how do i make and keep friends???

Hi Davek, hope you have somewhere safe to live and an income now.

The friendship thing has long puzzled me. I've no easy answers, but you have to think about what you want from friendship. I have lots of acquaintances - I don't get close to them, indeed I scare off any that do.

I've learned a lot of the patter needed. I used to answer "how are you?" with a long diatribe about my woes. It took years to break that habit and take an interest in them. I can manage chatting short-term, before anyone realises I'm acting out scripts.

Having interests in common with someone can be enough to sustain a connection, and I do have to work at being interested in them. That sometimes ends up one sided, where I don't get much out of it. But it offers some social connection.

My eye contact is weird. I get tired quickly when with someone else and clearly am perceived to be bored with them I find conversation very difficult. So I just don't have "friends" in the NT sense (hence my mobile phone is off for days!).  But because I take an interest in other people, and am outgoing and get involved, I know a lot of people, and am always saying hello to people (despite often not having the foggiest idea who they are). So I'm never totally without acquantances, but I live alone and do most things on my own. I'm mostly content with that.

However I have sustained many long term friendships, mostly by writing and emailing rather than much in the way of meeting. Also being retired I do miss the regular dialogue with students who just took my oddity as natural for an oldie lecturer.

I think it must be very hard for younger people, and I'd count 40 as young. There is a lot of pressure to "network" and engage with others. So there is probably more sense of need for friends. So I can well understand a desperation for having friends.

Hi Davek, hope you have somewhere safe to live and an income now.

The friendship thing has long puzzled me. I've no easy answers, but you have to think about what you want from friendship. I have lots of acquaintances - I don't get close to them, indeed I scare off any that do.

I've learned a lot of the patter needed. I used to answer "how are you?" with a long diatribe about my woes. It took years to break that habit and take an interest in them. I can manage chatting short-term, before anyone realises I'm acting out scripts.

Having interests in common with someone can be enough to sustain a connection, and I do have to work at being interested in them. That sometimes ends up one sided, where I don't get much out of it. But it offers some social connection.

My eye contact is weird. I get tired quickly when with someone else and clearly am perceived to be bored with them I find conversation very difficult. So I just don't have "friends" in the NT sense (hence my mobile phone is off for days!).  But because I take an interest in other people, and am outgoing and get involved, I know a lot of people, and am always saying hello to people (despite often not having the foggiest idea who they are). So I'm never totally without acquantances, but I live alone and do most things on my own. I'm mostly content with that.

However I have sustained many long term friendships, mostly by writing and emailing rather than much in the way of meeting. Also being retired I do miss the regular dialogue with students who just took my oddity as natural for an oldie lecturer.

I think it must be very hard for younger people, and I'd count 40 as young. There is a lot of pressure to "network" and engage with others. So there is probably more sense of need for friends. So I can well understand a desperation for having friends.