Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly.
I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this?
I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it.
At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.
sounds like it's more a horrible work environment and a lack of work life balance than an issue with science tbh. Is your research lab in a uni? Could you get funding for a PhD somewhere else? Maybe a move to do a PhD in something you really enjoy somewhere else might be good?
More generally work life balence is key. My best advice has always been build a social lif hard as that is. Join clubs. If you can't join clubs and don't have friends force yourself to do self care. Go out to the cinema, eat in a nice restaurant, do things that get you out of the house, the kind of things you might do with others, on your own if you don't have friends to do them with you.
Naming no names can you tell me what kind of lab you work in? (I'm a post doc mathematical biologist at a university btw)
Ps: also bear in mind the longer you take to ask for a diagnosis the longer it will take to get one. Sure you might be on a waiting list for a year plus but if you wait a year because of that you'll get your diagnosis after 2 years plus.
Hi Peter,
I am currently in Germany in a lab researching glioblastoma (primary brain tumours). I am a developmental neurobiologist. So cool that you are a mathematical biologist! I always loved maths and had even hoped to do both biology and math at university but I ended up as a pure biologist instead (I didn't do very well in my first year uni maths course). Are you enjoying your work?
I am actually considering moving to a different lab, especially as I think I may have been exploited where I was and I think it is quite a high pressure environment (plus some issues with project etc). Part of me just wants to 'run away' and have a fresh start. However I am also unsure as I really loved the research here and my co-workers are extremely kind. Right now I am in the difficult situation where I am meant to return to work soon but feel unable to do so (or at least it would probably not end well... ). If I can arrange it financially I might see if I can take a few months off to recuperate (and possibly do some tutoring or other work). In that case I will see if I can keep the option open of returning here... but I am tending towards finding another lab where maybe it will be easier for me to keep a good work-life balance. I am also planning to talk to the PI and postdoc I work with here to see if they are supportive and offer to try and make things work in the future. I think at them moment the whole indecision and uncertainty is making everything worse...
Thanks for your tips on work-life balance! That is definitely something I have not figured out yet at all... It's made worse by the fact that I have been unable to pursue my hiking hobby (or other outdoor activities) due to injury for a while now... and I haven't found another activity. Though, I think I would have struggled regardless- I never had proper work life balance... I also don't have any friends here ... (all my uni friends are in other countries. Finding the right people is hard anyways for me but it was impossible to make any new friends as all I did was work...)
Regarding the diagnosis I have already asked for it (the mental health team thought it was likely I was autistic) but the wait in my area to be formally assessed is 12-16 months... I am now also on a second waiting list in a neighbouring town where it is a bit faster (6-9 months). I think it would help a lot to know.
Thanks for pointing out that the problem is not the science :) that is very true and I hadn't seen it that way.
Well if you want to do a PhD anyway, and it certainly sounds like you have more than enough experience for it, what you could do is look at other PIs and even other universities and see if you can arrange a PhD at one. That way if you go back to work and things can't be fixed you can quit and just say, 'well its the PhD you see, I really wanted to do one over in this or that lab.' That's your escape route if you can't straighten things out with your boss. Its very different being a PhD compared to an employee. You're a student but, assuming you get research funding for your PhD, you're being paid to study and research. To some extent it's the universities job to look after you. And while it's not essential if you want to be in research long term having a PhD really helps.
I don't really know the ins and outs of german employment law or PhD funding so I can't give you much advice there.
Btw mathematical biology is very cool. I get to program supercomputers to run virtual experiments for me basically every day :).
Regarding making friends. It's hard I know. The average post doc is 3 years long which for an autistic person means just as you've started to build up a support network you're looking at relocating. If you have 2 or 3 good friends in a university city ... well that would be reason enough to look at that universities PhD programs. It's so much easier to make friends through friends.
Ann :) said:No cells that randomly die... though I guess there are other issues that come up. I do like the wet lab though, especially imaging- Imaging has a very relaxing effect on me and can be lots of fun.
Plenty of issues. Our wetlab colleagues just can't provide us with enough data. I keep thinking to myself we need some sort of high throughput methodology with some sort of semi automated experimental set up. We typically want lots of western blots / tandem mass spec on lots of cell cultures.
As for UK PhDs. talk to the reserch team would be my advice. Also look at this page www.findaphd.com/.../international-phd-funding-uk.aspx
Thanks, that's good advice. I am planning to look into other PhD opportunities and in that case I think I would quite like to return to the UK (and it's a good idea to maybe apply in cities/areas where I know people- though I only have very few friends so it might not be feasible).
In Germany, it is usual to be an employee during the PhD- but there are a lot of insecurities and issues with the current lab and also no secure funding yet for the full PhD time (plus they didn't want to enrol me at university yet etc so I had no protection- I actually think the UK system gives you more security). I will be more careful this time and not start anything until the funding situation is sorted for sure for the full 3-4 years It hadn't really been the plan to enter such an insecure situation this time... but my original plan had changed and at the time I was simply happy to be in a lab and be able to do some research...
Before I can start anything else though I need some time to recover. I don't want to repeat the burn-out cycle.
Thanks again for the advice. It is so helpful to be able to talk about it.
Running virtual experiments sounds cool- No cells that randomly die... though I guess there are other issues that come up. I do like the wet lab though, especially imaging- Imaging has a very relaxing effect on me and can be lots of fun.