Am I autistic enough

I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. I too am a mental health professional on the spectrum and I also can feel like a fraud. The funny thing is, I feel you likely have a better understanding of autism than most people, even those who diagnose, and you should trust that you are autistic. Just because you have worked hard to learn masking skills does not mean you are not affected. Simply having to mask every day is an effort that takes an emotional toll on you. Those of us who feel we may 'not look autistic enough' can pave the way for those who are looking for a diagnosis in the future! Be proud.

There are some fabrics I can't bear the feel of mostly nylon and manmade fabrics. I don't like sudden changes either, but thats probably because they're usually in response to something bad happening.

I like my routines and have been told I lack sponteneity, but I've been told that by people who expect me to drop everything to go off and do stuff with them, when I have to work, or have something I have to do. I feel almost like they've done it purpose, as either the day before or the day after I'm free and I would be fine.

Mine are predominantly social issues and lack of variety in my interests, a few sensory issues here and there, the classic ripping out clothes tags and not wearing certain materials. Also not a fan of sudden changes and prefer routine. 

I feel different to a lot of other autistic people, many of the the more known symptoms I don't have that badly, but some of the more unsual ones I seem to have by the bucket load, just the same as the side effects I get from some medications, I rarely have the common ones, but the 1 in a 1,000 or 10,000, I'll get those. 

To be honest though, diagnosis came as a huge relief, I could stop pretending, let myself be where and how I actually need to be, rather than the semi-socially conditioned automata I'd felt I had to be before.

I have posted similar things recently. It’s a bit of a double edged sword getting an autism diagnosis for some, it’s like you’ve finally been heard but also I think we ourselves don’t understand the condition as it exists within us. Some may already know themselves quite well or maybe inside out but self discovery can be a long lonely road without any immediate certainties available to quieten the inner doubts. 

CROSE88 said:

im convinced I managed to lie to and trick my assessor into giving me a diagnosis when I didn't need one. 

This quote above is also how I feel, doesn’t matter how many times I am told I shouldn’t compare myself with others. Is it that we expect autism to have a certain “feeling” should we feel autistic? Should there be some mental “awakening”? 

996 turbo. For a few years I had money by working excessively. Burnt me out, chronic stress caused problems and I see various issues with hindsight. The car became an obsessive focus that I could not let go of. In a way I wish I had not bought it. It was the only status thing I've allowed myself. I should've spent more on having somewhere nice to live, but I was struggling. I could only work, I didn't have capacity for thinking or doing much else. I thought I was doing ok and the future would never come. The years just drifted by.

It is a bit of a distraction though.

The point was hat sensory stimuli can create stress, as someone else mentioned, without you really realising.

Sorry to jump in, I still work on a couple of Imprezas, they are only around 350 bhp and scary, what was you driving at 600 bhp? 
I still drive classic cars, you really have to drive them, no power steering, no power brakes or independent suspension, after a long drive I am totally worn out. My daily car has basically stop and go pedals, all I really do is steer it, The difference in stress and physical exertion is massive.

One of the things I have been surprised about is my car.

I had a modified sports car which was fast, noisy, hard work to drive etc. that I drove every day for 21 years.

I changed it 2 months ago for something sensible, slow, quiet, hybrid, normal, cheaper.

I am less stressed and more relaxed. The change was almost immediate.

I miss the car, but I had not realised the strain it was placing on me.

You might have to spend some time (months, at least) consciously observing yourself and carrying out little A/B experiments, then you'll see. You'll eventually begin to tune into your Autistic self and just know when you've found your stressors.

My personal go-to example is grocery shopping with and without headphones. I never really noticed the noise before, or never thought it was the cause of my stress, but now it's night and day with the headphones on and off. I no longer unconsciously brace myself before going in, so I really feel keenly now what was previously some vague sense of something being wrong.

Hi and welcome to the community.

Imposter syndrome is very common in adults who discover they are on the spectrum, whether formally diagnosed or self discovered like me.

I was in my fifties when I saw a tv programme on autism featuring an autistic woman who I realised had traits very much like me, and I then found the AQ50 test online and scored 42/50, which was a big shock.

The thing is, what goes on inside our heads is "normal" to us, and after years of fitting in it can be difficult for us to accept that we really are different to most other people.

This forum helped me a lot - I saw posts by other people that I could relate to, and it helped me feel part of a community for the first time in my life. I hope it helps you.

Hey, I was diagnosed 23 years ago and it's still very fresh! That's mostly because I spent the first 22 years refusing to accept it. I didn't seek the Autism diagnosis, I thought I was ADHD only, but it turned out I was ADHD also. "No thanks, mate, I'll just take the ADHD. Besides, you're only saying I'm Autistic because you know I work in IT. Typical bloody prejudice!"

My problem was that I didn't know anything about Autism beyond Rain Man and non-speaking kids with learning difficulties. When I finally got around to educating myself (during a crisis), I finally had my "Eureka!" moment. Now I get it.

Im hoping over time I will be able to feel less like an imposter too, i've only been diagnosed this week so its all still very fresh

Stuart333 said:

I can see other people struggle but can't see issues with myself, or I justify them. I minimise my struggles, because I always have. I have developed skills to avoid problems and hide things.

This is whats confusing me the most, I can always see the traits in others and spend my whole time reassuring and supporting autistic people with their needs but when I look in the mirror I just dont see them in myself. 

Like I must have been masking for my whole life but how do you even start to take that off? Am I in denial or have I just built up such a bit wall

Do not compare yourself to other autistic people, there is a huge diversity and many will seem to be more profoundly affected than you. Compare yourself to the diagnostic criteria in the various manuals - DSM or ICD. The more you know about how autism is diagnosed the more insight you will have into your own autism.

Also, autism isn't an exclusive social club, there are sod all benefits available to the average late-diagnosed autist, so does it matter in the great scheme of things if your diagnosis is valid or not? You are also questioning the competence of the clinician or clinicians who diagnosed you, would you do the same for a dentist who advised the need for a filling? 

Stuart333 said:

I can see other people struggle but can't see issues with myself, or I justify them. I minimise my struggles, because I always have. I have developed skills to avoid problems and hide things.

Amen.

It's going to take time—years—to see through all the self-obfuscation and find the real you in there somewhere.

It's not a competition; it's a spectrum. Different Autistic people experience things in different ways at different times in different situations. Your Autistic experience is unique. Your brain just has differences from the average non-Autistic brain in areas that overlap with other Autistic brains—differences in socialising, communicating, thinking and behaving—hence your diagnosis. Just because you don't socialise, communicate, think or behave exactly like another Autistic person, doesn't mean you're not Autistic. Don't worry that you don't have a meltdown when your peas touch your carrots, or when someone gives you a hug, or when you hear the word "moist". Those are not prerequisites for being Autistic.

I find that over time I'm beginning to feel less like an impostor and more "properly" Autistic. For example, I stopped bracing myself before entering public spaces and suddenly started to feel how stressful I was finding the noise level. Before, I still had the stress, but I didn't associate it with noise. Now I wear headphones and I feel much more relaxed.

I also thought I would feel somehow different after my diagnosis, obviously I am still the same person, importantly I know why I’m different. My own sister was working with autistic children when I told her of my autism suspicions, the reply was, “no, I don’t see it, I work with autistic children and you are nothing like them”  

The children you work with most probably are able to express their autistic selves, they don’t have to hide stims or general reactions to situations. Like many of us you have had to mask heavily to fit it. You also probably don’t recognise yourself yet in their behaviour.

I was waiting at the end of my assessment to be told I wasn’t autistic, apparently the assessors had already decided the diagnosis when we took the first break. The feedback was that I had built a suitable world around me, 50+ years of masking makes a person very good at it. I still don’t see a lot of my general functioning as autistic, when I saw in writing how they had interpreted it, I was quite shocked. The  hard copy of my report came this week, I’m still unable to read all of it. I suppose time is how we unravel it all. 

I coped better when I was younger as I had to find strategies to manage life. I just thought it was me who found things hard. It was only in later life when we had access to the internet that I found out about autism in more detail and realised that was why I had difficulties. It is only now I am in my sixties that I have realised how exhausting the coping is. 

Knowing that you are autistic and understanding the difficulties means you are a great asset to those you work with. I wish more adults when my son was at school understood what it is like.

If you have your diagnosis report, imagine this was for someone else. If you read it what would you think?

I don't think I am autistic enough, but if you read my report you'd have little doubt.

I can see other people struggle but can't see issues with myself, or I justify them. I minimise my struggles, because I always have. I have developed skills to avoid problems and hide things.

It is strange that you don't see it in yourself but can see it in others, I don't really understand this about myself. I also wondered if I fooled the assessors, I have even asked them a few days ago. But  I know what they are going to say.

I assume it is part of the acceptance process.