I have no reason to be alive

that is not my experience of New Zealanders.

Hello @GD ,

Thank you for sharing this with the Community. I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help. 

Please do reach out if you need any support.

All the best,

ChloeMod

Just to say. I cannot access any of these links.
But TBH, I am kinda done with reading self help. For instance, one option is usually joining a Autism support group. There is only one in my area & I am not within their criteria because I am over 18.
I think the older generation are really left to fend for themselves most of the time!

I know how you feel. I am so tired of existing. Its only my faith which keeps me going, You are not alone. Reach out if you are in crisis, you have here so well done!

Agreed you haven't upset anyone it's the mods that are wrong..sorry but there's a lot of.box ticking and self help leaflets.. enough already..we need real open honest talk

God how I hate self help leaflets in fact that's what's wrong with the world....yes speak whatever you want to say..you should as that's what we are lacking in...did you know in new zealand they have a massive suicide problem and it's because the men there are expected to be brave and not be sad etc..they can't talk about it..and that's the problem.

Yeah just know that you are not alone...many others go through what you do...it is the same for my son...I am on suicide watch at least once a month. I tell you this as I don't think we are open and candid about thus subject and it's important it is talked about openly as its the truth.Im no psychology expert and to be frank with my own son even however much I love him and he has every right to feel so down..there is times there is nothing I can do..as ultimately he has to learn to deal with this himself..he won't learn anything if others do it for him. So there will be advice on here and I know you will read it but when your mind is in that depression you won't be able to take on any of the positive suggestions about any of it... if you need to seek out iether professionalhelp to keep watch on you if youre that vulnerable.sometimes depression  can come and go and if this is the case the only advice I'll give is to tell you to not take any drugs or alcohol when you're depressed as this will make you possibly act on harming yourself as your not thinking clearly..ie did you know that 98% of people who attempted suicide and failed regret ever attempting it. If your depression is more permanent and lasts months for example I'd get yourself to the doctors for medication...I know a lot of what they prescribe don't help but prozac should. Also if you can in whatever way works for you..try to open up and let trustworthy friends and or family know.Also you may feel that you're done and there is no point and i get it but also know that a lot of people who were suicidal  or depressed did in fact reach in later life a happier mental state ...I'm saying don't let your mental state whilst depressed dictate what you do as you have to know that sometimes our minds are working as they should and just be aware of that....it's possible later on say weeks months or yrs etc you may feel differently and come.out of this depression and you'll be glad you didn't listen to your depressed mind etc.

Hi NAS80873

I'm really glad you messaged because I know very much what you feel like. Talk is cheap so I want to give you a little of my experience to hopefully show you I know what I'm talking about.

Aged 18 I thought to myself - if I had to live my whole childhood again or die, I would choose to die.  I wouldn't want to go through that again so empty of love, meaning, fun, happiness.  It was horrible.

I went to Uni for 3 years and by enlarge those had their ups and downs, but they were great times.

Since then I lost my job/career was returned to a place which I hated, had children, felt guilty about not providing a good life for them. Spent 20 years in the depths of depression, the only thing keeping me alive was guilt.  Guilt of feeling as though if I died I'd leave my children sad and without a father.  So the only reason I was alive was to not make their lives worse.  There was no value to life, there was no point in getting up the next day, the thought of living into my 60s was awful.  I used to spend ages wishing and praying for cancer, something which would take my life without me feeling guilty about suicide.  This wasn't "a bad patch" it was simply life, it had been going on forever. Nothing made it better, I was without hope.

I'd been paying for therapy for 2 years, but things started to feel stale and wasn't progressing in anyway, I left.  A few years later things got so bad I went to the "Crisis Team" and mental health hospital.  While there being assessed one nurse said to me "...have you ever been tested for Autism?" I said no.

The trouble was, I had been working in SEN Education for many many years, so I thought I knew a great deal about Autism from the students I worked with.  But it turns out I didn't.  I knew a lot about "learning needs" - but Autism is something different.

I'm assuming you're autistic (because you're on this site) - do you know much about Autism and Depression?

The reason I ask is because I don't want to patronise you if you already know, but if you don't know a lot about it - it may come as some reassurance that Autism and Depression is common. Rather like bullying, one of those burdens we face.

I'm making another assumption that your therapist you're seeing is making suggestions to you which would be better for a neurotypical person rather than someone like us.  It's not to say that their style of therapy won't work - however, if you understood more about Autism and You, and how you process thoughts and the world - I feel really confident this would help.

The reason I say this, is that the last couple of months of my life have felt better, like - almost too good to be true good, and the reasons I think are multiple.  The important word there is MULTIPLE. 

- I started/joined an ASD peer support group for people in my area who wanted to meet (we meet once a month)

- I joined a "mens shed" organisation designed to end loneliness

- I've started doing yoga once a week

- I've volunteered at an Autistic charity to provide help for other people

Throughout these things, I've surrounded myself with Autistic people who know what it's like to feel f******* s***. They know what it's like not to want to "join in" they've fallen out with loved ones because of basic things they should or shouldn't do or say.

I'm going to make one more final assumption here - I think you feel the way you do because of your autism, because you feel alone now, you look back and you have been alone your whole life.  As I said to my Human Resources manager - I would like to say being autistic is a mixed blessing, but it isn't its a pain in the ***.

But the good news is I REALLY HONESTLY FEEL that you being here right now is a good thing for you.  But it's only a start.  Can I suggest you have a Google and see what Autism support groups you have near where you live.  Try and find the strength to reach out to one and see if you can join/volunteer.

Surround yourself with others like you, you don't deserve to be on your own, we need to support each other.

xxxxx

Life is a journey! 

You didn't upset anyone. It's the mods that are in the wrong.

If you can't post a message like that, looking for support here, where are you supposed to find any support?

There was nothing wrong with what you wrote.

Honestly, I feel the same. Some days are worse than others. However, even on good days it feels like there is no reason to live. Regardless of what I have or haven't got in life. At this point, I just go day to day hoping one day I won't feel like this. 

The only thing that seems to help is on bad days keep myself safe at home, on other days I try set goals to achieve at some point. Sometimes it's just make it through the day, others are make sure I go see the GP in the next year.

I want to give the whole sepal that it will get better, but that  mentality is so hard to think. I hope you find things that give you joy, even it's small and I hope one day you think back and go ohh.... It's not as bad as it used to be. 

If you're going to therapy, keep at it and be honest with yourself. Talking about things will help, just airing things out get it of your chest. 

Sending my love I know you might not believe it but this stranger genuinely hopes you keep battling to find things that make you happy. We might not know each other, but I honestly wish you the best and I will think about you hoping you're okay for the foreseeable future. 

You have every reason to be alive and god loves you! Keep on living for the world will not be the same without you!! You deserve to live and have every reason to do so!! Never doubt yourself!! You are right they are wrong!!

I hope you are okay. Keep fighting, look for beyond the storm because that day will come. We're all here with you. X

I am sorry if I upset anyone. Been told off by moderators via email and send the usual self help resources and help line numbers. 

You are actively resisting your own best interests. Find the person within who has the joyous will to thrive. They ARE there. This is the person you need to talk with and they are always there waiting for you to turn your self-worth their way. 

If 'reality' is not to your liking then avoid looking at it. Turn your gaze toward that which brings you joy and enthusiasm, no matter how small: a cup of warm beverage, the cat's fur, a lark.

Let that seed of joy grow with practice into a joyous regard.

This, the stuff that dreams are made of, is, itself, the "making stuff up to keep alive": That is all any of us ever do, can ever do. That is the very definition of life.

SO Make up joyopus stuff! You got this!!

I am looking for reasons to keep going  and there aren't any.

I haven't designed any spaceships and I don't know what is outside of my range of perception. 

Good for you.

Doesn't mean my life will get better.

Watching animals won't pay my rent.

I will never be a mom. I can't afford them and i can barely look after myself.

I guess you're still pretty young too 

Thank you Karin, I am in therapy.  It won't change the reality of things for me though.

I can't imagine what you're going through and don't know the details of your circumstances, but all I'll say is that there will always be a day when you look back and are glad you kept going and realise how bad it has been but was worth getting through.

That day will come, I hope it's soon for you and you feel better and look back at this thread and say to yourself "wow I must have been in a bad place but I'm not now".

That sounds like a hard situation to be in, definitely worth talking to someone and finding some support.

My personal experience is I felt this way in myself for a long time, but with therapy was able to start seeing that I wasn't seeing or remembering times when I felt happy or content, I could only see and remember the bleakness.