What should you expect from an autistic boyfriend?

Hi all,

I'm nearly 22 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He got diagnosed with autism only last year, just a couple months into me seeing him. He asked me if it put me off him, and of course it didn't even cross my mind, it did not bother me at all, even though I knew it would be a challenge at times. He has high-functioning autism, which means compared to other forms of autism, he function very well, and sometimes you would not even know until you got to know him. But I have come on this site because although I have managed very well over the past year, I feel like I need some support because sometimes I cannot always distinguish what is his autism or what is his being selfish, etc.

His autism makes him prone to overthinking a lot of things, this happens so frequently and he can get angry or upset about things anyone else wouldn't because its as though he jumps to too many conclusions and always thinks 'what if..'. When he gets like this, he will calm down with a little time, and often I found giving hugs, head rubs, and general attention makes him relax. Does anyone experience this or know how to help?

Sometimes I really really struggle with his lack of empathy. I try to understand but it just really hurts me sometimes that I will practically bend over backwards to make him feel better so often, but I can lay next to him crying and he barely does anything. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel emotionally drained and I cry because he does not give me nearly as much attention as I give to him. It just feels hurtful sometimes, even if he doesn't mean it but I don't know how to say this to him without him getting defensive. How can I cope with this lack of empathy? Do I just have to continually remind myself that he doesn't mean it? I think that's something I am learning, its just difficult. A couple of weeks ago when he was in an extremely stresses state he said that he didn't want to look at me, and although I wanted to cry, I tried to tell myself he didn't mean it (he did later apologise) and I somehow found the strength to ignore it and cuddled him. Is that what I should do? Its not just me, he will do this with his mum as well and he adores us both, so I know deep down he does not mean to.

This seems like a strange question, but I'll ask anyway. Is it common for adults with autism to lose interest in sex or have low sex drives? He does not like sex frequently, and in particular right now. In the first few months of our relationship we did it once maybe twice a month. However, we haven't had sex for over 5 months now, and I do believe other factors are involved, such  as stress, but generally speaking a man his age, should have a healthy sex drive or some interest. It doesn't bother me how often we do it (i'm really a bit of a prude anyway) but him not wanting it makes me feel really bad about myself. if I knew it was a common trait autism, I would feel better rather than blaming myself.

Sorry for the lengthy questions but I'm feeling like a useless girlfriend right now.

Thanks

Parents
  • im 53 and haven't had any physical contact with a woman for nearly 15 years i don't miss it one bit though i know at my age its not surprising but when i was younger it wasn't much of a priority as i find any form of physical contact uncomfortable and sex is about the most intimate you can get with another person people with autism can seem very distant and not emotionally connected and for N.Ts i imagine they find it challenging not to have the emotional support they would normally expect from their partner i can assure you what you're going through is very common with people who are autistic it's not personal it's just we are often unaware of other peoples needs and emotions that's not too say we don't have emotions i have some very emotional feelings its just we don't always sense other peoples i am no expert im sure there are others who may have better advice but mine would be talk to your boyfriend tell him what you're feeling it may help him to understand your needs better

  • Thanks for the reply and advice! Its just strange because he loves physical contact. He loves tickles, cuddles and always prefers sleeping next to me, and loves hugs, and often kisses. When he got diagnosed with autism he did get told that sex was very much on his terms. So when he has wanted it, its something that he needs basically, and when he doesn't theres no changing that. I will have to talk to him again just about how I'm feeling, so thanks

  • Its just strange because he loves physical contact. He loves tickles, cuddles and always prefers sleeping next to me, and loves hugs, and often kisses.

    That's not strange (in the way you meant it). 

    Read your words back to yourself.

    Do they describe a mother?

  • I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

  • I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

  • Bit odd to say that to someone having sex with the guy, made my cringe.

    No offence to you but your comment reads very oddly. 

  • Just had to say thank you Trogluddite for your reply,, and I hope you don’t mind me pasting it up here for the two women looking for some guidance to read.

    it really explains a great deal of what a lot of men go through.

     An insight to how some of us function. Yes we are all different,, but the most important thing in my mind is communication, don’t just accept and try to cope, dialogue is very important, 

    And the comment “ don’t ever forget a relationship must be satisfying for both partners.”

    Dont end up just being his carer or his mother. 

    Many thanks Trogluddite...aspie hug ()

  • I do not know how to put up links to other threads but here is a recent response to a question or two about relationships,,

    Welcome to the forum.

    I'm an autistic man, and I have to be honest, pretty hopeless at relationships; you're certainly right that we can often find them "confusing"! So firstly, it's really good of you to try to find out more, and this is just the place to do that. When I think of some of the problems that I've had with relationships, there are a few things which stand out...

    • Don't assume that he knows how you feel. The trouble is that when we look at and listen to other people, their tone of voice, eye-contact and body-language don't automatically tell us very much about how the other person feels. We do care about how other people feel, but when we can't tell, it's very hard for us to know what to do or say. So, if you're in a particular mood, or have even the slightest concerns about where the relationship is going, and he doesn't seem to be reacting as you'd expect, you may need to have a chat where you make your feelings clear in very straight-forward words; hinting and flirting can very easily go straight over our heads.
    • Don't assume that he knows how he feels. Sometimes autistic people get very confused by their own emotions, especially ones that they're not used to feeling. It's not that we're all robots with no feelings, it's just that we can find emotions very hard to put a name to, or that it takes a while for them to sink in properly, so they don't show on the outside like they do for other people. So, if he says that he doesn't know how something makes him feel, don't assume that he's trying to hide something or doesn't care. Sometimes, you might have to give him a bit of time and space to let the emotions sink in, or even help him to work them out by pointing out parts of his behaviour that might give him some clues (I know it sounds weird, but people who know me well can sometimes tell what I'm feeling long before I know it myself!)
    • He may need more time alone than you expect. For an autistic person, dealing with the non-autistic world can be really hard work. It massively tires our brain out, and can even make parts of our brain just switch off (I can sometimes become unable to speak or understand other people's words, for example.) The only way to recover from this is lots of rest in a very quiet place, and we often need to completely avoid talking to people at these times. We're not trying to avoid any person in particular, just the world in general. Besides making a bit of an allowance for this, encourage him to be open with you about the things which tire his brain out. A few small adjustments to your dates etc. could make things a lot easier for him; for example, less time in places where there are crowds, or even just going home early sometimes because he's starting to struggle a bit - that's a lot better for both of you than letting it get to the point where he just has to shut down.
    • Sensory sensitivities and intimacy. This might be a delicate subject, and I don't know how old you both are, so my apologies if this isn't appropriate. The experiences of intimacy and sex can be very overwhelming for an autistic person, especially if we don't have much experience. Even gentle physical touches can be extremely intense for some of us, and might take some time for us to get used to before we can experience how pleasurable they can be. It can also mean that we have a lot harder time appreciating how things feel for our partner, or judging what kind of intimacy is or isn't appropriate (including what we're allowed to do if we're in public rather than alone.) You might find that he's reluctant to be the one who offers intimacy, and always waits for you to get things started; but this is often because of anxiety about doing the right thing, not lack of desire for our partner. You need to be sure that each of you is clear about what you do and don't like, and how much you're comfortable being cuddly with each other when you're around other people. This, of course, is true of any relationship, but again, you may need to be quite explicit rather than assuming he'll pick up on hints or flirting.
    • You can help him with his autistic traits, but you can't fixhim. The suggestions above can help him to be more comfortable in the relationship, and help him to overcome any anxiety that he has about showing his affection and talking about his feelings. However, you must accept totally that autism is a life-long condition, and it's wired into our brains. His autistic traits are something that you both have to deal with for as long as you are together. You must be honest with yourself and with him, if his autistic behaviour is making you uncomfortable or if you are feeling unfulfilled in some way. Don't just hang in there hoping that problems will just sort themselves out, talk to him very directly and honestly about them (as I said before, he may not have any other way to know if things are going wrong.)

    Autism can add extra difficulties to a relationship. Don't ever forget that a relationship must be satisfying for both partners. If you feel that his autistic behaviours leave you feeling unappreciated, unfulfilled, or even lonely, there is no shame in this; you shouldn't ever feel that you should feel guilty or suppress your genuine feelings. You must be honest and get talking about it if you feel that he is using his autism as an excuse to have everything his own way, or if he treats you more like his Mum or a cuddly-toy than as a partner (being autistic doesn't automatically make us saints!) If you ever feel that things really aren't working out, try to make a clean break, and don't feel that you must force yourself to hang around because you're part of his "autism support". However, relationships between autistic and non-autistic people can work very well if both sides learn to communicate well; I have spoken to quite a few who ended up getting married and have wonderful lives together!

    Best wishes for both of you!

  • Would you have any advice on how to address things when they are one sided with out it turning into argument? I find that some times when I try to talk to him about things I don’t think I deserve he feels like I’m attacking him which I’m not and it usually ends in him saying more hurtful things. 

    But thank you!

  • Please remember we are all different,,, we are not all the same despite the label.

    The cap fits all is not true,,,yes many do share similar traits,,, I feel unable to comment freely about intimacy, but just to let you know some of us are able to enjoy intimacy in a more “romantic” way.

    Also wanted to add to you and NAS39228, you are amazing trying to find out how best to accomadate there needs, please remember you too are allowed to have needs met, it cannot be just a one way thing. There are ways but if you carry on bending and not being yourselves then ultimately he will be mothered, he then won’t want change,,, be kind to yourselves, don’t allow things to be purely one sided, 

    take care and thank you for trying so hard to make things work.

Reply
  • Please remember we are all different,,, we are not all the same despite the label.

    The cap fits all is not true,,,yes many do share similar traits,,, I feel unable to comment freely about intimacy, but just to let you know some of us are able to enjoy intimacy in a more “romantic” way.

    Also wanted to add to you and NAS39228, you are amazing trying to find out how best to accomadate there needs, please remember you too are allowed to have needs met, it cannot be just a one way thing. There are ways but if you carry on bending and not being yourselves then ultimately he will be mothered, he then won’t want change,,, be kind to yourselves, don’t allow things to be purely one sided, 

    take care and thank you for trying so hard to make things work.

Children
  • I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

  • I appreciate you sharing this information with equal levels of concern for both individuals. This is extremely helpful for me because I have recently began dating a wonderful gentleman and I was seeking information that would help me to better understand him and show the same respect and concern he has given me. I hope our friendship flourishes!

  • Just had to say thank you Trogluddite for your reply,, and I hope you don’t mind me pasting it up here for the two women looking for some guidance to read.

    it really explains a great deal of what a lot of men go through.

     An insight to how some of us function. Yes we are all different,, but the most important thing in my mind is communication, don’t just accept and try to cope, dialogue is very important, 

    And the comment “ don’t ever forget a relationship must be satisfying for both partners.”

    Dont end up just being his carer or his mother. 

    Many thanks Trogluddite...aspie hug ()

  • I do not know how to put up links to other threads but here is a recent response to a question or two about relationships,,

    Welcome to the forum.

    I'm an autistic man, and I have to be honest, pretty hopeless at relationships; you're certainly right that we can often find them "confusing"! So firstly, it's really good of you to try to find out more, and this is just the place to do that. When I think of some of the problems that I've had with relationships, there are a few things which stand out...

    • Don't assume that he knows how you feel. The trouble is that when we look at and listen to other people, their tone of voice, eye-contact and body-language don't automatically tell us very much about how the other person feels. We do care about how other people feel, but when we can't tell, it's very hard for us to know what to do or say. So, if you're in a particular mood, or have even the slightest concerns about where the relationship is going, and he doesn't seem to be reacting as you'd expect, you may need to have a chat where you make your feelings clear in very straight-forward words; hinting and flirting can very easily go straight over our heads.
    • Don't assume that he knows how he feels. Sometimes autistic people get very confused by their own emotions, especially ones that they're not used to feeling. It's not that we're all robots with no feelings, it's just that we can find emotions very hard to put a name to, or that it takes a while for them to sink in properly, so they don't show on the outside like they do for other people. So, if he says that he doesn't know how something makes him feel, don't assume that he's trying to hide something or doesn't care. Sometimes, you might have to give him a bit of time and space to let the emotions sink in, or even help him to work them out by pointing out parts of his behaviour that might give him some clues (I know it sounds weird, but people who know me well can sometimes tell what I'm feeling long before I know it myself!)
    • He may need more time alone than you expect. For an autistic person, dealing with the non-autistic world can be really hard work. It massively tires our brain out, and can even make parts of our brain just switch off (I can sometimes become unable to speak or understand other people's words, for example.) The only way to recover from this is lots of rest in a very quiet place, and we often need to completely avoid talking to people at these times. We're not trying to avoid any person in particular, just the world in general. Besides making a bit of an allowance for this, encourage him to be open with you about the things which tire his brain out. A few small adjustments to your dates etc. could make things a lot easier for him; for example, less time in places where there are crowds, or even just going home early sometimes because he's starting to struggle a bit - that's a lot better for both of you than letting it get to the point where he just has to shut down.
    • Sensory sensitivities and intimacy. This might be a delicate subject, and I don't know how old you both are, so my apologies if this isn't appropriate. The experiences of intimacy and sex can be very overwhelming for an autistic person, especially if we don't have much experience. Even gentle physical touches can be extremely intense for some of us, and might take some time for us to get used to before we can experience how pleasurable they can be. It can also mean that we have a lot harder time appreciating how things feel for our partner, or judging what kind of intimacy is or isn't appropriate (including what we're allowed to do if we're in public rather than alone.) You might find that he's reluctant to be the one who offers intimacy, and always waits for you to get things started; but this is often because of anxiety about doing the right thing, not lack of desire for our partner. You need to be sure that each of you is clear about what you do and don't like, and how much you're comfortable being cuddly with each other when you're around other people. This, of course, is true of any relationship, but again, you may need to be quite explicit rather than assuming he'll pick up on hints or flirting.
    • You can help him with his autistic traits, but you can't fixhim. The suggestions above can help him to be more comfortable in the relationship, and help him to overcome any anxiety that he has about showing his affection and talking about his feelings. However, you must accept totally that autism is a life-long condition, and it's wired into our brains. His autistic traits are something that you both have to deal with for as long as you are together. You must be honest with yourself and with him, if his autistic behaviour is making you uncomfortable or if you are feeling unfulfilled in some way. Don't just hang in there hoping that problems will just sort themselves out, talk to him very directly and honestly about them (as I said before, he may not have any other way to know if things are going wrong.)

    Autism can add extra difficulties to a relationship. Don't ever forget that a relationship must be satisfying for both partners. If you feel that his autistic behaviours leave you feeling unappreciated, unfulfilled, or even lonely, there is no shame in this; you shouldn't ever feel that you should feel guilty or suppress your genuine feelings. You must be honest and get talking about it if you feel that he is using his autism as an excuse to have everything his own way, or if he treats you more like his Mum or a cuddly-toy than as a partner (being autistic doesn't automatically make us saints!) If you ever feel that things really aren't working out, try to make a clean break, and don't feel that you must force yourself to hang around because you're part of his "autism support". However, relationships between autistic and non-autistic people can work very well if both sides learn to communicate well; I have spoken to quite a few who ended up getting married and have wonderful lives together!

    Best wishes for both of you!

  • Would you have any advice on how to address things when they are one sided with out it turning into argument? I find that some times when I try to talk to him about things I don’t think I deserve he feels like I’m attacking him which I’m not and it usually ends in him saying more hurtful things. 

    But thank you!