Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I am the mother of an 11 tear old with Asperger's who was diagnosed when he was four. Frankly I feel like I can't carry on. He behaves wonderfully at school and has found the transition to high school much easier than we had hoped. At home he is a nightmare (but not all the time). He swears incessantly (I think he likes the sound of the words), argues, and when he gets angry he bangs doors and kicks the furniture. He can't amuse himself very often. He has never has a friend and relies on me and my husband for constant entertainment. He likes to play on video games but gets extremely cross with them when he can't do something. He won't play out. He is grumpy and rude a lot of the time. I find him infuriating. He soils himself, wets the bed and won't go to the toilet at aone. The only advice anyone ever gives is "Write a social story" These don't work. I am sick to death of the whole situation and can't really see the point of anything - is this going to be the rest of my life. I fantasise about running away with my daughter but am not quite horrible enough to do that. I know I should just focus on him but I just don't know how to help.
Has anyone else ever felt like giving up?
I’m reading all these as a grandparent of an 11 year old and frankly all the nicer nicey comments don’t work.My daughter and Son In Law are virtually begging for help and all they get told is that we refer it to a social worker if he gets worse call the police but we don’t think the police will do anything. Just talk to him as it stands in the last six weeks, he’s broken. Five TVs smashed the window broken the back gate broken the front door thrown eggs all over the walls and flooring pissed on all his siblings bed constantly there isn’t a door on any of the bedrooms he’s kick them all in. There’s just about a door on the bathroom. He smashed the window in the bedroom there are no lights upstairs because he’s broken all the sockets and switches kicking holes in the wall around the sockets the Home looks a wreck they’re going around virtually in the dark of a night time and yet all they get told is oh what about a buddy system? That’s fine but they have to pay for it not only for the buddies but also further for the activities that their child is going to do with them nothing comes free they are at their wits end to the point my daughter just wanted to leave her house and bring the other siblings to us leaving behind the husband who has ADHD and her son because she just cannot cope anymore. She had to fight to get the Son into a special school. It took 2 1/2 years to do this. Everything has been a fight to get yet there are no giving communities to help them. They can’t do full-time work because sometimes there’s some will not go into school the school ring up whenever there’s some says oh mummy and daddy did this mummy and daddy did that none of it true but it makes them out to be the bad parent yet as they say to the school, why don’t you ever phone us up and see how we’re doing in school holidays? They have to put him into a holiday day class because he cannot be around his siblings as he likes to pick on them won’t let them play takes over everyone’s life at home today in the last six years 31. TVs have been broken everywhere in the house is damaged. Cutlery has to be hidden away. He snatches his dad‘s keys to try and unlock the front and back doors he escapes out the garden gate tries to drag the dog out and doesn’t look as he runs across roads he throws anything and everything out of a window to the point they’ve had to look every single one nothing in the house is sacred no one is having a life and this starts from sometimes 430 in the morning to when he goes to bed at night they’re just isn’t enough being done to support families like this so sorry but all these have you spoken to someone have you done this? Have you done that? What about the government stepping in and helping these poor families to have at least respite care? My daughter and her husband haven’t had one day off in the last seven years he swears constantly at family and friends until now that support system is gradually petering off. It’s a no-win situation so what can they do?
I am a mother of a 22 year old with the same condition. I know how you feel and would love to tell you it gets better But it doesnt, not in my case. My son Still behaves like that, he hardly comes out of his room, he has a bad mouth and still soils himself.
Hello,
In answer to your question, yes, all the time. I have started writing a "book" it's not something I ever intend for any one else to EVER see (!) but when I am feeling like you are, like giving up, I find it really theraputic to write about it. It's not for any reason other than if I don't I feel I'm likely to scream! When I write about it I almost escape in that I am writing about someone else's life if that makes sense?
Have you spoken to anyone else about it? I am fortunate enough to have been offered counselling through work and have found sitting in a room ranting quite helpful.
If it helps, I am actually relieved reading your post that I am not the only person that feels like it. It does feel like a life sentence sometimes and I know I certainly have up's and down's feeling I can't cope.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful, I'm not sure I deal with it in the best way yet... I just hope that you are feeling better
Yes I guess we all feel like that at times, my sons the opposite to yours - incessant problems with school and fine at home! Sometimes I just want to bury my head in the sand and hope it will all be a bad dream, then I feel awful for even thinking like that!
At least we are able to "talk" about it here in privacy and hopefully that helps, reading the posts on here has certainly made me feel happier(?) or perhaps comforted is a better word that we are not alone in this, and that our sons behaviour at school is not unusual (very very sad but true).
Take care, hope you have a better week this week
Hi, we all feel low at times and fantasize what if our child were not on the spectrum, how easy life would be, but would it really?!
If he is settling into mainstream secondary well, that is fantastic news you and the school are already obviously helping him hugely! for him to get over that secondary school hurdle is somethinng alot of mums out there could only dream of do not under estimate everything you have already done for your son to get him this far. you can do the rest just try and find some you time if at all possible.
it is common for kids to unleash a bit of frustration when they get home he has been on his best behaviour with all the stress of school all day and does not feel he has to put on a show for you, as i have seen suggested many times but it does work a bit of transition or cooling off time between school and home a club or bit of football my son loves his trampoline when the weather allows, he also loves the computer games this helps him unwind, he does sometimes get frustrated if he cannnot do something i just try and guide him away , yes with a bribe works wonders, i use anything from making pancakes together to group lego, he normally needs a few minutes alone time before he gets out of the funk and joins in. A magazine on a saturday is a common bribe in our house to allow us a coffee in the coffee shop, bliss!
My son is an only child and althogh he does have one or two friends his dad and i are his best friends at home lego partners, football coach to just watching him on the trampoline, hard as it is sometimes i think it is a great thing they want us to play with them, it keeps the bond between us strong i feel that is really impoprtant for our kids as they need our understanding and support more than most.
Chin up, you can do it, you already have been!
Hi Mrs Baker and welcome to the NAS Community.
Thank you for sharing your situation here and, along with the comments so far, I'm sure others will offer their support and advice too.
It's great that you've found this service but we have many others that may be useful to you including our Helpline, Parent to Parent service and our Community Care Service: www.autism.org.uk/.../advice-and-information-services.aspx.
Please do contact us if you have any questions or we can help further.
Best wishes,Mike NAS
You need a gap time for yourself, a hour or two a day,, with a tandem support care service, to give you time to recover. I am sure you love you children, but we all have a cognitive and emotion limit. Hopefully, you can find a support service, even if it a member of your family, to give you time out, you can even going shopping with your daughter,, a mini runaway. Don't feel guilt, you are doing the right thing talking about the sitution. Next you need the right assistance. You would think that the NAS would assist you in finding a support prop as they are the autism experts or are they just pretending to be creating a further maze for the autism society ?
Hi Mrs Baker - have you a support system to help you out when things get too much? It can make a big difference, maybe helping to take the pressure off your son, daughter and yourself. Does your son get support at school? Scorpion makes the point that your son needs to let the pressure of the school experience out when he comes home. There are a number of posts on this site which make that point. Scorpion's also right about bribes. My son responds to tangible rewards. Yes, there have been times when I felt things were too much for my son and I. When he was little it was because I didn't know he had autism. When he was diagnosed I had to learn/understand about it. Apart from a day nursery who didn't know about autism, we had no support whatsoever. It was just me and him. When he started school he went to autism-specific one and things improved for both of us. I've found that if my son's "behaviour" deteriorates it's usually because he's unhappy and/or stressed. Finding out why that's the case can show the way to alleviating that problem.
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It sounds like there's two things going on here.
Firstly, at school there will be a very clear and well defined structure. This makes it very very easy for him to 'conform'. However, that doesn't mean his autism just disappears, he's having to work twice as hard as everyone else just to 'fit in', so when he gets home he needs to release the stress and strain he has been bottling up all day.
Secondly, and please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you're trying to make him be something he is not. If so. Stop it! You will never win. You can not win. But that does not mean you should just give up. You need to accept him for who he is a find ways to work with him to find solutions to your problems.
You may find a more structured, ordered, homelife will help. Try giving him a clear, visual, timetable. And incorporate into it some physical activity that will allow him to release the pent up frustration as soon as he comes home from school.
But, if you find a timetable doesn't work, or makes things work don't persist with it (but give a chance to work, don't give up straight away).
Another thing you could try is bribes. We, on the spectrum, are often reward motivated, so, if you won't to get him to do something you need to say "If you do X you'll get Y", not "If you don't do X, you won't get Y" - it's a subtle, but important difference.