how do i make and keep friends???

Do you mind me asking how many number plates you can remember?

davek75 said:

"hi how are you?" i then give them the long story of my life in return and then blurt out this.. " oh by the way you drive a red car, and your reg number is blah blah blah!!" they find this extremely odd and if not a little stalkerish!

As longman said, people don't want the story of your life. People want to know that you are well and a few interesting events. You have to stop yourself before you get too carried away. You then need to reciprocate by asking them about themselves. You have to genuinely be as interested in their story as you are engrossed in your own life story. A conversation is a two way exchange of tidbits of information. Try and relate the things you say to the last thing that the other person says, Don't go off at a tangent, do try and link things together. I honestly don't know when you could bring number plates into a conversation! If you are asked about your hobbies you could mention it in passing but it won't spark much of a conversational thread.

if you don't show an interest in the other person's story then they won't find your company very rewarding.

Is there an adult NAS group or NHS autism support group that you could join? Perhaps you could get some face to face practice and training there?

True about health professionals and lots of other people. If asked or told I don't seem autistic I say that the appearance of normality is no guide to the effort required to acheive it - its exhausting.

I have no real clue to the mystical way that NTs make friends. I went on a day's mountainbiking course for women - I'll meet other people I thought. Six women, we all chatted but by the end everyone else but me had swapped numbers and arranged to meet for rides. No idea what I did wrong or didn't do at all.

I would like some good friends rather than acquaintances. But if I could only get them by pretending to be something I'm not, would they really be my friends? They wouldn't know the real me, only a person who worked hard at the right amount of eye contact, made sure to ask the right questions and to appear interested in the right places.

Hi Davek, I'm well. Glad to hear things have improved a lot.

I guess I was lucky - two things help me - I can write well and I got onto committees early

I'm very fortunate not having dyslexia, so many people on the spectrum have dyslexia as well. So I learned to be good at written communication, even if I couldn't back up the effect in person.

From quite early on I got involved in committees. As long as they are properly run, people speaking via the chairperson, I'm OK; noisy committees with lots of raised voices adversely affect me. But being involved in all kinds of committees has given me a better understanding of the patter needed to make small talk. I've just had to get some expected phrases into my head to remember to use them at the right moment. I'm still very vulnerable if things don't go the expected way.

Committees come up everywhere there is a society or organisation, and are used by NTs to govern procedure and good practice. I've just learned to shine at doing them, including chairing them. NTs aren't keen on committees so an aspie can find a role in them.

The thing not to do is try and give people a biography of yourself. That's hard to avoid. Ask about the other person (s). You'll usually find they say little. Most of social conversation is inanely pointless. NTs constantly seek reassurance about the other people around them and they use small talk to gauge whether others are friends or foes. Are they going to be supportive or undermine them?

Your autistic spectrum difficulties will probably be spotted, and while they may classify you unfairly, they will probably make allowances and not get too upset if your conversation isn't quite what they would normally expect.

There is a greater danger if you are milder end autism, passable for NT most of the time, because if you only periodically do odd things they tend to react to individual instances, get suspicious that you are trying to disrespect or insult them and go on the defensive.

Hence what health professionals often misunderstand about abler end autism - if you mostly appear OK they assume there is no problem. In fact, if NTs read occasional slip ups they can be very hostile and this makes things very much harder for milder end aspies. They are worse affected by social interaction than if they were more obviously on the spectrum.

hi longman,

how are you?...

hope everything is going well??...

my living circumstances have changed dramaticly since the last time i was on here, i do pop back from time to time for the advice and wisdom of many of the members here...

i am currently living in 1 bed flat, i have a regular income again and things on that side of my life couldnt be any better! no more sleeping rough and staying under bridges thank you for asking... 

i now would like some friends to fill my empty life...

i find communication extremely difficult and have limited intrests, small talk, and friendly gestures are way beyond my comprehension! i simply dont understand!

my intrests are music, computers, and car registration plates! i know abit strange as it often freaks people out! the conversation goes something like this....

"hi how are you?" i then give them the long story of my life in return and then blurt out this.. " oh by the way you drive a red car, and your reg number is blah blah blah!!" they find this extremely odd and if not a little stalkerish! :)

my eye contact is very limited, and i have in the past tried to change this... but have been told i give an intense "stare through you look!"... so i try not to do that anymore!

i find the art of small talk completely bewildering, as body language and facial expressions dont register on my brain either!!...

i find social interaction very intimidating as i feel im constantly being judged because im a little different... id like to learn how to mimic the small tall talk nt's do but find it very hard!... i never quite get how they do it!...

im very observant and i often focus on what others are doing which might give the impression im not listening or interested in what others are saying... i can see how this would put others off. im open to the idea of networking as i can be myself behind a screen without being intimidated or made to feel out of place... im also open and quite like the idea of emailing and keeping in touch with people too...

however i always hit the same barriers... what to talk about??? :(

i have a very limited knowledge of normal life, and it will always be a case of i dont fit in! but barriers are meant to be overcome and i will try my best to make contact with ohers and to maybe make some friends! 

i appreciate there are no easy answers, and i thank you for your time and input...

one more question... how did you learn the patter of chat??? 

thanks again

dave :)

Hi

As Longman says, no easy answers - but I'm sure you weren't expecting any!

I do think that NT people will socialise for the sake of it, we are not comfortable with that. I think we need a purpose to meet and maintain contact. For instance someone who was into cycling might join a club, go on regular rides and make friends through this shared interest. That avoids the need for useless small talk and social activities with no point.

Hi Davek, hope you have somewhere safe to live and an income now.

The friendship thing has long puzzled me. I've no easy answers, but you have to think about what you want from friendship. I have lots of acquaintances - I don't get close to them, indeed I scare off any that do.

I've learned a lot of the patter needed. I used to answer "how are you?" with a long diatribe about my woes. It took years to break that habit and take an interest in them. I can manage chatting short-term, before anyone realises I'm acting out scripts.

Having interests in common with someone can be enough to sustain a connection, and I do have to work at being interested in them. That sometimes ends up one sided, where I don't get much out of it. But it offers some social connection.

My eye contact is weird. I get tired quickly when with someone else and clearly am perceived to be bored with them I find conversation very difficult. So I just don't have "friends" in the NT sense (hence my mobile phone is off for days!).  But because I take an interest in other people, and am outgoing and get involved, I know a lot of people, and am always saying hello to people (despite often not having the foggiest idea who they are). So I'm never totally without acquantances, but I live alone and do most things on my own. I'm mostly content with that.

However I have sustained many long term friendships, mostly by writing and emailing rather than much in the way of meeting. Also being retired I do miss the regular dialogue with students who just took my oddity as natural for an oldie lecturer.

I think it must be very hard for younger people, and I'd count 40 as young. There is a lot of pressure to "network" and engage with others. So there is probably more sense of need for friends. So I can well understand a desperation for having friends.

thank you i really understand how you feel and what you wrote... :)

hi hope,

yes i totally understand what your explaining, in my younger years i only had 1 friend in school, it stayed like that for at least 3 months... then it was just me, i spent the remainder of my childhood entertaining myself and amusing those that found me "strange!!"... i do understand the "black and white" of friendships, just cant grasp the unspoken side or the smalltalk of any situation... social activities make me on edge and im more often than not feeling intimidated and i stay silent! i dont understand the give and take of friendships and cant grasp the whole "relationship thing" i always end up on my own... although having friends is nice while it lasts and i enjoy it! 

thank you for replying and taking the time to read what i wrote! 

:)

I also struggle to make and keep friends. I have many acquaintances from my volunteering work, and I meet people at an Asperger social group, but I just do not understand what constitutes a friend and how to keep friendships going. I found it slightly easier to make friends as a child, but I only made a friend with someone in my class when I was 8-9 years old, and even then I struggled to maintain this friendship. I mainly played with children who were a lot younger than me, and often spent long periods of time amusing myself. Once I entered secondary school, friendship became more about sharing interests and feelings, and this 'small-talk' evaded my grasp. I have got a lot better with the basics of small talk since I have become an adult, but it is the subtleties of friendship that is the hardest thing to understand. You know who your friends are as a child because it is stated in black and white, but adult friendships follow an unspoken understanding. I can't 'do' unspoken understandings, I need things spelled out. Moreover I do not enjoy large social gatherings and socialising for the pure sake of socialising - I always feel like I am acting a part, and it is too much effort. I also struggle with the 'give and take' of friendships.

hi susie,

how do you get friends to stick by you?? mine all find out im autistic and we kind of go our seperate ways.... i dont do social situations as i find these very intimidating, i also find talking to females very awkward as i dont know what to say or how to say it... i find body language officially from outer space... and facial expressions might as well not exsist!! id love to have just one friend who would like to be my genuine friend! :)

your so lucky to have found a few that truely want your friendship, i hope you continue to be friends... thank you for taking the time to reply!! :)

I am so sorry you feel this way. Maybe it's not you, it could be other people.

however, do you make an effort to keep in touch whilst still not overcrowding people? A friendly text twice a week and a phone call once every two or three weeks, and trying to meet up every few months is probably the right balance I think anyway.

it is hard, but try to make sure you discuss things which are of interest to them as well as you.

I am ssure you are a lovely person. People just need to get to know you and everything you have to offer.

p.s. I bet there are people who would call themselves your friends. Maybe you just need to notice them?

I get tired of being alone too. I am very fortunate in that I have friends who "stick by me" but even my closest friends struggle with me and I've never been able to find anyone who truly accepts me for who and what I am. Often I feel inferior and somehow lacking. 

One of the things that I struggle most with is office/friendship politics - I think my honesty overides any inclusion in these!

It would be good to be able to share lives and accept differences in real life.

thank you for your advice i really would like to change this, im tired of being alone! :(

You aren't alone, this is entirely normal with Aspergers. Social communication issues are at the root of the syndrome. However, there are things you can do about it to have a better life. There are sections in "Living Well on the Spectrum" by Valerie Gaus on Building Relationships and Dating etc. I highly recommend this book as it is full of practical advice about the whys and wherefores of ASD and the things that you can do to build a more sustainable social life.