Published on 12, July, 2020
I just want to say that I have no intentions to kill myself. I am aware that the vast majority of suicide attempts are unsuccessful and leads to life-long disabilities. And I'm not living in a country where assisted suicide is legal (Even most countries don't allow foreigners to undergo euthanasia). I'm simply writing this because I have no one to talk to. I've already hurt enough people by opening up about my suicidal ideation. I can't get a therapist. Hence, I'm speaking up on a site where people can decide whether they want to listen or not.
With that being said, I wish it was possible for me to experience a quick and painless death because my autism has made me a selfish, emotional, childish, disgusting sack of *** who doesn't deserve to be in this world. I wish I didn't have autism. I wish it could go away. Because of it, I am highly sensitive / emotional and struggle to hide my emotions when necessary. I'm a *** who is unable to stop myself from crying and everyone has to get involved. I'm an evil *** who ruins everything and makes everyone feel like ***.
There is no hope for me. I deserve to die. My family would be better off without me. I'm a *** burden to this world. And even if I manage to hide my emotions, that doesn't mean the damage hasn't been done. I'll still forever be known as a *** *** who screams in her room alone. I've ruined my reputation and it will forever be impossible for me to make friends because that's what I would be known as for the rest of my life. I desperately want to open up to someone. But I can't. Because humans alone (besides trained psychiatrists) aren't designed to take care of someone with suicidal ideation. I wish I could kill myself so then I can no longer hurt people. I wasn't build for this world. I am better off dead.
[edited by moderator as content broke rule 4]
Well well, you have quite a long and specific lists of attributes you've assigned to yourself that seem to derive from what others think.
First off, it seems, from what you've given us, that you have been exposed to, perhaps for a very long time, a narcissist.
Please read the list from the link below and see if it fits:
https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#smear-campaigns
Now:
Let's talk about guilt.This seems to be your overarching malady.
Feeling guilty implies a fixed judgement that cannot be altered.
These judgement mat not be valid at all but imposed from the outside.
The world is a dynamic place and past actions can be corrected with more positive future ones.
Feeling guilty about past actions is one thing. Feeling irreversibly stigmatized for them is another.
One way to counter the feeling of guilt is to face it and dig in to it, investigate from where it originated on your own. Advocate for yourself internally. Guilt is found, almost always, to have originated in the values imposed upon us and a negative worth placed on us for failing to meet those values.
There is a way forward out of shame and the fear of stigma and towards feelings of positive self worth and joy:
1 - forget, and walk away from, what others think. You have been, obs, brainwashed with lots of negative adjectives about yourself that you've internalized as your own. They are not yours.
2 - Make a list of actions you would like to take that feel like better choices than the ones you've already made. Make sure the list is NOT a list of what others expect of you! Don't share this list with anyone. Keep this list with you at all times. Make a tick next to an item each time you succeed in taking that action. Let the ticks add up. Add to the list as new and even more happy actions occur to you.
3 - Some of us are very vulnerable to what is "expected of us". This is the first battle, to overcome the expectations of others.
4 - For new friends: remember there are over 8 billion souls wandering the planet. Among them are your allays. As you release out into the world with a more positive message about yourself, you will attract more suitable and positive souls and receive more positive messages, feedback. This will become a new positive feedback loop!