Exhausted with other people.

Hi April & All,

I'm so impressed with your post April and how you are approaching life. I know it can't be easy. 

I'm a newbie to the forum and a Mum to a 13 year old Son who is finding school in particular very difficult, but also the day to day stuff too. He doesn't understand why though. 

He's fortunate in that he's got a lovely little bunch of lads around him that have common interest in gaming. His friends are what keep him at school generally. 

My question is how do I help him become self aware when he doesn't want to talk or engage in such conversations. He is very much of the view that 'people are just getting at him' all of the time. He doesn't seem ready to understand how his behaviours are received by others. 

School haven't been great, it's a real battle. Then of course my Son doesn't want me to speak with school as in his eyes 'I make it worse'. 

If there is one thing that your parents could have done/ can do  to support you what would it be? 

Thank you.  

Roy said:

most autistic people aren’t pack animals, we don’t crave being in groups and trying to jump through the social hoops that’s expected in the neurotypical world.

^  This!  ^

Hi, I can relate to a lot of what your saying. I’m 55 and friendships are really hard work, I’ve got one friend and he knows I’m autistic. I think that’s  the key to our friendship, he knows how hard some situations are for me and always gives me space, if I don’t answer a message for a week, it’s not a problem. At the end of your message you say that you want to relearn how to be normal. It has to be your autistic normal, don’t try to be a neurotypical pretending to fit into their world and expectations. Only a real friend is worth the effort and they must accept you for who you are. I fully understand trust is hard, I find one friend and my wife is just about enough, most autistic people aren’t pack animals, we don’t crave being in groups and trying to jump through the social hoops that’s expected in the neurotypical world. If you want to relearn then learn to be who you really are, after years of masking it is hard as you often loose sight of the autistic child you once was and learnt to hide from. It’s your time now!

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I also struggle with socialisation outside of my small family group and a couple of close friends which I see very occasionally. I try to avoid socialising within groups, especially. It's not something new for me, something I've suffered with all of my life. I'm 54 now. I'm waiting for an official assessment & I'm on the waiting list. I also struggle with trust issues, trying to differentiate between humour & sarcasm, sometimes. Taking people too literally at times. Really struggle with people when they say they'll do something, then don't. 

So socialising outside of my comfort zone is something I find difficult to do or want to do. Work was equally as difficult for me over the years. I'm now a lone worker 95% of the time, this works especially well for me. Well I say lone worker, I support adults with learning difficulties, but I feel no threat from them & feel more at home working within that environment. I had a career change around 20 years ago, due to being made redundant, struggling with social interaction especially within groups & other health issues. I now can't see myself doing any other type of job until I retire. It also helps me focus on something else, rather than my own issues, which helps, too. 

I now work part time, having worked full time most of my adult life. So I'm now going to try and force myself to take up a hobby, maybe fishing next summer. Just to give myself another focus, as I did some fishing when I was a child, enjoyed it. Just found it relaxing & calming.

I'm at my most comfortable away from stress, within my little family bubble or at work, extended family, really, well I've worked within the same service for around 10 years now. Then I tend to focus my positive energy towards them. 

Seriously, if you've got parents let 'em see your post, and my reaction to it.

I think it'll make them very happy...

And right now the "adults" sure need some happiness. 

I have tried several social "masks" over my lifetime.

I've got several that work really well in specific social circumstances. In my case, my real self is offensive and harmful to a significant portion of society, for reasons entirely beyond my control, (It's their problem!) and it is in most occasions for me and them, a kindness or loving act to wear it.

Welcome!

Awh thx I Sperg v sweet of u to say. I think it's where I observe people so intently and I'm able to take in the best of them like reading what you guys have written.

Love this forum ur all amazing.

NAS82738 said:

At 41, it's just hard to try to relearn how to socialize and be "normal."  I just don't have the energy.

Welcome 

It may be stating the obvious but you don't need to do this at all. Now that you've figured out you're autistic why try to be "normal"? That is masking and not good for you, which is why you find it exhausting. If you keep trying to do this it may well lead to autistic burnout.

However not masking is easier said than done. It is likely you will have been masking to some extent since childhood. It will be a difficult and gradual process for you to try and shed the mask and figure out the real self underneath.

Being social isn't compulsory. If you don't enjoy then why do it.

Weaselbeast. For nearly twenty years I was feeling exactly those feelings.

Take your own advice, keep on going and never stop.

When it gets too much by all means take a strategic pause, and even strike out afterwards in a new direction, but never surrender, never give up. I knew a guy who "never did anything". When he was throwing away his drawings, really mad pointless stuff, I rescued it from the bin. What he saw no value in will one day make me some money.

IF I ever get MY act together of course with respect to discovering how Art is marketted and putting his "work " out there. It's value in is the thousands of hours he spent doing it..  

April S.

How did you get so much wisdom and grace at 16?

Please pass on my awe and respect to your parents, they either gave you good genetics or good training, that's for sure.

Outstanding stuff appearing on this forum this morning! 

Hi i am also new I am Kawthar i also recently figured out i am autistic despite never had a formal diagnosis i also have ADHD and depression and anxiety and also dyslexia . It's been hard for me to cope i never able to make friends who stay long enough with me . 

It is a tour de force post! I wish I'd written it. 

I'd just add that dealing with the people annoyances with love and good humour, and where you know you can weather the discomfort and it'll make someone happy to see you, still try and "do" socialising. 

I have an emerging  policy of "Love them or Ignore them" now that is really making me a lot happier, post diagnosis. 

Hang in there ok I no it sucks rn but good things will come again. When my mum had cancer thought it would never get better again but it did. Keep smiling. Keep being epic.

Here if u need 2 talk.

Im someone that never did anything and my life is really goong to the dogs. You keep going and dont stop. Dont so whst i did and never start

Hi, welcome. I'm new here as well and newly diagnosed but I'm 16. I'm finding it a bit hard as well, there's so much to learn and figure out and it's kinda overwhelming and right now feels like never going to figure everything out. Kinda wanna scream. But take it slow and be kind to ur self, we both got this and I think with time we can adjust.

It's cool u got your family and friends. My family are a big support for me.

NAS90609 said:

My partner and I have made some changes to our social life to help with this. Things that I previously would have suffered through unnecessarily because I felt obliged or because it was expected or assumed - now we just agree that if I don't want or need to be involved then it's no problem if I'm not. This works for both of us.

This is really good to read.

I feel the same to some extent. I'm mid-40M and just found out that I'm likely Aspie having just had an initial diagnosis for one of my children. I have been feeling generally depressed (and anxious on and off) for about 6 years. I generally feel "meh" most of the time, but I've got a wonderful family and I run a company that employees people that also rely heavily on me.

I'm exhausted. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have the energy to be a good father and husband, never mind motivate my staff. I don't want to speak to clients, or deal with important sales enquiries. I'm worried the impact all this will have on my company and my own earning potential.

I've just read about Autistic Burnout and this really seems to apply to me, especially with the work side of things. Have you considered whether this applies to you?

Good morning.

Yes - everything that you have written applies to me - albeit that I'm a decade or so older than you and male.

How long has it been since you became self-aware that you are autistic?  I ask this because I have found that my mood and inclination to make necessary adjustments (things like - should I give-up on particularly tiring 'friends' for instance) has changed from week-to-week and month-to-month.

If you are anything like me, when I first realised, it was like a lightening strike of realisation - and I was on a massive high!  Soon after, my mood sharply dipped when I realised that nothing was going to magically change just because I was aware of myself for the first time......work is required!  The question is (and remains) what changes!!

Let me know - and welcome to this place.

Hi and welcome.

In a similar position myself - I'm 51yo, was diagnosed last year, have always been an introvert, have always preferred to keep my own company, I'm wary of people, I feel like they're wary of me and I generally find social interaction exhausting.

Since my diagnosis I put a lot less pressure on myself to be (neurotypically) 'normal'.

I'm in a long-term relationship with someone great - but maintaining that really does take up most of the energy I have for dealing with people.

My partner and I have made some changes to our social life to help with this. Things that I previously would have suffered through unnecessarily because I felt obliged or because it was expected or assumed - now we just agree that if I don't want or need to be involved then it's no problem if I'm not. This works for both of us.

I do think there are some 'edges' - I don't think it's healthy to lose basic social skills and we still have to operate in a neurotypical world day to day - but socialising at the cost of your own mental health for no other reason than because its what neurotypical society expects or assumes? That doesn't make sense to me.