In a relationship (is a quite personal)

I’ve told him what I want in life but he does t seem to want the same he said he does but doesn’t seem willing to make changes. I get the spoon theory (in a sense) but what winds me up is that he will play with his friends online want to do different things and go on walks but can’t put his dirty socks in the Wash basket he walks past. Maybe I’m being too harsh on him but even before we moved he stopped doing things. It was getting left to me to do. I’ve said to him (multiple times) to try and find help it’s a waiting list but you’ll get help and he doesn’t he’s even said he doesn’t need therapy I’m here. I’ve tried talking to him about getting a car for me (I’d be buying it not him) and he said he’s not interested and went on looking at football on his phone. So part of me feels like he can’t be bothered because he knows I’ll do it eventually. But like you said maybe he does have depression and maybe I am being too hard on him 

Well it sounds like maybe he’s suffering with depression and indeed no one will listen to him. A doctor would probably give him pills but that’s not quite the same as listening. Getting one to one mental health therapy in this country can be quite difficult.

depression can create this situation in which you feel powerless to change your own life. What’s your seeing a spoon theory in application. Doing the washing or putting your own clothes away may not seem difficult to you but it’s another spoon that someone has to pull out of their mental energy bucket which has a finite supply. If you get really badly depressed just getting up in the morning and going to work probably uses up all of your spoons, housework, planning for the future, job hunting, that’s mental energy you just don’t have so you’re ration your mental energy and you don’t do it.

because deep down you know if you try to do all the things that everyone tells you you should do and that you tell yourself you should do That one day you won’t get up and go to work, you’ll stay in bed all day, and probably the next day and the next, you’ll burn out.

on top of that it sounds like you just have different expectations and aspirations regarding living your life. For example  there are plenty of people who are happy to live a life where the floor doubles as a clothes basket, where things get washed and cleaned at the last minute when they need to be. in my experience most students live this way.

you've said you don’t like sex but you also said

“My hardest part is that he used to be good and we used to be intermate but I just don’t enjoy at all.”

By which I assume you mean sexually intermate. So you two having a good sex life is possible. It’s just a problem the two of you need to solve if you want a relationship to last of course.

I’m all honesty at the moment it’s not I love him but it’s so difficult. I feel like a mum sometimes who wants to sleep with their mum? And it’s way too much for me I’m so overwhelmed all the time at the moment that I’ve started sleeping with a stuffed toy again. I’m struggling to see a future with him I want to think he’ll change. And I’m a highy guilty person so I feel like it’s my fault he’s not happy because I’m not sleeping with him. 

Yeah I’ve told him it hurts. I’ve told him he’s quite heavy. We’ve tried me On top and that hurts too. We tried again a while back and I said it hurts too much and he said we need to keep trying so it goes back to the way it used to be. We both wanted to move in with his dad and we did it to save he said he’d start saving and I’d be able to get my savings back but it only seems to be me doing the saving he always gets takeaways and wants to do things all the time I’ve said to him just because you have money doesn’t mean you have to spend it all. Like I’ve said in a previous comment above somewhere the amount of debts he’s got to pay is way too much and I have to help him out and I don’t get that money back…. 

Maybe I am being too harsh. But he always says he hates where he works but yet doesn’t seem to do much about it other than complain. He’s  applied for a few jobs they are all delivering and then he says he doesn’t want them. He got a loan which just threw him into more debt then decided to get a credit card now he’s blown. He has Sundays off witch is when he’s got the kids. He’s a butcher in a supermarket. I’ve been there I’ve done supermarket work I was on my feet all day and I still had to come home and do the housework. I don’t ask him to much especially when he’s been to work but even just putting away his own clothes would be nice or putting his clothes in the wash baskets rather than just on the bedroom floor for me to pick up. 
I have said to him before that I don’t really like sex and he says but it’s an important part of a relationship and I said maybe so but right now I don’t like it and he retaliates. I have said to him he needs help and I can’t provide the answers he’s looking for and all he says is no one will listen to him becuase he’s a man that feels like an excuse to me. Maybe I am being too harsh on him. We had a ‘talk’ last week and all he kept saying was do you think we are better off separated so you not think I’m dragging you down that’s when I said to him you need help. Then 2 hours later he says forget about it. Maybe I am too hard on him

If he won't wear a condom when you want him to, he doesn't deserve sex. End of. 

So the dynamics of your relationship are quite as uneven as your first post suggested. You’re both contributing to the family budget. You may be frustrated that he won’t leave his job too I don’t know go back to education? I can totally understand why he wouldn’t want to. These are turbulent economic times and qualifications are no guarantee of getting a job.

it’s weird that he’s expecting you to take more care of his children than he does, especially given they are his from a previous relationship and he doesn’t get to see them that much. But is it possible with the timing of when they visit he’s very tired because of work?

i’m playing devils advocate here.  As for your sex life it sounds like The issues are a byproduct of the other issues in your relationship. As you say before when you were having a few arguments your sex life was much better. From a purely pragmatic point of view you could just go with Girl on top positions. But I think what’s more important is addressing your different expectations in your relationship.

I reiterate communication is key. You seem to have different expectations of what the next few years are going to bring. Different aspirations perhaps as well.

what you’ve told me has not particularly convinced me that he is manipulating you or wilfully and deliberately trying to take advantage of you. It’s entirely possible that he is just a tired and impulsive and possibly bit depressed man who doesn’t feel up to doing housework, thinks rightly or wrongly that his job is more physically tiring than yours, and maybe feels overwhelmed by the thought of trying to engineer his future. Maybe counselling is an idea.

to me it seems you are as dissatisfied with the state he is in as much as the state the relationship is in. You need to discuss your issues together including the issues you have with each other and probably with some kind of facilitator or neutral party.

andi said:

I was wondering if there’s something I’m missing or if it’s common for folks that are autistic to be in this sort of situation?

It is unfortunately common for autists to be taken advantage of ny neurotypicas in relationships as we often don't really know what is normal to expect, we are often more committed to the other person because of they are our main social connection which we fear losing, we can turn them into our "special interest" which means the relationship can become quite one sided and finally because we often fail to stand up for our own wellbeing for fear of confrontation.

Your partners lack of empathy for your suffering during sex is a huge red flag to me - is he aware of the pain you suffer? To test the level of selfishness maybe make him be underneath (cowgirl style) and you can control the depth / speed to see if it works for you and also if he insists on changing just so he can finish the way he wants. Make sure he know the change would be painful for you and if he insists then you know he just does not care about your suffering.

I suspect the combination of his sense of failure of notbeing able to provide for you and his family plus the shame of having to move back home are big issues for him, but taking it out on you this way is completely unacceptable.

Only my opinion of course, but I suspect you already know your solution.

My hardest part is that he used to be good and we used to be intermate but I just don’t enjoy at all. He flopped so much especially since we moved back in with his dad (he looks after himself and hates the way my partner is being at the minute) and he drops me to work and picks me up but that’s kind of it when I think about it 

It’s me believe it or not I guess I posted it here because I was wondering if there’s something I’m missing or if it’s common for folks that are autistic to be in this sort of situation? I find it painful during sex but I also find it too much and I really plan everything and if I can’t get things done it ruins the whole day but he just brushes it off. Does that make sense? Same with the kids. I love them to bits and have no issues but when it get dropped on me oh we’re having them today as well I struggle to plan that in. Does that make sense? 

The picture painted by your words form o pretty bleak landscape. Going of your words you say you love him. You have invested your time and energy into this man and his baggage. He clearly does not see what a wonderful person you are. Have you told him to back of the bedroom and spend that time chatting? Have you told him about the physical pain caused by him in these acts? If he loves you he will be fair to you. When you go to the shop would you pay full price for a half eaten loaf of bread or 25% of a chocolate bar? Honestly the bedroom stuff seems like a red flag. I am very close to your partner's age and I think he should know better. We're all different at the end of the day. Hope you get things sorted out. Good luck

andi said:

Im seeing a youth worker at the moment and she thinks I’ll be better off away from him as our relationship isn’t the best.

She is right - you do lack the basis of a solid, long term, healthy relationship from what you describe.

Your partner does not pull their weight in the relationship from what you describe and he is being extremely selfish in most situations.

You don't mention autism anywhere - with you posting on an autism related website I assume this is in the picture. Is it you or your partner who is autistic? It sounds like him from what you mention.

There is absolutely no reason you need to accept the lack of respect he is displaying. He is being manipulative to get his desires in bed which when it causes you pain is unacceptable.

You deserve so much better.

In your shoes I would be planning my exit and working steadily towards it.

It sounds like you two just have different views of what a relationship should be like, and that's okay. You may love each other, but in all honesty it doesn't sound like this relationship is making you happy. 

I'm also 22 and I couldn't imagine mothering two children, one of whom is only half my age. 

Also it's perfectly ok for you not to be into sex. There's nothing wrong with you. He needs to find someone who's as interested in that as he is, rather than you feeling guilty for not living up to his "expectations".

We have tried talking. He works I work I have a Monday to Friday job and he has Wednesdays and Sundays off. However I get tired of hearing all I do is sit in an office all day. Yes it’s my job but I do find my own job difficult it’s not my fault he won’t leave retail. He won’t take a leap of faith. I did and found a different job. The kids stay with their mum 7 nights a week. We just have them during the day. We have spoken about it he’s a bigger person so he’s quite heavy and I have back issues witch make different positions uncomfortable for me and it the whole ordeal causes me a lot of pain  but all he says is go and see a dr. I came off the pill for a while and he wouldn’t wrap it but I don’t want to risk pregnancy right now and he said ill Pull out or we can go down that route if it happens but I’m not willing to do that. 

Well in relationships its really important that both people know what the other wants out of the relationship and that that's compatible. It sounds like what he wants is a bit self contradictory. You work and support him financially? Then shouldn't he be the one doing things around the home and looking after the kids? Of course I freely accept maybe he'd rather it wasn't that way. Maybe he wishes he got a reasonably well paid job tomorrow so you could quit and he could support you? If so you need to ask yourself will that job of his ever come and if it did would you want to be a mostly stay at home wife? (assuming that's what he wants) Could he live with you being the bread winner and that being a semi permanent arrangement? If so maybe that's an option. Maybe he could be the stay at home dad? You need to have a talk about what you both want.

The same with the sex. You know it's very hard to maintain a health romantic relationship if each party has a radically different idea of what they want sexually. Maybe there is a reason your sex drive is so low? Unresolved emotional issues maybe, a medical condition? Maybe his sex drive is so hyperactive it's a clinical issue (very unlikely unless it's negatively effecting his ability to function). This may need to be part of a wider discussion about both of your issues around sex. But if you can't come to an understanding it could sabotage your relationship in the long run.

So in short "communication, communication, communication that's what you need."

Listen to your youth worker, relationships should be an equal partnership or as close as possible, sounds like he is using you as his slave all round. Does he even do anything at all? I would find it very hard to be sexually attracted to a man living like a child, especially as old as he is. And even if you are completely asexual or on that part of the lgbtq+ spectrum there is nothing wrong with that either but you will need to be with someone who respects and understands that. Doesn’t sound like this man has any respect for you whatsoever I’m afraid, you deserve so much better.