In a relationship (is a quite personal)

We haven’t in a while and we still are but he says he feels like our relationship is more like room mates and that hurts my feelings a little bit 

I guess part of me wants someone to go oh I’ve been in this situation and they change. I have the way he acts harms me and my mental health and that’s already screwed… I’ve never had to give someone an ultimatum before. I’ve said to his dad I don’t know how much more I can put up with because I don’t feel listened to. I said to him I keep hoping he’ll change but he dad said he’s not sure he will because (and as he’s proven but I won’t go into detail on that) he wants people to do things for him. I’ve got to look after a family memebers dog for them so I’ll be staying there for 8 days so maybe the separation time will make him think but I’m not sure if that’s true really

You should definitely feel like equals in a relationship. You should connect and enjoy your time with each other, sex is just the added bonus on top! 

Just think about it this way… if you took the sex out of the equation, do you think you’d still be together?

In a relationship it’s very difficult to insist on things. I mean to really insist on things like with an ultimatum like ‘I think if you don’t do this it might be the end of our relationship’ kind of insist on things. The one area where I think it can be acceptable is when it pertains to the other persons physical and mental health.

you are already considering leaving this man. or at least it sounds like you are to me. maybe you should tell him that him getting professional help is what it’s going to take to keep your relationship on track. I’m not suggesting he fork out tons for a professional therapist he can’t afford but  he can at least go to his GP that’s free after all.

andi said:

He went through bas times with his kids mother ages ago and he says I’m the one for him and if it wasn’t for me he would have ……  himself. And he’s been saying it a lot more recently about how he’s been thinking about it.

I guess you have to weight up the cost of being trapped by him (as this clearly is him emotionally blackmailing you) versus your own mental health and wellbeing in the long term.

Think practically - how long can it go on if he keeps on spiralling like this. He clearly needs help and if he is mentioning offing himself more often then you may need to consider what to do if you think he is being serious and not just manipulative

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/useful-contacts/

andi said:

I’ve never heard of that saying before I can’t lie and I’ve googled it after looking at the link and I’m not entirely sure what it means 

It means an action you have taken becomes a weight around your neck, dragging you down, engulfing you in its stench and constant reminder of what you did.

In this case it was getting into the relationship - it probably seemed the right thing at the time, but your partner has become the metaphorical albatros tied round your neck.

A bit obscure I know, but I have a soft spot for Coleridges poetry.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING ️ 

I do love him and just leaving isn’t that easy. I have a lot of my own personal things going on (yes he is aware of them). And some of those make it hard to just go “I can’t put up with this anymore I’m off” if you get what I mean. I sit there day in day out and think  it’ll change he’ll work things out and he’ll finally listen to what I’ve been saying to him what the rest of his family have been saying and I’ve just got to help him through it all. but I’m exhausted all the time and can’t be what he needs and my youth worker says it’s not my job to fix him, but I can’t help but feel like it is. He went through bas times with his kids mother ages ago and he says I’m the one for him and if it wasn’t for me he would have ……  himself. And he’s been saying it a lot more recently about how he’s been thinking about it. So I do believe that he could be depressed I really do but that’s a big emotional thing to tell me and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to take information like that. 

I’ve never heard of that saying before I can’t lie and I’ve googled it after looking at the link and I’m not entirely sure what it means 

andi said:

he says no because he’s a man and I’m his therapist

Well that is a mysoginistic trait that you can't blame on autism or depression - it points to ingrained sexism that you are supposed to be everything for him and he doesn't have to be anything for you.

His behaviour does have a lot of depression about it from a range of factors (getting old, being unsuccessful, getting fat, faired relationship, having to move home etc) and if he is not willing to address these with a professional then I only see them getting worse.

The lack of respect if what is the biggest issue in my opion. You can be having a really bad time but if you take others close to you for granted repeatedly without trying to make things better then it reflects badly on your character. He has been doing this to you for far too long and this is in spite of you telling him about it, so he has no excuse of not knowing.

In your shoes I would be already packing my bags as while you love him, he has become an albatros around your neck  ( https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/640279/albatross-around-your-neck-literary-origins ).

Thank you 

So what can I do? It’s been 18 months he’s been like this and I try and help but he doesn’t seem to want to hear it. I listen and try and offer solutions and I get every reason he can think of as to why it won’t work. So I say why not and he won’t answer with anything than “it won’t trust me.”I say to him to go and try some professional help he says no because he’s a man and I’m his therapist he doesn’t need some stranger judging him. He says he’s got money issues  and I offer to help and he says no until the end of the month when I’m low on funds that I have to take it out of my savings. I don’t have an issue with him being depressed everyone will probably experience it at some point in their lives and it just depends on the serverity I have an issue with him not seeming to want to try. Maybe that’s the wrong outlook but it’s the way it seems after 18 months of this visoius cycle there seems to be no changes or willingness to try. Maybe I’m wrong for thinking this way but it is the way I think and I don’t know what else I can to do to help him. He’s stuck in a rut that I can’t pull him out off.

I personally think him leaving the job he’s at will help at lot but he’ll say I’ve had enough I’m looking for a new job look for 1 months and then say he actually quite likes it. Then the next month I hate my job I’m going somewhere else. Next month no I’m too old to start again I might as well stay. So yeah maybe I’m wrong but some days I get annoyed with the back and forth of he hates his job he likes his job. 

andi said:

As weird as this sounds and his dad has said it too I think he likes being miserable.

Yeah this is a kind of rubbish people with depression have to hear a lot. Because They don’t have the energy or a positive mental attitude or the confidence to do anything about the negative situations they’re seen as enjoying them, as using them as convenient excuses for laziness.

also you have to remember that a lot of depression relates to being affected by a problem you can’t solve. As human beings we are wired to solve problems and when you can’t solve a problem that you can’t let go of it because it’s too emotionally important to you your brain obsesses over it and you repeat the cycle of thinking about trying to fix it over and over again even though you know you can’t.

and people say oh you’re always obsessing over the thing that makes you miserable therefore you must love the misery and it’s total rubbish. it’s like chopping off somebody’s legs and saying oh you’re always obsessing over the times when you used to be able to walk you must love misery. just the difficulty of dealing with every day life reminds them they don’t have legs and sets them back into that cycle of wishing they had legs and is there anything they can do to make their life more like it used to be.

You'll get there.
It just takes time.
Keep the faith.

Me and my youth worker are working on my self esteem. I don’t cry much and especially not in front of others but these last few weeks have been difficult and I broke down in a session 

I didn’t want to go into to too much detail no one would read it haha. Yeah I’ve talked to him about it but it seems to be in 1 ear and out the other. 

Sometimes low self-esteem makes us feel worthless and we can possibly just take what we can get.
Work on yourself, once you love yourself you can be the one to choose only the best.

It certainly feels that way but I don’t know how to change it his dad says I need To stick up for myself against him but he’ll go off in a paddy if I do and o can’t be bothered with it 

I know something is wrong but I don’t know how to fix it. Everything seems to be me all the time to point where my 35 year old fiancé doesn’t eat until he’s starving if I don’t cook him what he wants 

I don’t think he is. As weird as this sounds and his dad has said it too I think he likes being miserable. I’ve told him he needs help and I can’t be what he needs in that department. Ive said I’ll support where I can but I’m also only 22 myself and I’m honestly not that mature when it comes to the things he struggles with. How to raise his kids how to help him lose weight how to help him save. I don’t think he’s Interested in fixing things. I really don’t. All he does is look at football on his phone. Not at ways to help himself I get the need for downtime I do but then why ask me for help if he’s not going to listen to what I say? 

Relationships should be 50/50. You shouldn't be doing all the running, it should be equal effort between you both. It sounds like he's using you. You're not a doormat, you deserve to treated fairly and shouldn't be doing all the running. A relationship won't last if it's like that.

Believe me, if you constantly worry and stress, this is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship, and it is important to deal with it, try to talk to him or take a break and then you will definitely understand your desires

On the one hand doing things like spending time with your friends or playing games is the kind of thing people do in order to try and self medicate depression, to try and recharge my mental energy. so it’s not surprising he would do that even if he isn’t putting his socks in the wash.

it’s also entirely possible that you have highly different views of where you both see your lifes going. which is something you’re probably not able to discuss with him sensibly right now if he’s depressed because trying to pin him down about important and difficult topics will just stress him out and depress him more.

at the end of the day the big question is is he willing to get help. Because if he isn’t that does put dealing with his depression entirely on the shoulders of those closest to him. So you have to ask yourself are you and those around him up to that job and if you answer is no maybe that should be some sort of Boundry or condition, that if he wants the relationship to last he has to get some sort of professional help.