Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I am the mother of an 11 tear old with Asperger's who was diagnosed when he was four. Frankly I feel like I can't carry on. He behaves wonderfully at school and has found the transition to high school much easier than we had hoped. At home he is a nightmare (but not all the time). He swears incessantly (I think he likes the sound of the words), argues, and when he gets angry he bangs doors and kicks the furniture. He can't amuse himself very often. He has never has a friend and relies on me and my husband for constant entertainment. He likes to play on video games but gets extremely cross with them when he can't do something. He won't play out. He is grumpy and rude a lot of the time. I find him infuriating. He soils himself, wets the bed and won't go to the toilet at aone. The only advice anyone ever gives is "Write a social story" These don't work. I am sick to death of the whole situation and can't really see the point of anything - is this going to be the rest of my life. I fantasise about running away with my daughter but am not quite horrible enough to do that. I know I should just focus on him but I just don't know how to help.
Has anyone else ever felt like giving up?
It sounds like there's two things going on here.
Firstly, at school there will be a very clear and well defined structure. This makes it very very easy for him to 'conform'. However, that doesn't mean his autism just disappears, he's having to work twice as hard as everyone else just to 'fit in', so when he gets home he needs to release the stress and strain he has been bottling up all day.
Secondly, and please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you're trying to make him be something he is not. If so. Stop it! You will never win. You can not win. But that does not mean you should just give up. You need to accept him for who he is a find ways to work with him to find solutions to your problems.
You may find a more structured, ordered, homelife will help. Try giving him a clear, visual, timetable. And incorporate into it some physical activity that will allow him to release the pent up frustration as soon as he comes home from school.
But, if you find a timetable doesn't work, or makes things work don't persist with it (but give a chance to work, don't give up straight away).
Another thing you could try is bribes. We, on the spectrum, are often reward motivated, so, if you won't to get him to do something you need to say "If you do X you'll get Y", not "If you don't do X, you won't get Y" - it's a subtle, but important difference.