In a relationship (is a quite personal)

It sound like he's resigned himself to the expectation that you will leave. suggesting a course of action where you feel you can stick by him might be what he needs to jolt him into action.

andi said:

I know it sounds like I’m putting obstacles in the way all the time but this is all stuff I have tried 

I think I've said enough. You know my thoughts and you have echoed all but the decision that is necessary to free you of the situation you are in.

While it is noble to be there for him you know he is not reciprocating on any front of consequence.

I hope there is a change of situation and you find things get better - my thoughts and best wishes for your happiness are with you,

For course I understand that it will be difficult when the time eventually comes because no one lasts forever but he won’t even book his own car in for an MOT. His dad has a council house it goes back to them. So yes he’d need to find somewhere to live but the idea was to have a house together in about 5-6 years. But he’s not saved a penny and keeps going further and further into debt and I have to keep bailing him out. He had no reason to get a loan other than he said he was sick of having no money. If he had waited 2 months just 2 he’d be 100 quid better off every month. But he’s never willing to wait. I recognised from a young age if you can’t afford it don’t risk it wait until you can. But I try to explain that to him but he won’t listen.

I have given him 1 so far and he’s not done it. I asked him to hoover the bedroom every Wednesday and I’ll do it every Saturday. Because I have eczema I suffer with really dry skin and it flakes off and becomes dust naturally. He said why? Does it really need it twice a week? Why can’t you just do it Saturdays. We tried the cooking thing be says he can’t be bothered and just goes with out and says he’s hungry the next morning. He won’t even think of what he wants even when I offer to cook it. All I get is I’ll eat anything so I throw in a couple of ideas and all I get is no don’t fancy that. So i do get quite frustrated with him. 

he won’t let me touch his phone he’s very protective of that 

I know it sounds like I’m putting obstacles in the way all the time but this is all stuff I have tried 

andi said:

Personally I think his dad is trying to teach him that he’s not going to be around forever

Can you imagine the state he would get into if he had his fathers death to deal with (and possibly handling the estate) on top of his current issues?

Maybe an approach is to give him some straightforward goals to achieve to start with as the basis of you staying. This will give a pretty good indication if he is willing to flex just a little to start with to maybe cook 5 days a week instead of getting take aways, get to the gym 3 days a week, put screen time limits on his escape into the phone etc.

You could sell it as it being a way for him to help himself and make him more attractive to you.

You will need to pick the challenges well and not make new ones too often but it should give an indication if he has any will left to do more than be a sponge.

He said today in the car “dads not interested in helping me he’s more interested in helping you buy a car” I said I’m way more direct with him than you are I tell him when I find a car I’m sending you to go and your other son to go and get it for me and I’ll come with. He said he is direct and he asks him to go with him but he’s missing that he has to book things in himself. Personally I think his dad is trying to teach him that he’s not going to be around forever and needs to do things himself but no it’s my fault his dads not interested 

I couldn’t leave right now because if he did go through with what he says he’s going to then that would ultimately be my fault. I’ve mentioned him getting help so many times before he’s just not interested he says he doesn’t want to hear it and he doesn’t care. 

i don’t know if it would be for anyone’s benefit would people think I’m being selfish because he needs help and I’m threatening to walk out on him because he doesn’t help with a few silly house chores? 

he’s done it before and he knows there are people around him that love him but he says that no one is interested in him since I’ve come around. He shuts down at that sort of thing he keeps saying you can leave if you can’t put up with it. How can someone leave when someone else says that? 

I don’t think I would though. I’ll sit here and think about it but I don’t think I could do it. 

Yeah it does eventually I’d be lying if I say it didn’t 

andi said:

And he bangs on about stuff so I give in but then I feel guilty

So the guilt trip strategy he is using is paying off.

He’s always said if it wasn’t for me he would have topped himself. Witch I took as a compliment but now it’s bit more like well if you leave me I’m ending it but then he asks if we’re better off separate. I get so confused. I do think about leaving him I don’t want to but I do. We had an argument and I got quite snappy back to him so he punched the head bored but he wasn’t looking and I think well what if my head had been there? And he bangs on about stuff so I give in but then I feel guilty because I don’t have as many things to pay out as him 

I don’t expect he’ll be happy about it. I wouldn’t be. but at the same time if it was the only way to save my relationship I would rather have the option than just having someone walk out on me.

you also have to think about it this way is your ultimatum as much for his good as yours? You’re not demanding that he take a particular approach to solving his problems, just what he gets professional help to help him solve his problems.

coping with life without you will probably be a real challenge for him. If he really is as depressed and hopeless as you describe there’s a decent chance that you may be one of the only good things in his life right now. So pushing him to make the necessary changes to improve his life and to keep you in his life is very much in his interest.

it sounds like you’re going to leave him anyway if things don’t change. Think of it less as an ultimatum and more as an opportunity to prevent that outcome.

andi said:

I just don’t understand why. Why would you want your 22 year old fiancé to look after you when you’re 35?

That will be because:

1 - you make him feel attractive (well he managed to make you his partner).

2 - you are enabling his poor money management by being the backstop for the "familiy" finances.

3 - you care for him when he is down

4 - he can abuse you and yet you stay so he feels he has power over you.

He will now be getting the clue that you may be considering leaving so he will do what he feels he must to guilt trip you into staying, even threatening offing himself if that works.

Thats what I can read into it from what you have described.

I just don’t understand why. Why would you want your 22 year old fiancé to look after you when you’re 35? He wants to have kids eventually but eventually I need to be off work he’ll have to support both of us plus a new baby and his already 2 kids and he can’t cope with that now 

it can’t and I don’t know know if if can see a future with him the way he’s going…. But if I give him an ultimatum it feels like emotional blackmail and I hate that 

Just leaving is easier emotionally on you probably. But an ultimatum and a confrontation gives the relationship a chance of survival. Assuming you've decided things can't go on as they are.

Yeah that sounds like he’s trying to guilt you :/ I feel like you deserve a lot better. 

We haven’t in a while and we still are but he says he feels like our relationship is more like room mates and that hurts my feelings a little bit 

I guess part of me wants someone to go oh I’ve been in this situation and they change. I have the way he acts harms me and my mental health and that’s already screwed… I’ve never had to give someone an ultimatum before. I’ve said to his dad I don’t know how much more I can put up with because I don’t feel listened to. I said to him I keep hoping he’ll change but he dad said he’s not sure he will because (and as he’s proven but I won’t go into detail on that) he wants people to do things for him. I’ve got to look after a family memebers dog for them so I’ll be staying there for 8 days so maybe the separation time will make him think but I’m not sure if that’s true really

You should definitely feel like equals in a relationship. You should connect and enjoy your time with each other, sex is just the added bonus on top! 

Just think about it this way… if you took the sex out of the equation, do you think you’d still be together?

In a relationship it’s very difficult to insist on things. I mean to really insist on things like with an ultimatum like ‘I think if you don’t do this it might be the end of our relationship’ kind of insist on things. The one area where I think it can be acceptable is when it pertains to the other persons physical and mental health.

you are already considering leaving this man. or at least it sounds like you are to me. maybe you should tell him that him getting professional help is what it’s going to take to keep your relationship on track. I’m not suggesting he fork out tons for a professional therapist he can’t afford but  he can at least go to his GP that’s free after all.

andi said:

He went through bas times with his kids mother ages ago and he says I’m the one for him and if it wasn’t for me he would have ……  himself. And he’s been saying it a lot more recently about how he’s been thinking about it.

I guess you have to weight up the cost of being trapped by him (as this clearly is him emotionally blackmailing you) versus your own mental health and wellbeing in the long term.

Think practically - how long can it go on if he keeps on spiralling like this. He clearly needs help and if he is mentioning offing himself more often then you may need to consider what to do if you think he is being serious and not just manipulative

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/useful-contacts/

andi said:

I’ve never heard of that saying before I can’t lie and I’ve googled it after looking at the link and I’m not entirely sure what it means 

It means an action you have taken becomes a weight around your neck, dragging you down, engulfing you in its stench and constant reminder of what you did.

In this case it was getting into the relationship - it probably seemed the right thing at the time, but your partner has become the metaphorical albatros tied round your neck.

A bit obscure I know, but I have a soft spot for Coleridges poetry.