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What should you expect from an autistic boyfriend?

NAS39212

Hi all,

I'm nearly 22 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He got diagnosed with autism only last year, just a couple months into me seeing him. He asked me if it put me off him, and of course it didn't even cross my mind, it did not bother me at all, even though I knew it would be a challenge at times. He has high-functioning autism, which means compared to other forms of autism, he function very well, and sometimes you would not even know until you got to know him. But I have come on this site because although I have managed very well over the past year, I feel like I need some support because sometimes I cannot always distinguish what is his autism or what is his being selfish, etc.

His autism makes him prone to overthinking a lot of things, this happens so frequently and he can get angry or upset about things anyone else wouldn't because its as though he jumps to too many conclusions and always thinks 'what if..'. When he gets like this, he will calm down with a little time, and often I found giving hugs, head rubs, and general attention makes him relax. Does anyone experience this or know how to help?

Sometimes I really really struggle with his lack of empathy. I try to understand but it just really hurts me sometimes that I will practically bend over backwards to make him feel better so often, but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel emotionally drained and I cry because he does not give me nearly as much attention as I give to him. It just feels hurtful sometimes, even if he doesn't mean it but I don't know how to say this to him without him getting defensive. How can I cope with this lack of empathy? Do I just have to continually remind myself that he doesn't mean it? I think that's something I am learning, its just difficult. A couple of weeks ago when he was in an extremely stresses state he said that he didn't want to look at me, and although I wanted to cry, I tried to tell myself he didn't mean it (he did later apologise) and I somehow found the strength to ignore it and cuddled him. Is that what I should do? Its not just me, he will do this with his mum as well and he adores us both, so I know deep down he does not mean to.

This seems like a strange question, but I'll ask anyway. Is it common for adults with autism to lose interest in sex or have low sex drives? He does not like sex frequently, and in particular right now. In the first few months of our relationship we did it once maybe twice a month. However, we haven't had sex for over 5 months now, and I do believe other factors are involved, such  as stress, but generally speaking a man his age, should have a healthy sex drive or some interest. It doesn't bother me how often we do it (i'm really a bit of a prude anyway) but him not wanting it makes me feel really bad about myself. if I knew it was a common trait autism, I would feel better rather than blaming myself.

Sorry for the lengthy questions but I'm feeling like a useless girlfriend right now.

Thanks

Parents
  • NAS39212 said:
    but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything.

    This might be because:

    a) He doesn't know what you want from him in this situation (hint: tell him explicitly; he may find it difficult to imagine it for himself).

    or

    b) He's treating you the way he would want to be treated when he's upset. Maybe watch programmes/films together where one character is upset and the other one offers some sort of support? You might need to bring up the scene in conversation to get him to reflect on it, and mentally file it away as one of several potential responses when someone needs support?

  • in reply to DongFeng5

    Ok, thank you for the good advice. Yes, I think I will be more explicit and say something like ' when I cry, I would really like it if you gave me a hug.' I think until this point I didn't quite know how his lack of empathy worked, so I didn't really realise that when I cried he didn't understand or couldn't put himself in my shoes.

  • in reply to NAS39212

    You could perhaps ask him what he thinks (notice I didn't say "feels") when he sees you crying. 

    [Look up "Alexithymia", see if that might apply in your relationship].

    One possible answer might be that he finds emotional displays overwhelming and just doesn't know what to do, but is scared of getting things wrong. Again. 

Reply
  • in reply to NAS39212

    You could perhaps ask him what he thinks (notice I didn't say "feels") when he sees you crying. 

    [Look up "Alexithymia", see if that might apply in your relationship].

    One possible answer might be that he finds emotional displays overwhelming and just doesn't know what to do, but is scared of getting things wrong. Again. 

Children
  • in reply to NAS39212

    I can confirm all of the above to be true. We had awful relationship problems until I got my diagnosis. I've often been accused of "not caring" about people, whereas the reality, is that I don't respond "properly". Worse I'm on the ADD end of the spectrum so I get distracted and forgetful unless I'm fixated. This clearly comes across as I only care about my own stuff, I.E. selfishness, when that is not what is in my heart. I've developed P.D.A. at some point, so the more an NT tries to bully me into acting as you expect, the more I shut down.

    Most of N.T. activity seems to involve putting pressure on other people to get what they want, with many unspoken rules about how far and when they can push an issue and how much dishonesty is acceptable with different people. We autists tend to ask for what we want plainly and straightforwardly which simply does not work because we are seen as not playing by the rules...

    The trouble with the "nicer" N.T. people is that it is almost always a "mask" and we don't see through it at first and then when we do, it always comes as a horrible shock, just as it is a horrible shock for an N.T. partner to realise they have fallen in love with an Autist.

    What we do have going for us however, (which often gets overlooked) is usually above average problem solving skills, a "purity of being" or intrinsic honesty that those who are steeped in NT bullshit can never hope to achieve, which my friends do seem to value, and the ability to give love simply and wholeheartedly, which my cats over the years certainly appreciate and occasionally an NT notices. I personally would LIKE to be a nicer person, being more giving and supportive, except that on the majority of times I attempt that it seems to be taken as "weakness" by the NT's and treated appropriately according to their lights..

    It's why I prefer to interact with cats and machines. 

  • in reply to DongFeng5

    Yeah thanks. He has said before that he doesn't really know what to do and he has said before that it makes him feel sad, I think he just doesn't know what to do in that situation.