How do you recover after a meltdown?

I agree where you are coming from and today she had another 'tantrum'. This one was because no one told her she had to use a staff members car to go home until the time came and she doesn't even know the staff member so it's new and she gets anxious in that situation. New people, new car. She was anxious but screamed saying she's not going home with the staff member and in their car. So a preferred staff member took her home in their car. But I don't want her to continue this behaviour. She thinks she rules the world at the moment. 

ParentingAutism said:

she said she was calm and in control and trying to get staff to actually do something. Basically kinda getting her own way which worked. She came out of school laughing

If she was in control then it wasn't a meltdown. It was more like a toddler style tantrum to get what she wanted.

No it isn't right that there is such a lack of understanding and help that she deemed such behaviour to be necessary. However that does not excuse her behaviour and I hope that you have been able to get her to understand that since it happened.

Many autistic people are disbelieved when they have a genuine meltdown. They are wrongfully punished when it is assumed that the behaviour is wilful. What your daughter did just further fuels that injustice.

ParentingAutism said:

restrained and held for ages, and she came home battered and bruised

If I said this about my girlfriend or daughter coming back to mine from their husband/boyfriend/partner we'd start talking about legal repercussions.

There is something seriously wrong in need of addressing here. you've mentioned she likes the school, but if we've never been exposed to something better, and have difficulty with transition, any one of us might stay in a harmful situation. This is how Stockholm syndrome has been discovered. 

Suffering change for a more healthy situation isn't harmful, just emotionally difficult but it can pass so long as there is something stable and grounded and someone to help us through. 

Another incident today. This time she ripped something off the wall and now there's a hole in the wall. She did have to be held but only for a minute or two, nothing major. The school phoned me to come pick her up so I did and in the end the staff told me I had to go into the school to get her because she was kicking off. She was apparently swearing, screaming, shouting and pacing all afternoon. Spent an hour calming her down. Luckily she's fine now. 

Every Wendesday we have this issue so staff said its because she's not in for the rest of the week but my daughter said it's because of break and lunchtimes because it's unstructured and transitions she hates so school have put stuff in place. She is now in school every day starting tomorrow because staff will pick and drop her home because that's the main issue here. Fingers crossed tomorrow will be better. 

But her meltdowns and outbursts have gotten worse since being at that school. When I was there, she was really kicking off and I've never seen her like that before but she said she was calm and in control and trying to get staff to actually do something. Basically kinda getting her own way which worked. She came out of school laughing saying its a joke how distressed she needs to be to actually get the help she needs. She basically admitted to me on the way home that she was in control and acted like she was exploding and struggling to get staff to do what she wants them to do, which was for her to be in more, which is now happening. She knows what to say to get her way now. 

Thanks for the rant again. I'm happy they are doing something now, just a shame how much we had to go through to get the help. I don't talk to my husband or anyone about this because he hates the school and wants her out. I do but she enjoys school somehow so if she's happy, I am. 

They did use Team Teach but now use RiiSE techniques but in the past I would've had emails and calls about her behaviour constantly but recently they haven't said anything about the incident. She hasn't been held since before the summer holidays so something must of really triggered her to respond in such a way. The problem with her behaviour is that when she does have SIB, she won't stop until she's exhausted so can last minutes to hours and if anyone tries to stop her it becomes worse and if you block her from hurting herself she will find a way to do it. It's very tricky but I only have her accounts of Wednesday not school so i don't have a clear picture unfortunately 

As someone who works in a school, if they had to restrain her to the point that she was bruised, then they should absolutely be giving you an account of that. Any time restraint is used, the circumstances should be recorded by staff.  Restraint should only be used as a last resort, and only then with the minimal force required to keep everyone safe.  

There is a training program used widely in schools called Team Teach, which helps staff to learn how to de-escalate situations and use force safely.  

After a meltdown I find that I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I need to reduce sensory input as much as possible. For example I can watch TV only using the subtitles and I need to leave the sound off completely. I need to be left alone and quiet and can't tolerate anyone talking to me.

It sounds as if your daughter is quite agitated with all the constant pacing and crying. That is perhaps a sign that she may be ruminating over the meltdown and remains angry about how she was treated and restrained when it happened. 

Once she calms down it is worth trying to talk through what happened to identify the triggers. Knowledge and awareness of triggers is the best thing to try and avoid further meltdowns. 

One thing I did for my daughters (no one diagnosed, but something's up with my eldest) was make them a comfort box - with sensory items and distracting items, like a squishy ball, little colouring book, small treats etc.  My daughter never had her meltdowns at school though - only at home, because she'd been hiding it all day.  She's better meltdown wise now in her teens, though spends a lot of time in her room.

I might write more about my experience of adult meltdowns later - but the biggest takeaways for me were to work on my physical and mental health when I was feeling better so as to try and avoid meltdowns, and once they were happening to retreat and try to minimise the damage.  There was not much I could do once I was actually having a meltdown.  Afterwards I would feel quite depressed for a short while, so keep an eye on that, although you may already be aware of it.  Perhaps because the whole meltdown is so exhausting.  Thankfully I also don't seem to have them anymore, though perhaps I have a bit of a 'shutdown' instead.  

Exercise might be good for your daughter as someone suggested - exercise helps with anxiety and it's possibly a build-up of anxiety, overwhelm and frustration that bring on the meltdowns. Again it might be something you can do together.

Oh and do you have a pet?  Our little doggy pretty much coincided with when our daughter's meltdowns stopped.  She had a bit of counselling too with an educational psychologist.

The Internet and Public Services give free education!

(Scroobious PIP - Get Better) 

Thank you

For me after a meltdown its just space and being given time to recover. Ask me once if I’m okay, is not really fine, I will answer and it may not be verbal, keep asking me and it becomes worse. Recovery isn’t often just over one day. It’s very much as if I have been drained. Music and favourite films is where I disappear to and sleep when there is no pressure. I posted this earlier about parenting autistic children, it’s a series of podcasts all about parents trying to school autistic children. Mainstream schools often aren’t the best place. Your daughter’s meltdowns are most probably the pressure of her school environment.

There are parents who have tried everything within mainstream schooling, it’s often just not suitable, the longer the children go to school just makes the next day so much harder.

It might be different for adults (or not!) but I need time alone and to engage in fun activities. Specifically, if your daughter has some 'special interests' or behaviors that occupy her attention. 

I like burning energy by working out, and learning in depth about new topics. Also some gaming and organizing things. Everyone is different, but I believe having a mix of physical and mental activities is important. Sport is great if you can find one/a few that she likes, as it combines both.

hi i just saw this rn . What helps me to relax even though i'm 19 i meditate and put on music mindfulness music and meditate . I've got many hobbies that help me when i have meltdowns . i also had a meltdown this week on monday and wednesday this week which made me get suicidal and for me to call my mh team . How old is your daughter. I'd suggest she and you both do meditation or any other relaxing things yeah .