Published on 12, July, 2020
I just want to say that I have no intentions to kill myself. I am aware that the vast majority of suicide attempts are unsuccessful and leads to life-long disabilities. And I'm not living in a country where assisted suicide is legal (Even most countries don't allow foreigners to undergo euthanasia). I'm simply writing this because I have no one to talk to. I've already hurt enough people by opening up about my suicidal ideation. I can't get a therapist. Hence, I'm speaking up on a site where people can decide whether they want to listen or not.
With that being said, I wish it was possible for me to experience a quick and painless death because my autism has made me a selfish, emotional, childish, disgusting sack of *** who doesn't deserve to be in this world. I wish I didn't have autism. I wish it could go away. Because of it, I am highly sensitive / emotional and struggle to hide my emotions when necessary. I'm a *** who is unable to stop myself from crying and everyone has to get involved. I'm an evil *** who ruins everything and makes everyone feel like ***.
There is no hope for me. I deserve to die. My family would be better off without me. I'm a *** burden to this world. And even if I manage to hide my emotions, that doesn't mean the damage hasn't been done. I'll still forever be known as a *** *** who screams in her room alone. I've ruined my reputation and it will forever be impossible for me to make friends because that's what I would be known as for the rest of my life. I desperately want to open up to someone. But I can't. Because humans alone (besides trained psychiatrists) aren't designed to take care of someone with suicidal ideation. I wish I could kill myself so then I can no longer hurt people. I wasn't build for this world. I am better off dead.
[edited by moderator as content broke rule 4]
It sounds like you want the pain to end, not your life to end?
This is harder, as you have revealed quite a lot of pain, so I want to congratulate you on your bravery in putting that out there. It isn't easy, not everyone can do it, but you have very good perception and reflection abilities that will help if you follow Iain's suggestion of tackling some of this on your own.
The one thing I would say helped me (also hyper sensitive and can't hide emotions for long, thoughts of suicide in the past, believing that the opinion of others is my reality) was getting it out - either to a person, or in a journal. Journals can have words and images, mind maps, random thoughts and long verbal outpourings. Anything, to get it all out and start processing it. Make sure you keep it in a safe place, shred it when done! My favourite is to type on the computer, bashing away at the keyboard, and deleting it without saving it... that way I get all the rubbish out but I never have to read it again! Screaming at the seaside on a dark miserable wet day is amazingly therapeutic, with only the birds close by.
I know at school we say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" but that is garbage while we believe someone else's reality/opinion is higher priority than our own. These people who called you names? 99% of them were projecting their own garbage on to you. This is particularly true with the narcissistic people out there, and a few scientific research studies say they are growing in number... something to do with self-esteem - they make themselves feel better about their own insecurities by putting you down.