Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Hi Pikl :)
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I’ve felt like this too - many times. Things build up and you get to the point where you feel totally overwhelmed. Totally. I’m really sorry. You won’t always feel like this. It’s not forever. You’ve hit a crisis point but it’s not going to be like this forever - you really can feel better. I’m also on a long waiting list for therapy. When I first went on the waiting list I was feeling absolutely desperate - like I couldn’t go on. I was crying every day and feeling totally overwhelmed. When they told me the waiting list was at least 11 months I thought I was doomed because I didn’t think I could last that long. Like you I couldn’t take medication - for me it was because of a previous really bad reaction to an SSRI that so frightened me that I’d never dare take medication for my mental health ever again. So I was left with little choice with the long waiting list but to try to help myself. Thankfully I have the support of my husband and sons - so that was vital. Do you have anyone close to you who is there for you? But other than being incredibly fortunate to have a loving immediate family I wasn’t able to access any help from outside. So essentially I’ve tried everything I can over the last year to get through this crisis period. I’ve had anxiety for over 20 years but due to a severe physical illness I was tipped into a much more severe level of it. It felt unbearable to be honest. But several months on I feel I’ve really made a lot of progress (still no sign of an appointment with the NHS - so they’ve been no use at all). I take the view that the causes of complex psychological problems are complex so there’s no simple easy answer - I think you have to look at the problem from many angles. One of the things that helped me take huge steps forward was a book called ‘How to be your own therapist’ by Owen O’Kane. I found this book in the library just by chance. I really recommend this book because it’s very straightforward but also brilliantly helps you to unpick some of the reasons we respond to things in the way we do - by getting to look at your own ‘life story’ and life experiences, upbringing etc etc. It takes you through the process step by step, and I found that it helped me understand the roots of my anxiety - the reasons why I might find certain things particularly challenging and anxiety provoking. It then gives you lots of strategies etc. I can’t recommend it enough - it got me out of the mindset of feeling so desperate and hopeless. It helped me to see that I didn’t need to think this way - and to realise that a lot of my thinking was a result of my history, my life experiences, and the messages I received as a child from my parents. Once you understand WHY you think the way you do you can start to challenge the validity of the thoughts you’re having. For example “I can’t cope” or “I’m not good enough” are often based on subtle messaging from others, or a life experience that made us feel we were weak or useless. The think is to CHALLENGE unhelpful thoughts. A lot of our thoughts are not true. Eg we might have a lot of self hatred because our parents didn’t give us much affirmation, or because we were bullied at school. Our history forms how we think - but when we understand that we can question whether or not our thoughts are actually valid or true. Often they’re not - and we become prisoners of our negative thinking. There are also practical things that I think really do help: getting enough sleep, eating healthily, exercise everyday, get outside into nature, only drink alcohol in moderation, try to have contact with people (this is hard for us autistic people often of course), and cut down on news and negative social media. I think the human brain is a bit like a sponge and you don’t want it absorbing too much bad news or negative stuff. I always was really interested in news and politics but at the moment I just avoid it because I realised it was depressing me. I would also recommend meditation. And google ‘Vagal Nerve Breathing’ - I’ve found that helpful recently. I also discovered some great YouTube Videos called ‘Therapy in a Nutshell’ by Rachel McCadam. (I think I’ve spelled her name wrong). Essentially there is so much you can do - the NHS is letting you down by not giving you the help you need - and it’s doing the same to me and countless others. But trust me you can do a LOT yourself to find your way out of this. You do have to work at it and do your research, and it does take time and you will have to be patient. But I feel it’s really worth the effort and time - i you will learn so much, and feel so much stronger for having learned all these things. It’s actually good to see it as a ‘project’ - because I think part of the good thing of this is that it gives you a purpose. It’s so easy when we feel overwhelmed to just panic and freeze. So taking these first small steps is really helpful in itself - because it stops us focusing just on the horrible panicky feeling and gets us to actually DO something. Something for ourselves. sorry this is so long! I promise you there is a way out of this feeling. I know it feels horrible and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. But don’t give up hope because it really WILL get better. You won’t always feel this way. Take care x
Thank you Kate, you've helped so much. Thank you!
I know that I cause my biggest issues. I'm in constant conflict with myself, and I feel like I'm more than one person, that is the real me at odds with the me I have to be. Deep down I know I have to accept me, stop fighting. I'm my own worse enemy at times.
I love research, it's one of my 2 loves.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much. And 1q months wait for therapy is crazy! I honestly don't want it, but I've been told I need to do it in order to find out if anxiety is causing the pins and needles in my face.
Those meds don't work for me either, they make me feel unwell and disconnected, they also seem to trigger me and I end up in harming behaviours.
I really hope your self help is working for you. Navigating this life is certainly hard enough.
Thank you again.
I think anxiety causes lots of physical symptoms. Have you read about ‘hypersensitive interoception’? I think autistic people are highly sensitive to physical sensation and can find it very upsetting - and it can become a vicious circle. Both myself and my son can be extremely unsettled by any unusual physical sensation. Sadly the NHS is failing so many people right now - both for physical and mental health issues. Services for autistic people barely exist really. So we are left to try and help ourselves. It really shouldn’t be this way - but it is. So we have to do what we can. Best of luck x