My World Is Falling Apart

I feel the same way. Nothing seems to help me/helped me at all! I get mood swings and racing thoughts every waking moment of my life. I have found solace in art, spirituality, music and video games. Are there any hobbies or interests you can throw yourself into? Sending virtual hugs :3

Hi, I haven't shared the private report with GP, because when I was referred for NHS assessment it was rejected. I'm my area adults can only have an autism assessment if they have a low IQ. The GP and myself, with help from NAS contested the decision and funding was granted, so i dont want to risk jeopardizing getting an NHS assessment. 

Work is particularly difficult for me at present. In a previous job I could be more myself, and if anyone made comment then I would say I had Peter Pan syndrome and can't grow up. In my current job I have to be professional. I was there a year and a half before a depressive episode hit me for 19 months. I've been there 5 years. During the depression is when I had my private assessment. I don't k ow if it's connected, but coming out of that episode I feel like I left part of me behind, or I became somehow rewritten or unwritten. It's hard to describe. 

I haven't accepted the diagnosis, simply because I'm told I can't be and that it was wrong. I'm left confused at how life is getting harder, confused that although autism makes sense to me, others don't see it. And confused at how I'm struggling with work.

Basically I'm just very confused.

Deepthought said:

the diagnostic hangover ~ as normally lasts about four and half years or so on average?

Thanks to everyone that’s commented on this thread. I am going through a really rough time at the moment like a lot of you and every person that has contributed to this thread has enlightened me. 

the above quote caught my attention. I am self diagnosed about a year and a half ago. Keep having thoughts that my life will never pick up again as what I saw before as social anxiety and something that can be worked on has now turned into something incurable. Is this just part of the diagnostic hangover? Are there any articles or links anyone has so I can read more on this theory as it’s very interesting to me? 

Kate Kestrel said:

The cliche about autistic people not having empathy is absolute rubbish. 

Hence the following abstract / summary and a link to the whole paper:

On the ontological status of autism: The 'double empathy problem'.

In recent decades there has been much debate over the ontological status of autism and other neurological ‘disorders’, diagnosed by behavioural indicators, and theorised primarily within the field of cognitive neuroscience and psychological paradigms. Such cognitive-behavioural discourses abstain from acknowledging the universal issue of relationality and interaction in the formation of a contested and constantly reconstructed social reality, produced through the agency of its ‘actors’ (Garfinkel, 1967). The nature of these contested interactions will be explored in this current issues piece through the use of the term the ‘double empathy problem’ (Milton 2011a), and how such a rendition produces a critique of autism being defined as a deficit in ‘theory of mind’, re-framing such issues as a question of reciprocity and mutuality.

https://kar.kent.ac.uk/62639/1/Double%20empathy%20problem.pdf

Which more simply means that autistic people are more empathically attuned to each other, just as non-autistic people are to other non-autistic people, with others of each group being able to relate just as much empathically with one group as any other group ~ whether that be human or also otherwise. 

I so agree with this! The cliche about autistic people not having empathy is absolute rubbish. 

I think anxiety causes lots of physical symptoms. Have you read about ‘hypersensitive interoception’? I think autistic people are highly sensitive to physical sensation and can find it very upsetting - and it can become a vicious circle. Both myself and my son can be extremely unsettled by any unusual physical sensation. 
Sadly the NHS is failing so many people right now - both for physical and mental health issues. Services for autistic people barely exist really. So we are left to try and help ourselves. It really shouldn’t be this way - but it is. So we have to do what we can. Best of luck x 

That's heartwarming to know I'm not the only one on the same journey. 

Pikl said:

I need to actually accept that I'm different, then accept that it's ok

Yes, this is pretty much where I am in my own attempt to build my life. My wife tries to tell me that it's OK (or more than OK), but I struggle to believe it sometimes. You're right that it's easier to type than to accept.

Thank you.

I realise today that I need to actually accept that I'm different, then accept that it's ok. Looks so easy when you type it.

You're right, this is a safe place. And I had forgotten what it feels like to be around people that are like me, and who are so kind.

The "autistics don't show empathy" thing annoys me, as many autistics I know are hyper-empathetic (I probably should include myself here). It's perspective-taking (working out what someone else would do) that we find hard, not empathy (sharing feelings).

I'm awkward and weird too! I suspect other people on this site would say they are too. Nothing to be ashamed of (but it can be hard to remember that sometimes). I don't believe you're "wrong and broken", but I feel like that sometimes (often) too.

Please don't apologise for complaining, you need to get it off your chest and this is a safe place to do it.

I sorry you're going through that. Those thoughts of mine seem to run all by themselves, and they've planned out different methods and scenarios for me also.

Keep pushing through.

I know I'm definitely not in a position to advise, I just hope you can find find your way through.

that's a lot wow idk what to say so many people said a lot so I'm leaving that is what exactly what happened to me last week tbh got into so many fights and now my life feels dull for me idk why it looks as if to me my depressive world is coming back to reality now idk what to do especially wish my suicidal feelings and idk what do do to escape this pain

Aw Im so glad! That really made me feel warm inside and made me smile

Thank you, so much. These happy tears are a very welcome change. 

Anytime, and Im always here as a friend if you need to talk, we all are . Im sorry to hear your ignored and laughed at at work, I know what thats like, its not easy. Just know that they are in the wrong not you. People make fun of anything they dont understand and the reality is they are too stupid to understand us so thats why they exclude us and make fun of us

Ive always thought us autistic people are like Humans 2.0, we are an upgrade on the exisiting species and thats why they dont understand us. Not sure if that makes sense but it helps me when I get rejected by people

Pikl said:

I'm working so  hard to be like everyone else

Please dont, you sound truly amazing the way you are :-)

Oh yes, circular thinking is definitely a trap.

Thank you so much BillyC87.

Everyone here has been so kind, and going through so much themselves, yourself  included.

I've tried CBT, it really didn't help at all, I'm not even sure how it's supposed to work.

You're right, being here is helping so much. Just feeling that I'm not alone, and having somewhere I can feel that I belong. I'm ignored at work by most, laughed at also, and I'm working so  hard to be like everyone else and also to be professional. 

I will definitely listen to your advice, and try my best to act upon it.

Thank you so much for your help.

I treat myself as I'd treat any lost soul.

I try to support myself, and give myself the time to work stuff out.

I think of myself as human first and foremost, just like our King or a Ukrainian soldier facing russian artillery or the most gaudy drag queen or even you the reader. we are all human first.

To hate others is to effectively hate yourself.

To hate yourself makes it very difficult to like others, I also found.

It can all get a bit circular, watch out for that.

Thank you Kate, you've helped so much. Thank you!

I know that I cause my biggest issues. I'm in constant conflict with myself, and I feel like I'm more than one person, that is the real me at odds with the me I have to be. Deep down I know I have to accept me, stop fighting. I'm my own worse enemy at times. 

I love research, it's one of my 2 loves.

I'm so sorry you're going through so much. And 1q months wait for therapy is crazy! I honestly don't want it, but I've been told I need to do it in order to find out if anxiety is causing the pins and needles in my face.

Those meds don't work for me either, they make me feel unwell and disconnected, they also seem to trigger me and I end up in harming behaviours. 

I really hope your self help is working for you. Navigating this life is certainly hard enough.

Thank you again.

Thank you I Sperg.

I still think of myself as NT, and that doesn't seem to be working for me. I suppose I'm still looking for external validation, but how much do I really need.

You really have been through it, and I'm so glad you made it through. I'm trying to work on it, though I suppose unless I can accept myself, that's not going to happen any time soon.

It's one big confusing mess. And it's not like I've been unlucky, I haven't. As my natural self I'm very childlike. I'm full of confusing conflicts, that I'm sure have obvious fixes to everyone else, I just can't see them myself.