Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I'm nearly 22 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He got diagnosed with autism only last year, just a couple months into me seeing him. He asked me if it put me off him, and of course it didn't even cross my mind, it did not bother me at all, even though I knew it would be a challenge at times. He has high-functioning autism, which means compared to other forms of autism, he function very well, and sometimes you would not even know until you got to know him. But I have come on this site because although I have managed very well over the past year, I feel like I need some support because sometimes I cannot always distinguish what is his autism or what is his being selfish, etc.
His autism makes him prone to overthinking a lot of things, this happens so frequently and he can get angry or upset about things anyone else wouldn't because its as though he jumps to too many conclusions and always thinks 'what if..'. When he gets like this, he will calm down with a little time, and often I found giving hugs, head rubs, and general attention makes him relax. Does anyone experience this or know how to help?
Sometimes I really really struggle with his lack of empathy. I try to understand but it just really hurts me sometimes that I will practically bend over backwards to make him feel better so often, but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel emotionally drained and I cry because he does not give me nearly as much attention as I give to him. It just feels hurtful sometimes, even if he doesn't mean it but I don't know how to say this to him without him getting defensive. How can I cope with this lack of empathy? Do I just have to continually remind myself that he doesn't mean it? I think that's something I am learning, its just difficult. A couple of weeks ago when he was in an extremely stresses state he said that he didn't want to look at me, and although I wanted to cry, I tried to tell myself he didn't mean it (he did later apologise) and I somehow found the strength to ignore it and cuddled him. Is that what I should do? Its not just me, he will do this with his mum as well and he adores us both, so I know deep down he does not mean to.
This seems like a strange question, but I'll ask anyway. Is it common for adults with autism to lose interest in sex or have low sex drives? He does not like sex frequently, and in particular right now. In the first few months of our relationship we did it once maybe twice a month. However, we haven't had sex for over 5 months now, and I do believe other factors are involved, such as stress, but generally speaking a man his age, should have a healthy sex drive or some interest. It doesn't bother me how often we do it (i'm really a bit of a prude anyway) but him not wanting it makes me feel really bad about myself. if I knew it was a common trait autism, I would feel better rather than blaming myself.
Sorry for the lengthy questions but I'm feeling like a useless girlfriend right now.
Thanks
First of all, you don't sound like a useless girlfriend, you sound like an incredibly supportive girlfriend. Most would leave, you've not only stuck around but you've come here to find ways to help him, you're a diamond, it sounds like.
With regards his worrying, it may be related to autism but it may also be related to OCD (I believe there's a lot of crossover) which I personally suffer from, and while it's under control now, at it's worst it's incredibly debilitating. It sounds like if he's asking these sorts of questions regularly, seeking reassurance over seemingly illogical concerns, he might also suffer from OCD. It sounds very similar to what I used to do, early on, and I needed reassurance all the time, too.
As for the lack of empathy, it's common, and while it may seem like he doesn't care I can tell you that in my most recent relationship I cared deeply, I just didn't know how to express it or how to broach certain subjects, and it drove me crazy trying to work out the best way of doing so. In the end, I never did work it out so I'm sure she just thought I didn't care, it makes me really sad to think about tbh so I try not to. I'd hazard a guess his difficulty in communicating is just as frustrating for him as mine was, for me.
As for the sex thing, I've come to realise that I have a lower sex drive than most, and it does seem to be another thing common among those with autism. Having said that, where I was always satisfied after one time my ex was, imo, a nymphomaniac and very demanding, and though with my lower sex drive I found it very challenging I did end up able to go up to four or five times a day, in the end, so I'd say you can probably train him up in that regard :p
Oh but on that note if he is on medication that stuff can severely limit your sex drive, too, something to keep in mind if he takes any in future although there will likely be ways to remedy that if it's one of the side effects.
Please don't let it make you feel bad about yourself, I am sure he treasures you and I realise it's difficult having a relationship with someone with this condition but you really do sound like an incredibly supportive, loving partner to him and even if he can't express that to you himself I'm sure he'll recognise and appreciate that, even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it.
I hope this helps in some way :)