Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Hi, sorry to hear this. I don't have any advice, sadly, but please don't feel bad for posting here. This is definitely a safe space to voice these kind of thoughts. Most of us have experienced them at one time or another.
I agree with Ann about eating/nutrition.
In terms of "failing," at work or at home, please be kind to yourself and remember you're autistic, and that makes these things much harder than for a neurotypical person. Please try to be kind to yourself, even if it's hard.
Thank you Luftmentsch. I've been in my current job for 5 years, 19 in a previous one, and I've never had to be so restrained behaviour wise. I'm waiting for an NHS assessment as nobody believes my private one, apparently I show empathy. So at work I'm awkward, weird and maybe a little too direct, and I'm not allowed to explain why. I had private done in the middle of a depressive episode and the report remarked that I had a monotone voice, which everyone knows I don't, so the diagnosis is not seen as credible. I understand the other reasons why I have to keep it secret. I'm having more and more responsibility taken from me at home, I forget to do important things and if I'm focused on drawing then that makes it harder. I've never understood who I am and now that I have a chance, it feels like I'm not permitted. This makes me feel like I'm even more wrong and broken than I had come to believe. I'm sorry I'm moaning and venting. I've lost what little sense of self I had, and I don't know what to do anymore. Again, I'm sorry for complaining, everyone here has their struggles.
The "autistics don't show empathy" thing annoys me, as many autistics I know are hyper-empathetic (I probably should include myself here). It's perspective-taking (working out what someone else would do) that we find hard, not empathy (sharing feelings).
I'm awkward and weird too! I suspect other people on this site would say they are too. Nothing to be ashamed of (but it can be hard to remember that sometimes). I don't believe you're "wrong and broken", but I feel like that sometimes (often) too.
Please don't apologise for complaining, you need to get it off your chest and this is a safe place to do it.
Kate Kestrel said:The cliche about autistic people not having empathy is absolute rubbish.
Hence the following abstract / summary and a link to the whole paper:
On the ontological status of autism: The 'double empathy problem'.
In recent decades there has been much debate over the ontological status of autism and other neurological ‘disorders’, diagnosed by behavioural indicators, and theorised primarily within the field of cognitive neuroscience and psychological paradigms. Such cognitive-behavioural discourses abstain from acknowledging the universal issue of relationality and interaction in the formation of a contested and constantly reconstructed social reality, produced through the agency of its ‘actors’ (Garfinkel, 1967). The nature of these contested interactions will be explored in this current issues piece through the use of the term the ‘double empathy problem’ (Milton 2011a), and how such a rendition produces a critique of autism being defined as a deficit in ‘theory of mind’, re-framing such issues as a question of reciprocity and mutuality.
https://kar.kent.ac.uk/62639/1/Double%20empathy%20problem.pdf
Which more simply means that autistic people are more empathically attuned to each other, just as non-autistic people are to other non-autistic people, with others of each group being able to relate just as much empathically with one group as any other group ~ whether that be human or also otherwise.
I so agree with this! The cliche about autistic people not having empathy is absolute rubbish.
That's heartwarming to know I'm not the only one on the same journey.