Published on 12, July, 2020
I just want to say that I have no intentions to kill myself. I am aware that the vast majority of suicide attempts are unsuccessful and leads to life-long disabilities. And I'm not living in a country where assisted suicide is legal (Even most countries don't allow foreigners to undergo euthanasia). I'm simply writing this because I have no one to talk to. I've already hurt enough people by opening up about my suicidal ideation. I can't get a therapist. Hence, I'm speaking up on a site where people can decide whether they want to listen or not.
With that being said, I wish it was possible for me to experience a quick and painless death because my autism has made me a selfish, emotional, childish, disgusting sack of *** who doesn't deserve to be in this world. I wish I didn't have autism. I wish it could go away. Because of it, I am highly sensitive / emotional and struggle to hide my emotions when necessary. I'm a *** who is unable to stop myself from crying and everyone has to get involved. I'm an evil *** who ruins everything and makes everyone feel like ***.
There is no hope for me. I deserve to die. My family would be better off without me. I'm a *** burden to this world. And even if I manage to hide my emotions, that doesn't mean the damage hasn't been done. I'll still forever be known as a *** *** who screams in her room alone. I've ruined my reputation and it will forever be impossible for me to make friends because that's what I would be known as for the rest of my life. I desperately want to open up to someone. But I can't. Because humans alone (besides trained psychiatrists) aren't designed to take care of someone with suicidal ideation. I wish I could kill myself so then I can no longer hurt people. I wasn't build for this world. I am better off dead.
[edited by moderator as content broke rule 4]
strange take on it. in my experience i just saw society as the problem not myself. but then i never got diagnosed, never got the official help which would likely push the narrative that im the different one at fault loli think this is the difference between diagnosis and no diagnosis. without name and diagnosis for it jjst growing up any issue you see as the issue of society, society breeding majority crap people and groups that seemingly all dont want you in their hierarchy for some reason likely as they see you as a better target rather than a fledgling or asociate of theirs they can take under their wing. i saw myself at most as the runt, but for me as a male it was understandable as i was always small and thinner, so i just passed it off as the natural societal way of not accepting the runt/the weaker man in their social groups. but i id blame society instead of myself regardless.