled him. Is that what I should do? Its not just me, he will do this with his mum as well and he adores us both, so I know deep down he does not mean to.

This seems like a strange question, but I'll ask anyway. Is it common for adults with autism to lose interest in sex or have low sex drives? He does not like sex frequently, and in particular right now. In the first few months of our relationship we did it once maybe twice a month. However, we haven't had sex for over 5 months now, and I do believe other factors are involved, such  as stress, but generally speaking a man his age, should have a healthy sex drive or some interest. It doesn't bother me how often we do it (i'm really a bit of a prude anyway) but him not wanting it makes me feel really bad about myself. if I knew it was a common trait autism, I would feel better rather than blaming myself.

Sorry for the lengthy questions but I'm feeling like a useless girlfriend right now.

Thanks

Parents

  • im 53 and haven't had any physical contact with a woman for nearly 15 years i don't miss it one bit though i know at my age its not surprising but when i was younger it wasn't much of a priority as i find any form of physical contact uncomfortable and sex is about the most intimate you can get with another person people with autism can seem very distant and not emotionally connected and for N.Ts i imagine they find it challenging not to have the emotional support they would normally expect from their partner i can assure you what you're going through is very common with people who are autistic it's not personal it's just we are often unaware of other peoples needs and emotions that's not too say we don't have emotions i have some very emotional feelings its just we don't always sense other peoples i am no expert im sure there are others who may have better advice but mine would be talk to your boyfriend tell him what you're feeling it may help him to understand your needs better

  • in reply to Giddy

    Thanks for the reply and advice! Its just strange because he loves physical contact. He loves tickles, cuddles and always prefers sleeping next to me, and loves hugs, and often kisses. When he got diagnosed with autism he did get told that sex was very much on his terms. So when he has wanted it, its something that he needs basically, and when he doesn't theres no changing that. I will have to talk to him again just about how I'm feeling, so thanks

  • in reply to NAS39212
    NAS39212 said:
    Its just strange because he loves physical contact. He loves tickles, cuddles and always prefers sleeping next to me, and loves hugs, and often kisses.

    That's not strange (in the way you meant it). 

    Read your words back to yourself.

    Do they describe a mother?

  • in reply to ) (

    I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

  • in reply to ) (

    I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

  • in reply to DongFeng5

    Bit odd to say that to someone having sex with the guy, made my cringe.

    No offence to you but your comment reads very oddly. 

  • in reply to ) (

    Just had to say thank you Trogluddite for your reply,, and I hope you don’t mind me pasting it up here for the two women looking for some guidance to read.

    it really explains a great deal of what a lot of men go through.

     An insight to how some of us function. Yes we are all different,, but the most important thing in my mind is communication, don’t just accept and try to cope, dialogue is very important, 

    And the comment “ don’t ever forget a relationship must be satisfying for both partners.”

    Dont end up just being his carer or his mother. 

    Many thanks Trogluddite...aspie hug ()

Reply
  • in reply to ) (

    Just had to say thank you Trogluddite for your reply,, and I hope you don’t mind me pasting it up here for the two women looking for some guidance to read.

    it really explains a great deal of what a lot of men go through.

     An insight to how some of us function. Yes we are all different,, but the most important thing in my mind is communication, don’t just accept and try to cope, dialogue is very important, 

    And the comment “ don’t ever forget a relationship must be satisfying for both partners.”

    Dont end up just being his carer or his mother. 

    Many thanks Trogluddite...aspie hug ()

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