Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Somethings that I used to see as failing, when I realised the implications of having Autism became more triumph like in their aspect.
Simply not doing myself in at one point was a major triumph. Although I am over that now, I chose life. To be exact I chose to beat my own out of control life into submission. I'm not fecking leaving until I have won on my own terms.
Now one can take a tip from some groups in society and define your own reality.
Up to a point, after that it becomes madness when you start denying the very basics of reality, and will eventually bite you, so don't go mad with it, but you can try and acquire different viewpoints. Different ways of looking at the same situation. Comedians exploit this for comedic effect, and a really nasty thing when looked at from a different angle becomes funny. It is a process I personally am applying to all the traumas in my past.
Really rubbish things have happened to me in my past and to a very diminished extent (I got something of a "grip") still do.
When I view just how "unlucky" I have been in some aspects, it stands out and can be viewed either with regret and an "I could have been a contender" mentality, (My dad died "wishing he'd travelled to the great wall of china", well he could have done that, and a whole lot more if he'd had the balls to do it, instead of sitting in front of the television so much..) or I can laugh at the absurdity as one might laugh at any other "unlucky soul" in a fictional story.
However when someone's dad in 1987 (ish) in reaction to my latest story about how a joy rider had smashed his stolen car into mine outside my house, and thus killed my new enterprise, remarked " Sperg You are the unluckiest person I know" it made me sit up and take notice. A quick mental review of my misfortunes to date suggested that he had observed a statistical anomaly, I was at that time, just dogged with bad luck, and I needed to fix that. I learned that there is a whole mechanism behind what we call "Luck" and that people spend their entire lives trying to figure out how it works. I tried all sorts of occult endeavors to change my luck, and I learned THIS: Changing your luck in one specific area by "Casting a spell" IS DOABLE!! BUT, it makes no difference in the overall scheme of things, a rebalancing seems to occur.
To get a real difference in my "luck" I discovered I needed to change my own outlook on life. And that was not so easy to do.
But at least I knew what I needed to do. I kept an eye out for "lucky eejits" in the people I knew and I tired to see how their outlooks differed from my own. Eventually I came to see the truth in a phrase I'd heard a few times, "You make your own luck"...
I could fill a few pages with what I did and learned in order to change my luck, but it seems to boil down to this: If you want to have a "better" life, with more "interest and less adversity" you need to pick a side and be either "nice" or "naughty" in life. And pursue that hard...
Well, I don't know if that is helpful, but I can say that your post, IMHO is actually of much better quality than your one's three years ago. Everyone needs some help, in some areas of their lives and here seems a very good place to ask. Life seems to be a system of checks and balances, if you need help take it gratefully, and use it well, then if you still feel "guilty" (many do not!) then pass it on when you get the chance.
That Bhuddist stuff about "Karma" is very practical on a spiritual level, which translates into improved "luck", when viewed from my perspective.
Thank you I Sperg.
I still think of myself as NT, and that doesn't seem to be working for me. I suppose I'm still looking for external validation, but how much do I really need.
You really have been through it, and I'm so glad you made it through. I'm trying to work on it, though I suppose unless I can accept myself, that's not going to happen any time soon.
It's one big confusing mess. And it's not like I've been unlucky, I haven't. As my natural self I'm very childlike. I'm full of confusing conflicts, that I'm sure have obvious fixes to everyone else, I just can't see them myself.
Oh yes, circular thinking is definitely a trap.
I treat myself as I'd treat any lost soul.
I try to support myself, and give myself the time to work stuff out.
I think of myself as human first and foremost, just like our King or a Ukrainian soldier facing russian artillery or the most gaudy drag queen or even you the reader. we are all human first.
To hate others is to effectively hate yourself.
To hate yourself makes it very difficult to like others, I also found.
It can all get a bit circular, watch out for that.