I have no reason to be alive

Hi NAS80873

I'm really glad you messaged because I know very much what you feel like. Talk is cheap so I want to give you a little of my experience to hopefully show you I know what I'm talking about.

Aged 18 I thought to myself - if I had to live my whole childhood again or die, I would choose to die.  I wouldn't want to go through that again so empty of love, meaning, fun, happiness.  It was horrible.

I went to Uni for 3 years and by enlarge those had their ups and downs, but they were great times.

Since then I lost my job/career was returned to a place which I hated, had children, felt guilty about not providing a good life for them. Spent 20 years in the depths of depression, the only thing keeping me alive was guilt.  Guilt of feeling as though if I died I'd leave my children sad and without a father.  So the only reason I was alive was to not make their lives worse.  There was no value to life, there was no point in getting up the next day, the thought of living into my 60s was awful.  I used to spend ages wishing and praying for cancer, something which would take my life without me feeling guilty about suicide.  This wasn't "a bad patch" it was simply life, it had been going on forever. Nothing made it better, I was without hope.

I'd been paying for therapy for 2 years, but things started to feel stale and wasn't progressing in anyway, I left.  A few years later things got so bad I went to the "Crisis Team" and mental health hospital.  While there being assessed one nurse said to me "...have you ever been tested for Autism?" I said no.

The trouble was, I had been working in SEN Education for many many years, so I thought I knew a great deal about Autism from the students I worked with.  But it turns out I didn't.  I knew a lot about "learning needs" - but Autism is something different.

I'm assuming you're autistic (because you're on this site) - do you know much about Autism and Depression?

The reason I ask is because I don't want to patronise you if you already know, but if you don't know a lot about it - it may come as some reassurance that Autism and Depression is common. Rather like bullying, one of those burdens we face.

I'm making another assumption that your therapist you're seeing is making suggestions to you which would be better for a neurotypical person rather than someone like us.  It's not to say that their style of therapy won't work - however, if you understood more about Autism and You, and how you process thoughts and the world - I feel really confident this would help.

The reason I say this, is that the last couple of months of my life have felt better, like - almost too good to be true good, and the reasons I think are multiple.  The important word there is MULTIPLE. 

- I started/joined an ASD peer support group for people in my area who wanted to meet (we meet once a month)

- I joined a "mens shed" organisation designed to end loneliness

- I've started doing yoga once a week

- I've volunteered at an Autistic charity to provide help for other people

Throughout these things, I've surrounded myself with Autistic people who know what it's like to feel f******* s***. They know what it's like not to want to "join in" they've fallen out with loved ones because of basic things they should or shouldn't do or say.

I'm going to make one more final assumption here - I think you feel the way you do because of your autism, because you feel alone now, you look back and you have been alone your whole life.  As I said to my Human Resources manager - I would like to say being autistic is a mixed blessing, but it isn't its a pain in the ***.

But the good news is I REALLY HONESTLY FEEL that you being here right now is a good thing for you.  But it's only a start.  Can I suggest you have a Google and see what Autism support groups you have near where you live.  Try and find the strength to reach out to one and see if you can join/volunteer.

Surround yourself with others like you, you don't deserve to be on your own, we need to support each other.

xxxxx

Hi NAS80873

I'm really glad you messaged because I know very much what you feel like. Talk is cheap so I want to give you a little of my experience to hopefully show you I know what I'm talking about.

Aged 18 I thought to myself - if I had to live my whole childhood again or die, I would choose to die.  I wouldn't want to go through that again so empty of love, meaning, fun, happiness.  It was horrible.

I went to Uni for 3 years and by enlarge those had their ups and downs, but they were great times.

Since then I lost my job/career was returned to a place which I hated, had children, felt guilty about not providing a good life for them. Spent 20 years in the depths of depression, the only thing keeping me alive was guilt.  Guilt of feeling as though if I died I'd leave my children sad and without a father.  So the only reason I was alive was to not make their lives worse.  There was no value to life, there was no point in getting up the next day, the thought of living into my 60s was awful.  I used to spend ages wishing and praying for cancer, something which would take my life without me feeling guilty about suicide.  This wasn't "a bad patch" it was simply life, it had been going on forever. Nothing made it better, I was without hope.

I'd been paying for therapy for 2 years, but things started to feel stale and wasn't progressing in anyway, I left.  A few years later things got so bad I went to the "Crisis Team" and mental health hospital.  While there being assessed one nurse said to me "...have you ever been tested for Autism?" I said no.

The trouble was, I had been working in SEN Education for many many years, so I thought I knew a great deal about Autism from the students I worked with.  But it turns out I didn't.  I knew a lot about "learning needs" - but Autism is something different.

I'm assuming you're autistic (because you're on this site) - do you know much about Autism and Depression?

The reason I ask is because I don't want to patronise you if you already know, but if you don't know a lot about it - it may come as some reassurance that Autism and Depression is common. Rather like bullying, one of those burdens we face.

I'm making another assumption that your therapist you're seeing is making suggestions to you which would be better for a neurotypical person rather than someone like us.  It's not to say that their style of therapy won't work - however, if you understood more about Autism and You, and how you process thoughts and the world - I feel really confident this would help.

The reason I say this, is that the last couple of months of my life have felt better, like - almost too good to be true good, and the reasons I think are multiple.  The important word there is MULTIPLE. 

- I started/joined an ASD peer support group for people in my area who wanted to meet (we meet once a month)

- I joined a "mens shed" organisation designed to end loneliness

- I've started doing yoga once a week

- I've volunteered at an Autistic charity to provide help for other people

Throughout these things, I've surrounded myself with Autistic people who know what it's like to feel f******* s***. They know what it's like not to want to "join in" they've fallen out with loved ones because of basic things they should or shouldn't do or say.

I'm going to make one more final assumption here - I think you feel the way you do because of your autism, because you feel alone now, you look back and you have been alone your whole life.  As I said to my Human Resources manager - I would like to say being autistic is a mixed blessing, but it isn't its a pain in the ***.

But the good news is I REALLY HONESTLY FEEL that you being here right now is a good thing for you.  But it's only a start.  Can I suggest you have a Google and see what Autism support groups you have near where you live.  Try and find the strength to reach out to one and see if you can join/volunteer.

Surround yourself with others like you, you don't deserve to be on your own, we need to support each other.

xxxxx