Mourning the loss of a special interest and banning yourself from it

Ann :) said:

Thank you! I love your metaphor of it being sleeping rather than dead :). I think what I need more than anything is some more time to recover. 

Over 2 years ago; the OP said the above about their special interest (as being "sleeping" during their Burnout recovery).

During my Burnout (this round is probably of the longest duration so far); I have tried to think of my special interests as being: "dormant" or just (by necessity) "in hibernation".

In the meantime, I keep reminding myself: that those special interests of mine are all still there (albeit, on hold, paused or archived) - ready for me to resume when I have recouped sufficient energy / motivation etc. to emerge from Burnout.

During this Burnout journey, within the random more energetic week / day  / hour (which feature occasionally), I have sometimes experimented with exploring some interests and pursuits completely new to me.  Maybe less demanding topics, experiences or skills - things which I would have been unlikely to have encountered (had I not been in Burnout mode?). 

Some of those experiments have just turned out to be a one off (jettisoned).  Others, I surprised myself by having enjoyed and subsequently decided to incorporate into life moving forwards (retained).

Hoping the OP also found their Burnout journey brought with it some unanticipated exposure to new interests (to help pave the route towards resuming their own sleeping special interests after Burnout).

The OP is really sad. Did they ever update on it? (Can't read down easily on my phone - dog arrival imminent!)

I hit a big burnout and my interest in my interests has gone. Hopefully not for good, but been a few years now.

I seem to be in the same boat...

I've banned myself from many special iinterests I used to have. Now I no longer have the ability to enjoy anything as a result of my severe depression. 

this was an interesting thread it would be shame if it just vanished in the update. so postig to keep it live.

Hi Ann, your situation reminds me of what’s happening with my son. He had time away from college due to his struggles with his mental health - and every time it came to talking about him returning he felt panicky and felt he couldn’t cope with it. We kept planning returns and he kept pulling back from them as the date got nearer, Eventually he went in but he struggled with dealing with his Selective Mutism again (he only has it in educational settings) and came out of college again. He’s now decided to retake the year and is not going back until the start of the next academic year in September. To be honest he’s relieved to have the pressure of returning taken off him. He needs a longer break than he originally thought. 

Everyone is different - for him he felt he needed several months to get better. I’m imagine that deep down you have a strong instinct about what you really need at the moment. Whatever decision you make I hope it works out for you. It’s finding that balance isn’t it? How much to push ourselves without putting ourselves under too much pressure. These are difficult judgements to make. I hope your GP and your workplace are understanding and that you can work something out. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. 

Great advise. I’ve been hyper focused on a particular subject for nearly two years and listening to news and podcasts about this fixation religiously everyday. This has led to burnout and I have used lent (a period of religious reflection and giving up things you really indulge in) to stop doing it. It’s done me the world of good and for the past six weeks l have felt much calmer. After lent is over l have decided to just indulge in this interest once a week only. I hope l can stick to my guns on this.

Thank you! I love your metaphor of it being sleeping rather than dead :). I think what I need more than anything is some more time to recover. 

I am scared of loosing my job and option of a doing a PhD here though if I do not return to work soon. I might end up moving on to a new lab anyways but for financial and practical reasons, it would be better if I did not loose my job. My sick leave ends tomorrow. I don't feel ready. I thought maybe I could get it together, however even the idea of going back now has set me back and has resulted in a lot of panic and stress (I had managed to mostly shut thoughts of work from my head but it all caught up with me as I cannot hide from it forever and do need to make some decisions). I will talk to my GP tomorrow to see if I can have another week off maybe so that I can at least make a better plan and also talk to the people at work to gather some more information. Sorry I think my thoughts about this just jumped onto this page. 

Your words really make me feel better. I am so happy that I found this community. 

Surely the inheritance should cover the probate?

Facing a 7 grand legal Bill for probate, not much money too scared right now to use electricity

Why not?

I’ve just noticed that there’s an emoji in my last post - I don’t know how that happened! Weird! Just ignore it! 

You don’t have to ‘mourn’ your love of science - it’s not dead, it’s only sleeping :) 

Possibly you need to schedule that longer time off that you feel you need - and not pressure yourself to return to your work for another few weeks? Not a ban - more of a ‘well being’ holiday. I think you should take the pressure off yourself for a few more weeks and get some proper rest. I don’t think it’s possible that you could lose your interest in science permanently - it’s just your fear of that happening that is making it such a prominent fear in your mind. That love of science is a part of who you are - it’s not going to disappear like that. Don’t fear losing it - it’s the fear that’s so destructive to you right now. All your interest in science will be waiting for you - just patiently waiting - until you are ready to return to it. If you pressure yourself and try to rush things you’ll set your recovery back. Give yourself plenty of time to get well again (if you can). 
An autism diagnosis is useful in some ways - but ultimately it also doesn’t change much in many ways. You’re obviously highly intelligent and frankly you could easily diagnose yourself. It’s not usuly that difficult to diagnose - it’s a set of criteria that are easy to to apply to someone with those traits. You could essentially diagnose yourself tomorrow if you want. 
It won’t change who you are or solve any of your problems. You’ll still be the same person with the same problems whether you have a diagnosis or not. You’re you - wonderful you - with or without a diagnosis. 

I’ve just noticed how late it is! I need to get off this iPad and go to bed! 
 

Have a good night and try to be at peace with the fact that you are just taking a rest from your love of science - because you’re tired and you need a break from it. But it’s only temporary. 

I'm never allowed my special interests, 

Ann. On a personal level, your problem with "science" MAY be the people you are stuck doing it with.

When I was a kid reading about scientific discoveries, it always struck me how the people who made the big discoveries were following their geas, joyfully. 

That's what what i understand happens in formal "science" nowadays...

Now, I have to admit I am what the PHD types call a Kook. As a kid I was interested in EVERYTHING. I soon found out that I was not interested in the right way. Or for that matter, in "the right things".

The only scientific award I've ever received came from a popular T.V. show, and it's inscribed; "I can do science me"...

Well, as it happens... I'm safety officer in an amateur kook science project where we transmute one element into another! Turns out I can do science.. But it would be nice to get a definitive analysis of the gas in the tube. According to the national physics laboratory it's impossible to get an analysis, and they won't do it unless they know what is in the tube...

If they were closing ranks against you at work, you might have been doing a bit too much science and a bit too little politics would be my guess.

The thing I've found is that they can't stop you doing science in your head. If I and my guys ever do get freed from the shackles of poverty then you'll see some SCIENCE being done. Until then you have to put up with halls for of expensive gear and even more expensive people in very white coats (have you ever tried keeping one clean whilst assembling your own apparatus?) or worse, suits, NOT transmuting one element into another as easily and with little bother as we amateurs can...  I'd hate to be a real scientist having to submit a request for information or equipment before you can try a line of thinking out. 

I might be completely off point here, or I may just know something about what has happened to science and scientists over the last few decades. TWO of my friends got PHD's and neither of them seem to have any interest in "the fun of learning" any more". 

So setting aside the fact I couldn't focus enough to get a bloody degree let alone a PHD, I still worry that formal education & qualification might well be a fiendish trap for fine minds.

Thank you for the link! I hadn't seen that one yet. I found it interesting how she said that she is "not disabled but her environment is disabling her". I like this idea of trying to optimise the environment to maximise well-being and chances of success.

That is so sad. I don't know what to say. I hope there will come a time when you can engage with music again. 

I hear your pain and can totally relate. Mines music. I haven’t engaged in over 10 years now in what I NOW understand as the fear of being swallowed up by my obsession with my thing. It disrupts life as I’m *expected* to live and so it needed to be pushed down. This is awful and sad.. to see it for what it is. I get so upset by this that sometimes I can’t even listen to music and those are hard times but it is to avoid feeling triggered. The show American Idol for instance. I can’t watch it. So much talent so much promise in these contestants and I can’t … ugh . I don’t know I remember attempting to explain once I said “I don’t know if it’s envy or what but it makes me sad to watch this.” It is in fact that you’re explaining here. Inability to engage and the guilt /sadness attached to feeling like we aught not or can’t engage in this thing we LOVE. Unfortunately I don’t have any solution for this. I struggle a lot with balance that abstinence is my answer at the moment and that’s just a heartbreaking thing. So I’m not necessarily suggesting that, only you know what it best for you. Keep in mind science isn’t going anywhere though if you’re being pulled to a season of self care for yourself and need to take a break there’s nothing wrong with that you know? Despite the pressures of college.. the best you can do is the best you can do. 

I found this interesting if you haven’t stumbled across this yourself yet check it out 

https://youtu.be/A1AUdaH-EPM

Ann :) said:

No cells that randomly die... though I guess there are other issues that come up. I do like the wet lab though, especially imaging- Imaging has a very relaxing effect on me and can be lots of fun. 

Plenty of issues. Our wetlab colleagues just can't provide us with enough data. I keep thinking to myself we need some sort of high throughput methodology with some sort of semi automated experimental set up. We typically want lots of western blots / tandem mass spec on lots of cell cultures. 

As for UK PhDs. talk to the reserch team would be my advice. Also look at this page www.findaphd.com/.../international-phd-funding-uk.aspx

Thanks, that's good advice. I am planning to look into other PhD opportunities and in that case I think I would quite like to return to the UK (and it's a good idea to maybe apply in cities/areas where I know people- though I only have very few friends so it might not be feasible). 

In Germany, it is usual to be an employee during the PhD- but there are a lot of insecurities and issues with the current lab and also no secure funding yet for the full PhD time (plus they didn't want to enrol me at university yet etc so I had no protection- I actually think the UK system gives you more security). I will be more careful this time and not start anything until the funding situation is sorted for sure for the full 3-4 years It hadn't really been the plan to enter such an insecure situation this time... but my original plan had changed and at the time I was simply happy to be in a lab and be able to do some research... 

Before I can start anything else though I need some time to recover. I don't want to repeat the burn-out cycle. 

Thanks again for the advice. It is so helpful to be able to talk about it. 

Running virtual experiments sounds cool- No cells that randomly die... though I guess there are other issues that come up. I do like the wet lab though, especially imaging- Imaging has a very relaxing effect on me and can be lots of fun.