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In a relationship (is a quite personal)

andi

Hey I’m 22 (F) 23 in 2 months, in a relationship with a 35 (m) 

He’s got 2 kids 11(m) and 9(m) that stay with us 1 day a week not a lot I know. But I feel like a parent all the time if I’m not helping look after the boys I’m basically taking care of my partner. I cook I clean I do the washing I support him financially.

Im seeing a youth worker at the moment and she thinks I’ll be better off away from him as our relationship isn’t the best. I’m really struggling but at the same time I don’t want to leave him. I do love him and he says he loves me. But there are issues. He seems to think that a relationship is 75% bedroom visits (if you know what I mean) whereas I’m not interested in that what’s so ever and I don’t feel the same way.  These aren’t our only issues but it’s the one that crops up the most often. Am I wrong? is there something wrong with me? Has anyone else felt this way? Am I harming him more by being this way? Thanks 

  • andi said:
    Im seeing a youth worker at the moment and she thinks I’ll be better off away from him as our relationship isn’t the best.

    She is right - you do lack the basis of a solid, long term, healthy relationship from what you describe.

    Your partner does not pull their weight in the relationship from what you describe and he is being extremely selfish in most situations.

    You don't mention autism anywhere - with you posting on an autism related website I assume this is in the picture. Is it you or your partner who is autistic? It sounds like him from what you mention.

    There is absolutely no reason you need to accept the lack of respect he is displaying. He is being manipulative to get his desires in bed which when it causes you pain is unacceptable.

    You deserve so much better.

    In your shoes I would be planning my exit and working steadily towards it.

  • It sounds like you two just have different views of what a relationship should be like, and that's okay. You may love each other, but in all honesty it doesn't sound like this relationship is making you happy. 

    I'm also 22 and I couldn't imagine mothering two children, one of whom is only half my age. 

    Also it's perfectly ok for you not to be into sex. There's nothing wrong with you. He needs to find someone who's as interested in that as he is, rather than you feeling guilty for not living up to his "expectations".

  • in reply to Peter

    We have tried talking. He works I work I have a Monday to Friday job and he has Wednesdays and Sundays off. However I get tired of hearing all I do is sit in an office all day. Yes it’s my job but I do find my own job difficult it’s not my fault he won’t leave retail. He won’t take a leap of faith. I did and found a different job. The kids stay with their mum 7 nights a week. We just have them during the day. We have spoken about it he’s a bigger person so he’s quite heavy and I have back issues witch make different positions uncomfortable for me and it the whole ordeal causes me a lot of pain  but all he says is go and see a dr. I came off the pill for a while and he wouldn’t wrap it but I don’t want to risk pregnancy right now and he said ill Pull out or we can go down that route if it happens but I’m not willing to do that. 

  • Well in relationships its really important that both people know what the other wants out of the relationship and that that's compatible. It sounds like what he wants is a bit self contradictory. You work and support him financially? Then shouldn't he be the one doing things around the home and looking after the kids? Of course I freely accept maybe he'd rather it wasn't that way. Maybe he wishes he got a reasonably well paid job tomorrow so you could quit and he could support you? If so you need to ask yourself will that job of his ever come and if it did would you want to be a mostly stay at home wife? (assuming that's what he wants) Could he live with you being the bread winner and that being a semi permanent arrangement? If so maybe that's an option. Maybe he could be the stay at home dad? You need to have a talk about what you both want.

    The same with the sex. You know it's very hard to maintain a health romantic relationship if each party has a radically different idea of what they want sexually. Maybe there is a reason your sex drive is so low? Unresolved emotional issues maybe, a medical condition? Maybe his sex drive is so hyperactive it's a clinical issue (very unlikely unless it's negatively effecting his ability to function). This may need to be part of a wider discussion about both of your issues around sex. But if you can't come to an understanding it could sabotage your relationship in the long run.

    So in short "communication, communication, communication that's what you need."

  • Listen to your youth worker, relationships should be an equal partnership or as close as possible, sounds like he is using you as his slave all round. Does he even do anything at all? I would find it very hard to be sexually attracted to a man living like a child, especially as old as he is. And even if you are completely asexual or on that part of the lgbtq+ spectrum there is nothing wrong with that either but you will need to be with someone who respects and understands that. Doesn’t sound like this man has any respect for you whatsoever I’m afraid, you deserve so much better.