Published on 12, July, 2020
I just want to say that I have no intentions to kill myself. I am aware that the vast majority of suicide attempts are unsuccessful and leads to life-long disabilities. And I'm not living in a country where assisted suicide is legal (Even most countries don't allow foreigners to undergo euthanasia). I'm simply writing this because I have no one to talk to. I've already hurt enough people by opening up about my suicidal ideation. I can't get a therapist. Hence, I'm speaking up on a site where people can decide whether they want to listen or not.
With that being said, I wish it was possible for me to experience a quick and painless death because my autism has made me a selfish, emotional, childish, disgusting sack of *** who doesn't deserve to be in this world. I wish I didn't have autism. I wish it could go away. Because of it, I am highly sensitive / emotional and struggle to hide my emotions when necessary. I'm a *** who is unable to stop myself from crying and everyone has to get involved. I'm an evil *** who ruins everything and makes everyone feel like ***.
There is no hope for me. I deserve to die. My family would be better off without me. I'm a *** burden to this world. And even if I manage to hide my emotions, that doesn't mean the damage hasn't been done. I'll still forever be known as a *** *** who screams in her room alone. I've ruined my reputation and it will forever be impossible for me to make friends because that's what I would be known as for the rest of my life. I desperately want to open up to someone. But I can't. Because humans alone (besides trained psychiatrists) aren't designed to take care of someone with suicidal ideation. I wish I could kill myself so then I can no longer hurt people. I wasn't build for this world. I am better off dead.
[edited by moderator as content broke rule 4]
BigNoseGirly0 said:There is no hope for me
Nah, I don't believe that.
You are suffering from crushingly low self esteem and this colours everyhing you see and think. Most of us have been there in some shape or form in out lives and I think all will tell you that there is every chance it will get better.
It hurts and it sucks but you can do something about it to make it better for you. I'm not promising you rainbows and unicorns (whoever thought a horse with a deadly weapon on its head was a nice thing anyway?) but at least a way to feel less aweful about life.
I propose a 2 pronged approach to this for you:
1 - what is done is done. Don't dwell on it beyond learning the lessons from it on what not to do again. You can't change it so stop wasting energy on it. Forgive yourself the mistakes you made and cut yourself a bit of slack - autism makes out life a misery at times so we are all going to have bad times.
2 - tackle the cause. I'm not a psychologist but from what you have written it reads as though your main issue is with emotional regulation that is spinning off and causing other issues. Learn about this and develop a way to tackle it.
If you cannot get a therapist then the following books would give you a solid understanding of the subject:
Disorders of Affect Regulation, Alexithymia in Medical and Psychiatric Illness - Graeme J. Taylor, R. Michael Bagby, James D. A. Parker (1999) - [aimed at therapists more than the layman]ISBN 0521778506Integration and Self Healing - Affect, Trauma, Alexithymia - Henry Krystal (1988)ISBN 9780881631807
If you have any way to access therapy then this is by far the best way forward but in a pinch the above can let you understand enough to make a decent go at doing some yourself.
So what is the takeaway from all this? You have a community here who understand at least some of what you are going through and have your back.
Share with us what you are stuggling with and we will help if we can and listen even if we cannot.
There is always hope if you are willing to look for it.