My autism makes me a horrible / irredeemable person and I deserve to be dead

It may just be that those around you are unempathetic and/or uncaring to your emotions and your needs, and that might hurt you a lot, and you might blame yourself for having needs that seem to be burdening those around you. But everyone has needs, even they do. People on the autism spectrum have high or low needs. We can do some amazing things, when we are in the right environment that supports us. 

Having said that, your family is treating you badly by putting you down, and making you feel like you're a burden on them, but any adult that chooses to have children, will have children dependent on them to get their needs met, and children will be a burden, but that's to be expected, because the adults chose to have children and raise them. And if the child has special needs (emphasis on the word needs), then greater detail and care has to be provided, more than what would be typical, but that's what should be expected as well. It's their job to provide you as a child in their care, adequate care, especially for your autistic needs. 

You are not hurting people by crying. You are crying because people are hurting you. Anyone putting you down for having emotions, must not have any of their own. I would agree with Uhane, in that it does sound like narcissistic abuse, as I've gone through that myself. I've also felt like a burden on others, to the point that I wanted to exit life, but instead I learned to exit on them instead. 

It sounds like you want the pain to end, not your life to end?

This is harder, as you have revealed quite a lot of pain, so I want to congratulate you on your bravery in putting that out there. It isn't easy, not everyone can do it, but you have very good perception and reflection abilities that will help if you follow Iain's suggestion of tackling some of this on your own.

The one thing I would say helped me (also hyper sensitive and can't hide emotions for long, thoughts of suicide in the past, believing that the opinion of others is my reality) was getting it out - either to a person, or in a journal. Journals can have words and images, mind maps, random thoughts and long verbal outpourings. Anything, to get it all out and start processing it. Make sure you keep it in a safe place, shred it when done! My favourite is to type on the computer, bashing away at the keyboard, and deleting it without saving it... that way I get all the rubbish out but I never have to read it again! Screaming at the seaside on a dark miserable wet day is amazingly therapeutic, with only the birds close by.

I know at school we say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" but that is garbage while we believe someone else's reality/opinion is higher priority than our own. These people who called you names? 99% of them were projecting their own garbage on to you. This is particularly true with the narcissistic people out there, and a few scientific research studies say they are growing in number... something to do with self-esteem - they make themselves feel better about their own insecurities by putting you down. 

Hi there. I thought I'd like to share this Youtube video of Ellie Middleton in a TED talk that I find helpful at the times when I curse my  autism. Her talk doesn't quite match your experiences, but I hope that it might help you. We all need to be kinder to ourselves, because often the world around us can be intensely difficult. Take care of yourself.

The video is 13 minutes long, so I had to watch it in sections due to my concentration problems.

Stay safe.

.

Well well, you have quite a long and specific lists of attributes you've assigned to yourself that seem to derive from what others think.

First off, it seems, from what you've given us, that you have been exposed to, perhaps for a very long time, a narcissist.

Please read the list from the link below and see if it fits:

https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#smear-campaigns

Now:

Let's talk about guilt.This seems to be your overarching malady.

Feeling guilty implies a fixed judgement that cannot be altered.

These judgement mat not be valid at all but imposed from the outside.

The world is a dynamic place and past actions can be corrected with more positive future ones.

Feeling guilty about past actions is one thing. Feeling irreversibly stigmatized for them is another.

One way to counter the feeling of guilt is to face it and dig in to it, investigate from where it originated on your own. Advocate for yourself internally. Guilt is found, almost always, to have originated in the values imposed upon us and a negative worth placed on us for failing to meet those values.

There is a way forward out of shame and the fear of stigma and towards feelings of positive self worth and joy:

1 - forget, and walk away from, what others think. You have been, obs, brainwashed with lots of negative adjectives about yourself that you've internalized as your own. They are not yours. 

2 - Make a list of actions you would like to take that feel like better choices than the ones you've already made. Make sure the list is NOT a list of what others expect of you! Don't share this list with anyone. Keep this list with you at all times. Make a tick next to an item each time you succeed in taking that action. Let the ticks add up. Add to the list as new and even more happy actions occur to you.

3 - Some of us are very vulnerable to what is "expected of us". This is the first battle, to overcome the expectations of others.

4 - For new friends: remember there are over 8 billion souls wandering the planet. Among them are your allays. As you release out into the world with a more positive message about yourself, you will attract more suitable and positive souls and receive more positive messages, feedback. This will become a new positive feedback loop!

Iain provides good practical advice, but if you just want to read something by someone who has had similar feelings to you and has gone on to have done very well for herself, then you should try "Strong Female Character" by Fern Brady. It is a brilliant book.

Resonates with me. I've often thought (even today) that it would be better if someone could "finish me off", as I don't feel equipped for life in the world as I find it. Still... sometimes there are minor compensations, small things that make my life bearable for short periods, perhaps. I find my pleasures in spite of society, but that's OK. The difficulty I find is that I can't share these easily with others. I have to content myself with finding some pleasure in the things that I enjoy. As for being a burden, I guess those who feel they are a burden are probably the least likely actually to be one. I'm inclined to demonise myself, but the real demons don't do that, do they?

strange take on it. 

in my experience i just saw society as the problem not myself. but then i never got diagnosed, never got the official help which would likely push the narrative that im the different one at fault lol

i think this is the difference between diagnosis and no diagnosis. without name and diagnosis for it jjst growing up any issue you see as the issue of society, society breeding majority crap people and groups that seemingly all dont want you in their hierarchy for some reason likely as they see you as a better target rather than a fledgling or asociate of theirs they can take under their wing. i saw myself at most as the runt, but for me as a male it was understandable as i was always small and thinner, so i just passed it off as the natural societal way of not accepting the runt/the weaker man in their social groups. but i id blame society instead of myself regardless. 

BigNoseGirly0 said:

There is no hope for me

Nah, I don't believe that.

You are suffering from crushingly low self esteem and this colours everyhing you see and think. Most of us have been there in some shape or form in out lives and I think all will tell you that there is every chance it will get better.

It hurts and it sucks but you can do something about it to make it better for you. I'm not promising you rainbows and unicorns (whoever thought a horse with a deadly weapon on its head was a nice thing anyway?) but at least a way to feel less aweful about life.

I propose a 2 pronged approach to this for you:

1 - what is done is done. Don't dwell on it beyond learning the lessons from it on what not to do again. You can't change it so stop wasting energy on it. Forgive yourself the mistakes you made and cut yourself a bit of slack - autism makes out life a misery at times so we are all going to have bad times.

2 - tackle the cause. I'm not a psychologist but from what you have written it reads as though your main issue is with emotional regulation that is spinning off and causing other issues. Learn about this and develop a way to tackle it.

If you cannot get a therapist then the following books would give you a solid understanding of the subject:

Disorders of Affect Regulation, Alexithymia in Medical and Psychiatric Illness - Graeme J. Taylor, R. Michael Bagby, James D. A. Parker (1999)  - [aimed at therapists more than the layman]
ISBN 0521778506

Integration and Self Healing - Affect, Trauma, Alexithymia - Henry Krystal (1988)
ISBN 9780881631807

If you have any way to access therapy then this is by far the best way forward but in a pinch the above can let you understand enough to make a decent go at doing some yourself.

So what is the takeaway from all this? You have a community here who understand at least some of what you are going through and have your back.

Share with us what you are stuggling with and we will help if we can and listen even if we cannot.

There is always hope if you are willing to look for it.