Published on 12, July, 2020
I just want to say that I have no intentions to kill myself. I am aware that the vast majority of suicide attempts are unsuccessful and leads to life-long disabilities. And I'm not living in a country where assisted suicide is legal (Even most countries don't allow foreigners to undergo euthanasia). I'm simply writing this because I have no one to talk to. I've already hurt enough people by opening up about my suicidal ideation. I can't get a therapist. Hence, I'm speaking up on a site where people can decide whether they want to listen or not.
With that being said, I wish it was possible for me to experience a quick and painless death because my autism has made me a selfish, emotional, childish, disgusting sack of *** who doesn't deserve to be in this world. I wish I didn't have autism. I wish it could go away. Because of it, I am highly sensitive / emotional and struggle to hide my emotions when necessary. I'm a selfish whore who is unable to stop myself from crying and everyone has to get involved. I'm an evil *** who ruins everything and makes everyone feel like ***.
There is no hope for me. I deserve to die. My family would be better off without me. I'm a fucking burden to this world. And even if I manage to hide my emotions, that doesn't mean the damage hasn't been done. I'll still forever be known as a psycho *** who screams in her room alone. I've ruined my reputation and it will forever be impossible for me to make friends because that's what I would be known as for the rest of my life. I desperately want to open up to someone. But I can't. Because humans alone (besides trained psychiatrists) aren't designed to take care of someone with suicidal ideation. I wish I could kill myself so then I can no longer hurt people. I wasn't build for this world. I am better off dead.
It may just be that those around you are unempathetic and/or uncaring to your emotions and your needs, and that might hurt you a lot, and you might blame yourself for having needs that seem to be burdening those around you. But everyone has needs, even they do. People on the autism spectrum have high or low needs. We can do some amazing things, when we are in the right environment that supports us.
Having said that, your family is treating you badly by putting you down, and making you feel like you're a burden on them, but any adult that chooses to have children, will have children dependent on them to get their needs met, and children will be a burden, but that's to be expected, because the adults chose to have children and raise them. And if the child has special needs (emphasis on the word needs), then greater detail and care has to be provided, more than what would be typical, but that's what should be expected as well. It's their job to provide you as a child in their care, adequate care, especially for your autistic needs.
You are not hurting people by crying. You are crying because people are hurting you. Anyone putting you down for having emotions, must not have any of their own. I would agree with Uhane, in that it does sound like narcissistic abuse, as I've gone through that myself. I've also felt like a burden on others, to the point that I wanted to exit life, but instead I learned to exit on them instead.