I appreciate I am posting under the 'Parents and carers' category. I am neither, however, I am married to an aspie and I just need some help.
I would be very grateful if someone could point me in the direction of all the other frazzled husbands/wives?
I've been married a year and a half, we moved in together when we got married (not due to tradition, but due to commitments that prevented our co-habiting sooner).
A couple of WEEKS after moving in I asked myself: 'who is this selfish, uncaring, unsympathetic, I'm-always-right, rude, arrogant man, and where the HELL is my husband??'
A confusing, emotional and unbearable year passed (no, there was no 'honeymoon period' for us), and we finally have the answer (I'll give you a hint, it starts with 'A' and rhymes with blasperger's)
Since then I've read books and really brushed up on my knowledge of the big 'A'. I'm still mourning the life I expected to live when I got married. It's very, very sad. I now have a completely different view of the man I married and it breaks my heart. He's someone else entirely now. But things are getting better. The last 6 months have been amazing. It's so hard trying to forget everything I know about communication and starting again, and even harder to view things from his perspective, but I'm getting there.
Tonight, however, is a turning point. I need help. It's the first night I'm not sleeping in the same bed as him. Because of his sensory issues, I've not been able to read a book or peruse my laptop before bed in all the time we've been married. He point blank refuses to wear an eye-mask and ear-buds because they irritate him too much. I haven't slept well recently so now I have to sleep in a different room until I sort it out.
Ugh, please I just need help to cope with this. I'm 25 and sleeping in a single bed. This isn't RIGHT!!!
I read once that a marriage goes through 4 stages, from the honeymoon period(1-2years), powerstruggle period(10 years), stalemate period(5 years), acceptance period. The best years are the end years.
Solution: see the situation as mutual space, or move out or go too joint marriage counselling.
Thanks for your reply, but perhaps whatever you read applies to NT/NT marriages. I would like to communicate with other NTs in the same situation as me so I can have some support. I'm not sure what you mean by 'mutual space' - could you elaborate? As for moving out, that is completely out of the question, I am married and I took my vows seriously. In regards to counselling, there only seems to be support for parents of AS children. What makes me particularly frustrated is that there is enough support for parents (who will probably reside with their AS children 20-25 years perhaps) and yet there is barely any support for NT wives and husbands who may live with an aspie for 40/50+ years.
Honestly, the best thing for you to do, is understand your husband better, that means learning about the condition and communicating to each other, as the traits he will have will not be personal, you are taking the situation emotionally.
The mutual space thing, is too understand what is the difference between a NT and what is an Aspergers Trait. Sleeping in different beds maybe an actual answer. But can you live with it,, your husbands traits must have been noticed, something attracted you to him. Was he mistaken of a strong silence type, I don't know ? How long did you know him before the year and a half.
If you are just looking for some sort of sympathic reflection, find an Aspergers carers group and drink tea and eat biscuits and talk about your husband. Your are obviously not coping with the marriage adaption like your husband is probably not too. You knew he was an aspie as you married him,, so your post is full of contradictions. You can't have your cake and eat it. i.e Normal marriage and complain of not normal marriage.
You are right, there is not enough Aspergers support out there nor carers groups for emotional support for families/wifes etc.
The NAS has good lip-service about Aspergers but you will not find any real life support from the NAS service.
I am neither neurotypical nor married, but I want you to know how common this situation seems to be. I recently started seeing someone from the ADHD and Asperger's Team, and she said to my mum, "Nine times out of ten it's the men that are the problem." Since joining up here I've seen that she's right. Have a browse, you'll see countless unfortunate women complaining about men like my dad.
Oh, my dad. I could go on forever. He has a split personality - you never know which version of him's going to march through the door. He talks to me in what I call his lord of the manor voice, and thinks that just by inviting me to ask to play a game with him any time (heck, no!) that's the supportive father box ticked.
A couple of years ago I had to do a Speaking and Listening assessment, which I was really struggling with. My lovely teacher was so supportive and gave me five attempts in all, and I finally succeeded on the last one. But after the third attempt, my dad demanded to come into my room, and made it clear he thought I wasn't trying hard enough. My mum was so cross with him, especially since she'd told him NOT to talk to me about it.
Vent all you need to! We feel your pain!
Actually I'm not contradicting myself. It clearly says that I discovered my husband's AS a year after we got married. My initial post also states that I've read countless books relating to AS/NT relationships too, so I have a good knowledge base.
I must say I find your reply irritating and patronising. I want some support from people in the same situation as me, because (and I quote you) "there is not enought Aspergers support out there nor carers groups for emotional support for families/wifes". Since there isn't enough info, I am doing the best for myself and my husband.
I also mentioned that since learning of my husband's AS our relationship has improved dramatically.
And yes, I am taking the situation my marriage is in 'emotionally' as you put it, because I am a NT.
Supercheese - I certainly feel your pain. I'm in the same boat!
At crisis point and we have had a 1st counselling session today, which has left me feeling very very angry.
We have an aspie son together, who is the apple of my eye I should say, but means that I have double trouble, lol!
BTW - I always sleep in a different room to my partner. He drives me crazy because he thrashes about in bed all night long. He once, famously, kneed me up the @rse really hard and unintentionally, in his sleep!!!
Its very hard not to take the aspie induced behaviour personally - especially when it having a horribly negative impact on your life - as is happening here.
I personally don't think we are going to last much longer - we'll see how much change the 6wks of counselling effects, but I cannot go on like this. I am already living like a single parent.
Love rosemary xxx
Supercheese what a great handle, the queen of the big cheeses.
Azalea is right ~ "Vent all you need to! We feel your pain". All I would say don't broadbrush the situation all just Aspergers or Autism, his traits will be hardwired from birth so to say but regardless of the Autism conditions, some problems can just be normal relationship social issues, which are normal at some point in everyday life.
My Brother who is good at the social side of life, says this secret to have an agrument, to clean the air, then patch up with new boundaries. Where as I tend to debate, discuss, deliberate,, etc,, until the stress builds up and rain becomes a thunder storm. So letting the weather out from the emotional sky each day is better than a hurricane. Why don't you just let him see your post and start from there, if you loves you, you can form a new bridge.
Ahhh, supercheese - I just saw your reply to autism2.
This is a board for people who have ASC, as well as those who are living with those who have it.
I too found this reply patronising, but am guessing that its not meant to be. Same thing has happened to me, but as with any other forum, its best to ignore the posts you don't like and focus on those who you feel are offering you the support you need.
Rosemary,, once the overall context is out in the sessions your mind will relax more and you can deal with the day to day relevant better relationship functioning. Don't give up on him to soon as you took a great step going counselling, very brave and adult of you. Well done for trying.
We are the auties is right, Aspergers people think in function, problem and solution but will talk about the negative aspects, but not really meaning to be negative as such, it is just investigating another point of view which others may gloss over or sugar coat. That Asperger directness has value especially in business., although I can understand sometimes it is not the correct lens for an emotional discussion.
Supercheese, you poor person, blah, blah. it just does not work from an Aspergers mindset hardwiring. We care but we will not express it.
Autism2 - fair comments, I understand because you sound sooooo much like my partner. Ha ha ha, perhaps you are him with his laptop in the next room!! [Joke!]
Unfortunately, there is one aspect of our life together that I cannot cope with any more and I don't think he will amend his behaviour, so its probably curtains. As you say, I am trying though. We have been together nearly 12 yrs and if I had known what I was going to suffer at his hands, I would not have got involved. Its all very sad for all concerned.
Supercheese - sorry to highjack your thread, babe. XX